i’m having a party. the pity variety that comes with choice of whine

“Can I?”

A phrase the people that know me best are sick of hearing.

They tell me not to ask for permission, they’re not used to it.

Just a few month ago I had a whole different existence.  I didn’t have choices to make.  I was lucky to be alive and they let me know it every day,

I didn’t stay at that place longer than I HAD to.

But they did teach me to question my rights and that I had no options.

It’s something that I’m still working through. I had to learn to assume my way again….and its hard.

It’s hard to start being yourself again, when yourself has been gone for what feels like forever.

It’s hard to trust people you love, especially when you’ve been so confused and unsure.

It’s hard to turn to your body, your one reliable thing, when it has decided to not work.

It is so hard, every day.

But I will still do it.

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27 Responses to i’m having a party. the pity variety that comes with choice of whine

  1. Mary @ Holy Mackerel May 22, 2010 at 11:21 AM #

    I can’t even imagine. I have never been down your road, so I can’t compare. I have been very ill and totally dependent, however, and I know how hard that is. Very hard. And harder yet to try and be yourself again, a person who can make decisions, be sure of things, just be.

    You are amazing.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Today’s post is full of frustration. Enjoy! =-.

  2. Mrs. Schmitty May 17, 2010 at 9:24 AM #

    Keep strong!
    .-= Mrs. Schmitty´s last blog ..I’m A Lucky Lady, In More Ways Than One =-.

  3. Amy Nasworthy May 16, 2010 at 9:41 AM #

    I have been seaching for the right words to tell you how amazing I think you are, but there aren’t any. You cheated death, you woke-up, you made it home. You inspire me everyday, you make me want to be better. I want you to be better

  4. Melisa with one S May 15, 2010 at 7:48 PM #

    Stay strong, Anissa!!!

    xoxo
    .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..*Sigh.* =-.

  5. Jamie May 15, 2010 at 6:22 PM #

    I remember reading the first post by your husband around Thanksgiving that you had the stroke.

    “What?” It took reading it a couple of times to understand what had happened.

    You would have never chosen this — but look how far you’ve come. Absolutely amazing. Rest a minute. Then start kicking yourself in the arse again. And no worries re feeling sorry for yourself. Who doesn’t love a good pity party? I can throw some gala ones — completely unjustified. If only my dinner parties came off as flawlessly, mother would be so proud. Take care. You’re doing it.

  6. Sandy May 15, 2010 at 5:56 PM #

    I’ve been having a pity party for last few hours just because I’m physically tired and my jeans are too tight. We all have pity parties for ourselves but most of us are not entitled to one. You, my dear, are entitled to have a pity bash or maybe even a pity cruise. My neighbor had major stroke a few years back and no one would ever know now. She made an amazing recovery but it took time. To us it was no time at all but I’m sure to her it felt like forever. Just hang in there and keep on trying. We are all so happy and amazed that you are already blogging and twittering.

  7. Melody May 15, 2010 at 5:20 PM #

    Just sending love.
    .-= Melody´s last blog ..SOOC Saturday ~ Grandparents are Freaking Weird =-.

  8. Ann's Rants May 15, 2010 at 5:19 PM #

    Hi Anissa! Just giving you a high five and cup of water here on the side lines. Can you see the throngs of us cheering you along this marathon?

    Hold on (to crowd: PEOPLE? I THINK SHE WANTS TO CHILL FOR A SECOND!)

    I think someone just went to turn up the music. I’m going to run and get you a taco.

    So maybe it’s a party and not a marathon. Whatever you call it, we are all here. Still here! Celebrating you and your recovery–no matter how long or difficult.

  9. Karina May 15, 2010 at 3:48 AM #

    Honey, I can’t imagine. Can’t imagine the pain, the frustration, the hard work. But know this: Even when you feel you’re at your weakest, angriest at the world there are those of us who you’ve never met that want you to succeed, want you to flourish. I would have crawled into a hole and died by now Anissa, I swear to f***…..but hell, there you are fighting, laughing, and giving us food for thought. Keep fighing baby. Keep fighting. You don’t even know it girl, but so many of us are behind you. xo -K
    .-= Karina´s last blog ..KarinaInTO: You peeps should count yourself lucky I won’t tweet from the bubble bath….4 reals, thank your lucky stars. *snicker =-.

  10. Annie Anderson May 15, 2010 at 12:38 AM #

    Anissa,

    You will get through it!

    My brother in law had a stroke very similar to yours last year just before Easter. He had a less than 10% of surviving the type of stroke he had according to the medical team at one of the best hospitals here in Seattle. They said he’d never get better, never walk again. Told the family to assemble and pay their respects as we was probably not going home.

    Well . . .

    Today – just more than year later – he walks without aid about 50% of the time. He is driving himself to doctors appointments and the store, driving his 9 year old daughter to school. His speech is finally almost perfect and he can do a set of push ups, walk up/down stairs, dress himself and has almost all of his vision back. He still has some paralysis on one side, though, mostly in his arm and hand. But he’s working through that too.

