Free: Adjective or Verb?

There’s been the occasional question of what “Free Anissa” is supposed to mean.  As I can tend to blather on until someone no longer cares, I try to keep it fairly brief in explanation…Twitter blockage, end of cancer, a new focus, blah blah blah.

But, I clearly had great expectations for this new blog…it was going to be this great declaration of me leaving our cancer life behind. I knew it would still always be a part of us, but I wouldn’t blog about it so much, I would try to stay focused on the positives in our lives and not be so fearful.  I hoped that this change of place would help me move in that direction.

I wanted to be free of it.

This change would be a physical manifestation of my inner determination to move beyond the past three years.

I vastly overestimated what surface changes can do.

We live in a new house…in a new city…in a new state.

I have a new blog…and another one.

We have new schools, new goals, new plans.

We are nearing the one year mark of Peyton being out of chemo treatment.

I still want to feel free of it.

I keep thinking that THIS is the moment or THAT is the milestone or MAYBE now….but it doesn’t go away.

Perhaps it’s getting lesser…I can go days without even thinking about it.

But it takes no more than a glimpse of a bruise or having my baby girl show fatigue (as opposed to mere sleepiness) to fall straight into the old habits of over-analyzing each tiny thing, creating something out of nothing.  Telling myself that every single thing doesn’t have to be a symptom of anything…with the knowledge that it always could be.

I think maybe I’m not so good with this FREEing myself thing as I could be.

But I’m working on it.

This is helping though.





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5 Responses to Free: Adjective or Verb?

  1. moosh in indy. October 16, 2009 at 5:01 PM #

    The best way I ever heard parenthood described was that having a child is like having a part of your heart walking around on the outside of your body. My mom has never stopped worrying and Amy is right, I'm not sure it will ever go away.
    But yes, beautiful.
    All over the place.

  2. cindy w October 14, 2009 at 3:47 PM #

    Sigh. No advice, but man alive, your kids are gorgeous.

  3. pgoodness October 13, 2009 at 4:34 PM #

    You may never be 100% free of it, but at least you can go longer times between thinking of it, and that definitely stands for something.

  4. Angie October 13, 2009 at 2:46 PM #

    THis spoke directly to me! Although my daughter has had different trials than Peyton I suffer from the same panic button that goes off when a possible symptom occurs. Last Halloween doctors told us that our 3 month old needed a heart transplant and could die any minute. In the end they ended up fixing her heart with open heart surgery. She is a happy "healthy" one year old but I can't help but panic if her lips look a little blue–even if we are outside in the cold and the other kids also have blue lips. We go to check ups and so far the diagnosis is very good but I just keep waiting for that one day when they say transplant again. I hope you never hear "cancer" again at one of Peytons appointments. Thank you for writing about your fears and feelings. I can often to relate to your posts and it comforts me that Im not the only one.

  5. Karen October 13, 2009 at 2:24 PM #

    While not as dangerous as a my child's physial health…I too look at my son sideways at least 3-5 times a week to make sure his brain is working on track. His developmental diagnosis from last year is wrong and we are hoping his quick improvements mean great things but there are those moments when your mommy gut jumps up and shouts, "Whoa…what was that? What is going on here!??" I know where you are coming from and no matter how many times you tell yourself to chill out and enjoy life…there is that Momma Bear fighter…almost a post traumatic disease you'll carry forever from the battlefield of mom. I hope it fades and I hope Peyton's health only continues to improve and show NO signs of going back there. Big hugs, sister!

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