This post alone is reason to make sure my kids’ schools never find out I have a blog

Why no one should ever…I repeat…EVER…offer me a PTA position.

Cause I just might take them up on it. And then?


Or at least the school version of it.

Dear 2009-2010 parents,

I sure appreciate your misguided voting to elect me as your new PTA president. We are instituting a few possibly-not-totally-approved-by-administration  changes to the way this year’s PTA is going to be run.

1.  There will be no more fundraisers involving magazines, wrapping paper, candles or candy. The only fundraisers that will take place under my reign will involve practical, common sense things that everyone’s going to buy anyways and will involve the least amount of inconvenience: toilet paper, deodorant and tooth paste.  Bonus is? If someone is NOT using these things in a sufficient manner, {and from the number of you that are missing what should have been permanent teeth, this could take a good deal of our stock} you can buy in bulk.

2.  Administration wants better parent turnout at the meetings?  Two words: OPEN BAR.  I cannot promise we’re going to get anything accomplished, but the possibility for blackmail photos being taken are worth at least one or two bake sales.

3.  Any and ALL disagreements will not be voted  upon in a civilized manner. They will be taken care of in the only way two adults SHOULD handle a conflict of minds: in the parking lot, bare knuckle brawls. DONE.

4.  Failure to respond to PTA emails or newsletters will be taken as an assumed commitment.  Should that commitment not be fulfilled, we will take that to mean you are forfeiting your vehicle’s tires and they will be taken in lieu of your participation.  All four of them. On all of your vehicles. Wherever we find you.  And make no mistake, we WILL find you.

5.  Those parents that take it upon themselves to be snobby, elitist, or social-mongers will be SHOT.ON.SIGHT.

Well, I think that just about wraps it up.  Looking forward to a great new year.



I had a bit of an incident this week.  I wrote about it over at Aiming Low, but I do use some of my grown-up language, so don’t read it if that offends you.  I’m talking about you, Dad. Really. I mean it!

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15 Responses to This post alone is reason to make sure my kids’ schools never find out I have a blog

  1. Robin O'Bryant April 25, 2011 at 9:14 AM #

    Um HAIL yes. I would totally vote for you.

  2. mom2cassnnat September 8, 2009 at 7:27 PM #

    This is PERFECT!! I am bringing this to our meeting next week! I'm in charge of the newsletter each week and I am tempted to just print this in place of the news that no one reads anyway! Thanks for making my day!

  3. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:09 PM #

    ROFL!!! You need to find a fantastic reason to get thrown off the committee. Spread a rumor about yourself.

  4. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:09 PM #

    um. Georgia. where the whole SHOT.ON.SITE. is on practically everything here.

  5. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:08 PM #

    I'm having a vision of "Administrative Kegger Fees"….you call it a cover charge….whatever.

  6. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:07 PM #

    LOL!! Maybe, if you're really lucky, they'll ask you to leave!!!!!

  7. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:07 PM #

    Hey, as long as you sell your designated quota of toilet paper, we aren't checking attendance

  8. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:06 PM #

    um. Like EVERY day in my house?

  9. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:06 PM #

    YES. it totally does.

  10. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:06 PM #

    Absolutely! i'm thinking about selling myself out as a PTA consultant. HEH!

  11. AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:05 PM #

    I know! I don't think I've ever threatened to shoot so many things as I have since we moved. It must be in the water

  12. CM's Granddaughter August 20, 2009 at 2:47 PM #

    Am going to copy this letter and substitute "PTA" with "HOA" and make all other appropriate corrections. Have I mentioned lately that I love you? A lot?

    • AnissaMayhew August 20, 2009 at 3:10 PM #

      I think the basic core message here is appropriate in a lot of settings. PLUS, your people have to live in your neighborhood..all you have to do is walk around with your rifle ONCE and they'll know you mean business.


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