some things suck. some things suck beyond all human understanding and belief. this is one of those things.

I want it to be not fair.  I want people to feel bad for this body.

I want for everyone to understand how much it sucks to have a functioning system, then to wake up with half not working.

It sucks.

It really does.

But at least I have half.

One arm is the price for my kid’s smile.

One leg is the cost of my husband’s hug.

My crooked smile pays for time in my family’s presence.

It’s worth it.

No doubt about it.

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64 Responses to some things suck. some things suck beyond all human understanding and belief. this is one of those things.

  1. casey April 9, 2010 at 10:32 PM #

    you have a great attitude and frankly, that is half the battle in a war such as this to reclaim your life. keep up the good work and positive thinking. it sounds cheesy but a great attitude really does make a world of difference. of course, you are entitled to the other range of emotions, but being positive when you can will go a long way. you have a lot to be proud of within yourself. :)

  2. Jan Holt April 9, 2010 at 4:43 AM #

    Hey, vacuums suck and yet we really need them in this messy world. We need you too! I don't know you but I know that you are funny, inspirational, and one helluva fighter. Keep your gratitude meter turned up as high as you can and know that all over this world ordinary people like me are cheering for the one and only totally miraculous Anissa.

  3. im mom April 9, 2010 at 4:42 AM #

    beautiful anissa, i do not know you, but love your honesty. it does suck. and all these people are telling you to be thankful….uggghhh it sucks. be angry and kick ass. love from los angeles xoxo

  4. A Vapid Blonde April 8, 2010 at 8:41 PM #

    It sucks, but having you in the world makes it a less sucky place.

  5. Joansie33 April 8, 2010 at 8:06 PM #

    Anissa – I'm new to this site and not used to commenting, etc. I was following Peter's updates and was so happy to read today that you were updating this site. I think it's fantastic!! You don't know me but I feel like I've gotten to know you over the last few months. (It was actually through Heather Duckworth). Just know that you have someone in Canada caring about you and your family. You are a fighter (which is obvious) and I know you'll continue to improve each and everyday – although maybe not as fast as you'd like. Take care……

  6. subWOW April 8, 2010 at 8:05 PM #

    It sucks. yes. But. You. Are. Amazing.

  7. Kim April 8, 2010 at 3:20 PM #

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, to you and your husband for making your story public. I am a neuro ICU RN and see patients with strokes daily. I came to your blog via the Spohr's blog as a complete stranger with a clinical interest in your story. When I read about your stroke, the area it was in, how significant the bleed was I must admit I did not see much hope based on my experience. Your recovery is nothing short of amazing! You and your family opened my eyes again to the fact that there is hope and it is worth it to fight. Because of you I go to work each night with renewed passion for my job and the families I am lucky enough to care for during the hardest times of their lives. Thank you for sharing this part of your family with all of us.

  8. lizhenry April 8, 2010 at 7:09 PM #

    Hey Anissa! I thought you might like a couple of my posts about parenting and disability. Especially when I have trouble keeping up, or am in pain, I wonder about what kind of parent I am or am becoming, what experience my kids are having… what it all means.
    http://badgermama.blogspot.com/2007/12/pain-disab

    and another post where I talk about rehab swimming and bringing my kid along. And kind of about the difficulty of not being able to do everything I used to do, being "near" people having fun but not having the energy to have the fun myself, etc.

    Anyway, I don't usually go around saying "Hey read my posts!" but wanted to offer a bit of solidarity since I have been through similar experiences (and am still in them) My independence level has increased (slowly, but a lot!) over the last 3 years. Hang in there hon!

  9. Kim April 8, 2010 at 3:20 PM #

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, to you and your husband for making your story public. I am a neuro ICU RN and see patients with strokes daily. I came to your blog via the Spohr's blog as a complete stranger with a clinical interest in your story. When I read about your stroke, the area it was in, how significant the bleed was I must admit I did not see much hope based on my experience. Your recovery is nothing short of amazing! You and your family opened my eyes again to the fact that there is hope and it is worth it to fight. Because of you I go to work each night with renewed passion for my job and the families I am lucky enough to care for during the hardest times of their lives. Thank you for sharing this part of your family with all of us.

