There’s been the occasional question of what “Free Anissa” is supposed to mean. As I can tend to blather on until someone no longer cares, I try to keep it fairly brief in explanation…Twitter blockage, end of cancer, a new focus, blah blah blah.
But, I clearly had great expectations for this new blog…it was going to be this great declaration of me leaving our cancer life behind. I knew it would still always be a part of us, but I wouldn’t blog about it so much, I would try to stay focused on the positives in our lives and not be so fearful. I hoped that this change of place would help me move in that direction.
I wanted to be free of it.
This change would be a physical manifestation of my inner determination to move beyond the past three years.
I vastly overestimated what surface changes can do.
We live in a new house…in a new city…in a new state.
I have a new blog…and another one.
We have new schools, new goals, new plans.
We are nearing the one year mark of Peyton being out of chemo treatment.
I still want to feel free of it.
I keep thinking that THIS is the moment or THAT is the milestone or MAYBE now….but it doesn’t go away.
Perhaps it’s getting lesser…I can go days without even thinking about it.
But it takes no more than a glimpse of a bruise or having my baby girl show fatigue (as opposed to mere sleepiness) to fall straight into the old habits of over-analyzing each tiny thing, creating something out of nothing. Telling myself that every single thing doesn’t have to be a symptom of anything…with the knowledge that it always could be.
I think maybe I’m not so good with this FREEing myself thing as I could be.
But I’m working on it.
This is helping though.