  10. defendUSA April 8, 2010 at 12:15 PM #

    All of my life, I had a Gram who was paralyzed on her left side from a second stroke that she had at age 41. I never asked her if she was mad, or angry or anything about "having half" of her. She was a practical woman, who just took all the shit life dealt her and made it work. She never whined or complained, just figured it out. We baked, planted, shopped, sang, cleaned.
    And when she did get to the point where she could not overcome, I could do it with her. I loved her like crazy and I miss her. You must be her, re-incarnate!! I do know that because of her, I wanted to be a nurse or something. They sent you home to sit in chairs back then, and waste away. But she was a farmer, of the Quaker kind. No sitting for her.
    And, I know better than to quit when life gets me down. Like You. and your family. Sometimes you just have to say WTF and drive on. You do "RAWK!!"

  11. Kristenkj April 8, 2010 at 9:27 AM #

    Life isn't fair, and it seems you've been dealt a real raw deal. But look at how grateful you are to be here.

    Beautiful.

  12. The Stiletto Mom April 8, 2010 at 2:01 AM #

    It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks. Here's to you regaining your strength….keep going Anissa. The world is a better place for your one sided keystrokes….most people aren't as funny or inspirational with both sides working. You go girl, keep fighting….so many of us out here love you!!!

  13. Amy@UWM April 8, 2010 at 1:29 AM #

    And some things suck so much that you could get a book deal and a full-blown on-set Oprah episode (instead of just a Skype interview) out of it. Between this and Peyton's cancer, I mean holy crap!

    Don't give up! You'll get there! We'll take any Anissa we can get!

  14. rene' April 7, 2010 at 6:59 PM #

    i really despise strokes. i've worked in nursing homes as an aide for years. it threatens to rob people of their dignity. i think dignity is vitally important. i had never heard of you before i heard the amazing madeline's mom telling about your stroke. i am so glad that you have a blog so that you can spread your strength and love all over cyberspace. you inspire me. i admire your strength. you will not just survive this……………you will thrive!!

  15. coloradogirl April 7, 2010 at 1:30 PM #

    Yeah, it really sucks but I'm so glad to see you back to writing. You keep up the fight Anissa….you are awesome and I believe that you WILL get better!

  16. Mary@Holy Mackerel April 7, 2010 at 1:23 PM #

    I can't even imagine. I have a body that is not all that wonderful, but at least I have most of it. I shouldn't complain.

    Take care. And big hugs to you.

  17. Maria Melee April 7, 2010 at 12:43 PM #

    Anissa, you have a whole fan club over here. Even my therapist asks about you.

    I love you.

  18. IzzyMom April 7, 2010 at 12:04 PM #

    You've endured way more than your share of suck and yes, my goofy glass-half-full mentality is annoying sometimes but having you here, alive, and totally as YOU, is a huge blessing and I KNOW this is just the beginning of things getting better, including those uncooperative body parts.

  19. The Alimartell April 7, 2010 at 2:09 AM #

    Bollocks. It's so unfair. But I friggin' love that crooked smile. And I happen to know how much those kids like it too ;)

  20. pgoodness April 7, 2010 at 1:42 AM #

    It does suck, seriously. I can only pretend to imagine, but I know that you are amazing and honest and one of the strongest people I've never met.

  21. mommabird2345 April 7, 2010 at 3:43 AM #

    When my Grandma had her stroke, her right side was paralyzed also. Sometimes she says she is "Half a Grandma", we tell her we love her and we are so happy she is with us. I know your family (& your internet family) feel the same way. You have made amazing progress. Enjoy all those hugs & smiles, you deserve it. :)

  22. amanda April 7, 2010 at 3:30 AM #

    It isn't fair, but you aren't average. You f*cking rock, a bit of frustration is merited. Totally.

  23. Scatteredmom April 7, 2010 at 2:46 AM #

    It DOES suck. But we're all glad you're here because obviously the rest of you is fully intact. :)

    Whatever you need-anything, anytime (I MEAN THAT), give me a shout, k?

  24. Kelley April 7, 2010 at 2:19 AM #

    sucks that there is a price.

  25. The Alimartell April 7, 2010 at 2:09 AM #

    Bollocks. It's so unfair. But I friggin' love that crooked smile. And I happen to know how much those kids like it too ;)

  26. Zoeyjane April 7, 2010 at 2:07 AM #

    It can suck and be great at the same time. I'll feel sorry for you, and celebrate how far, fast and miraculously you've come at the same time. I'm happy you're around to hit publish, lady.

  27. Alayna Brooks April 7, 2010 at 1:52 AM #

    I'm so glad you're back and getting better every day. We've been praying for your whole family around here, and we'll keep at it. Hang in there!

    Alayna Brooks

  28. Shauna April 7, 2010 at 1:46 AM #

    I would take half of you…a quarter of you… an 8th of you… (you get the point. I'm terrible at math) over NONE of you.

    Love you like mad.

  29. Jen April 7, 2010 at 1:44 AM #

    It does suck, it's totally not fair, but I would rather have this much of you than none at all. love you mama.

  30. alotofnothing April 7, 2010 at 1:38 AM #

    It completely and utterly and beyond belief sucks.

    But you have YOU in there. YOU are still there.

    YOU are still here.

    And I love YOU.

  31. Sarah Feakes April 7, 2010 at 12:19 AM #

    Anissa,
    I'm so happy to find you again. I've been looking everyday at hope4peyton and just read that you're here. I want all of your body to work again I pray for you and your family everyday. I'm so glad your humor, strong will and determination is still going strong. Life my not be the same but it can still be wonderful and fun! I love you and miss seeing you.

  32. mary jo April 7, 2010 at 12:03 AM #

    It sucks… but like you are saying, it's better then what could be.

    HUGS

  33. Debbie Hale April 6, 2010 at 7:52 PM #

    I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. But I look at it this way – at least your children still have their mommy, and your hubby still has his wife. What a blessing that is! Also, you are getting stronger everyday, you just can't give up! You can do it, and you have LOTS of friends who care about you!!!!

  34. Kristin April 6, 2010 at 10:30 PM #

    It totally sucks…but I'm glad at least half works and am praying you recover even more.

  35. Celeste April 6, 2010 at 10:18 PM #

    Of course it sucks..But you know what–you are alive and I am very thankful that you are here, not only so you have more life here on earth–but for your kids and husband too. I know that it sucks to have to deal with all these new frustrations, but don't ever forget for one minute that you lived for a reason–you are here for your family and that definitely doesn't suck.
    love ya
    Celeste

  36. @sweetbabboo April 6, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    Damn right it sucks. It WILL get better. We've been praying and we'll continue to pray.

    -Abby

  37. SmileyGirl April 6, 2010 at 9:08 PM #

    You give me a perspective that kicks me in the head sometimes, especially when I need it. I, too, didn't know you before your stroke (B.S. – kind of catchy huh?) but have so loved getting to know "you" through your work, your incredible friends and support system. The videos created for you have been incredible and show just how much you are truly loved. I'm so glad the best part is still working – your brain, humor and personality! Congrats and here's to more advanced as you push forward.

  38. tricia April 6, 2010 at 5:06 PM #

    It definitely sucks.

    But it sucks less than if your family had woke up one morning with you and went to bed without you. Forever.

    I am praying for you, that you will be encouraged in this long hard process called healing. This process called living.

  39. Katharine April 6, 2010 at 4:49 PM #

    Yes it sucks. No, it's not fair. Amazing astonishing unexpected things can come from it though. Just keep breathing in and breathing out.

  40. Headless Mom April 6, 2010 at 8:32 PM #

    Your attitude about this sucky situation is to be envied. I love you, sister!

  41. brittany April 6, 2010 at 8:28 PM #

    You are right. It sucks. It's NOT FAIR. But ya know what, one leg? One arm? You are right, small price to pay for having you here with us.

    I love you sweet face!

  42. Monica Brady April 6, 2010 at 7:33 PM #

    I'm sure it does suck… but at least you are there and with your family, and they have you to hug and bug… You will get stronger with time!

  43. fearandparentinginlasvegas April 6, 2010 at 7:30 PM #

    I'm glad we got the half we did. Because getting stuck with JUST the other half would suck twice as bad.

  44. Desera April 6, 2010 at 7:24 PM #

    I'm sure your crooked smile is beautiful! I am so glad you are here and able to post again! You were so missed! =)

  45. Michelle April 6, 2010 at 7:19 PM #

    I can't even imagine. *HUGS*

  46. Ali @PickleSugarPlum April 6, 2010 at 7:16 PM #

    Good thing you are a fighter, then…since you have a challenging road ahead of you! I understand that it sucks, but what I've gotten to know of you through your tweets, blog, facebook, and your husbands posts to your blog, you are NOT A QUITTER, and you will continue to push the limits and challenge yourself, as well as those around you.

    I agree with other comments…I often forget myself, and take things for granted…sometimes I even throw myself a pity party, then someone amazing, with bigger challenges, comes along and reminds me of all that I have to be thankful for…no matter how bad we may EVER have it, chances are, there is someone out there who has it WAY worse.

    Keep challenging yourself, and pushing those limits, Anissa…I am here, cheering you on EVERY SINGLE BABY STEP OF THE WAY!!!

  47. Bejewell April 6, 2010 at 6:57 PM #

    It sucks BALLS. But you could fill a football stadium with all the people who are on your side right now! Lots and lots and lots of love.

  48. MommyNamedApril April 6, 2010 at 6:56 PM #

    it does suck. you got a raw deal, but i'm so glad you're still here with us. ((hugs))

  49. Lisa April 6, 2010 at 6:46 PM #

    Yep, it totally sucks. Everyone is pulling for you, supporting you and loving you.

  50. Classy Mommy April 6, 2010 at 6:29 PM #

    It really sucks. I am so sorry and think of you every single day. It isn't fair but I'm so glad you can appreciate the positive – the price you pay to see your beautiful chldren's smiles and be with your husband. Your kids need you and it is incredible that you can do all you can – just the fact that you can write this blog post is out of this world positive and a miracle. Keep on fighting and we are all rooting for you. And thank you for reminding all of us how lucky we are to be healthy. Not everyone is conscious of their health unless they've gone through it via themselves or a family member. You make it real for so many people.

    Hang in there. Wishing you more good days. xo colleen (aka classymommy)

  51. robin April 6, 2010 at 6:23 PM #

    I remember when I heard about your stroke through Twitter. I didn't even know who you were, but everyone had such fantastic things to say about you and it made me pray for you so hard. Then when I read about your history and your family, I prayed for you even more. I wanted you to make it so badly.

    You are a complete stranger to me, and before I heard about what happened to you, I hadn't even read your blog. My point is that I am so glad you are here. I don't know you, but I am rooting for you like you have no idea. :) You and your family give me strength in prayer and conquering life.

    Bless you and your family. Keep fighting. :)

    • Cassie Dismukes April 7, 2010 at 2:23 PM #

      Robin has said exactly what I would have!!! Just met you online through the Bloggess when you first had your stroke. Since, then I've read everything on Hope 4 Peyton and this site. You're an amazing woman with untold amounts of strength and courage. You'll be ok, anything less would be unacceptable to you, so you'll fight, and you'll win. Cuz your Anissa Freakin' Mayhew.

  52. The Lass April 6, 2010 at 6:08 PM #

    It must suck donkeys. I am really sorry, but I'm also hoping things will get better eventually.

  53. PunditMom April 6, 2010 at 6:06 PM #

    I watched my best friend struggle with this, though her physical limitations came on slowly over time. She would agree — it sucks. But we love that you're here with us and know that your voice has lots more work to do. xxoo

  54. LisaUnfiltered April 6, 2010 at 5:57 PM #

    It sucks beyond the telling of it.

  55. Bobbi Janay April 6, 2010 at 5:33 PM #

    Yes it does, but it will get better.

  56. Angella April 6, 2010 at 5:10 PM #

    I can only imagine how hard it would suck, but DUDE. I thought we were all going to lose you. Pretty happy you proved me wrong.

  57. Becky @TheRealBecks April 6, 2010 at 5:05 PM #

    I can't imagine how it is for you Anissa. But your strength inspires me daily. It's just so good to see you back. We missed you.

  58. Jamie April 6, 2010 at 5:03 PM #

    I have no doubt it sucks, but if someone can do something amazing with what they've been handed, it's you. <3

  59. earth_mommy April 6, 2010 at 4:54 PM #

    Suck, yes. But you will get stronger. And you are home. And you have their hugs and kisses to keep you going. [Not to mention all of us out here in cyberspace rooting for you!]

  60. Fran April 6, 2010 at 4:53 PM #

    I'm so glad you're here to tell the tale, as it were. You are a powerful witness.

  61. Apryl's Antics April 6, 2010 at 4:47 PM #

    It does suck, but I feel like it won't always be that way.

  62. Holly April 6, 2010 at 4:47 PM #

    That must suck. I can't even imagine the suckiness of it.

    You don't suck, though – you rawk!

  63. Miss Grace April 6, 2010 at 4:43 PM #

    It sucks, but I'm so glad you're here. I love you like crazy cakes.

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