    It’s taken A LOT of hard work. And that’s an understatement as I’m sure you know. The point, obviously, is that it’s possible. Anything is possible. You’ve come SO far. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that . . . lol. We all know you can do it, though. For those days when you don’t have faith, we do.

    Be blessed,
    ~Annie
    .-= Annie Anderson´s last blog ..Thankful =-.

  11. Laurita Olmstead May 14, 2010 at 11:16 PM #

    You are such a fighter!!! I have seen such changes in you since you came home from the hospital. You fight is coming back more and more. I enjoy each time coming to clean and seeing the next hurdle you have crossed. God has a purpose for you and in time He will reveal it to you. You know I am still praying for you.

  12. Carla May 14, 2010 at 10:16 PM #

    I’m so glad you are here and able to ask or demand or just do. Keep strong and keep pushing. You go girl.
    .-= Carla´s last blog ..Art In Training =-.

  13. stephanie May 14, 2010 at 10:05 PM #

    I have never, ever commented until now. Anissa, you are an amazing woman! These so called “setbacks” keep challenging you to re-define yourself and your purpose! I admire your bravery and strength!

  14. Brandy May 14, 2010 at 9:14 PM #

    Anissa, you are such an inspiration to so many people! You have every right to be down at times. But, the fact that you don’t let that stop you is a testament to how awesome you are! Hang in there!

  15. Kristin May 14, 2010 at 8:46 PM #

    That’s not a pity party at all. That sounds like frustration to me. You CAN DO IT!
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..Answers for you =-.

  16. tricia May 14, 2010 at 7:43 PM #

    Doesn’t sound like much of a pity party to me. You will do everything you have set your mind to do. I just know it. I will keep praying for you.
    .-= tricia´s last blog ..Journey ~ Repost =-.

  17. Cindy May 14, 2010 at 7:20 PM #

    Praying for you, lady. Hang in there!
    .-= Cindy´s last blog ..I’m Coming to Join Ya, Honey! =-.

  18. Bridget May 14, 2010 at 7:15 PM #

    You will do it, and you will do it in that amazing Anissa way.
    Praying for you every day…
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Mouthwatering Monday: Chocolate Chip Pound Cake =-.

  19. Elsa May 14, 2010 at 7:10 PM #

    you are an inspiration to some that could never imagine being in your shoes … you are continued to be lifted in prayer, God bless

  20. Ann Marie May 14, 2010 at 6:51 PM #

    I’m with you. The hardest thing to do is ask for help. You have come a long way because of your strength and the determination of those who love you.

  21. Lisa May 14, 2010 at 6:41 PM #

    It could have been worse. You could have NOT had a family that cared, cares as much as they did and do. Some family’s just leave their loved ones in some crap hole, not caring what happens at all.
    You are one strong person to have gone thru what you have and come out on this side of good, that takes some guts, you have what it takes go for it!

  22. The Mayor May 14, 2010 at 6:31 PM #

    The very awareness you have of this conundrum speaks to the healing taking place in your brain. So we will celebrate that, yet lend you a venue to rant to all the frustrations of getting your whole self back entails.

    Technically, being that we all change with time and environment, I guess getting back to where you were is impossible. But I have a feeling God will work it all out to to his purpose, and your best place to be.

    Stay strong.
    .-= The Mayor´s last blog .."Udderly" Phenomenal =-.

  23. Peter Mayhew May 14, 2010 at 6:29 PM #

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I chose that place for a reason. I know you. I’ve always known you. I know your strengths. I knew you’d fight like hell to get out of there. It was an impossible decision to make, but I had to make it.
    .-= Peter Mayhew´s last blog ..Moms =-.

  24. thepeachy1 May 14, 2010 at 6:25 PM #

    Uhm I am pretty much thinking if anyone has a right to throw a little party every once in a while it’s you, however as your friend I have to remind you, YOU ARE YOU. Brilliant, wonderful, outgoing, strong, decisive, a warrior, sexy, beautiful, mom, and wife. You do have a bit of an adjustment to go back to claiming YOU, You the strong willed, stubborn, often inappropriate you, it’s ok to stumble, it’s ok to suck and fail sometimes, cause face it, we all do a lot of suck and fail stroke or no stroke. Hang in there as you reclaim it one piece at a time. Your ahead in this game already. So rock it like you mean it baby…

  25. Tracy Solomon May 14, 2010 at 6:21 PM #

    Anissa, you are a strong woman, stronger than most anyone I know! When you wu wake up each day, you will keep finding more and more strengths that each of us know that you have. Each of us know you in different ways, some smaller ways and some larger ways. You represent women well because of how much you have been able to grow and yet be so true to yourself. That is what shows true strength. Not being able to always show trust or know whom to show trust in just shows you are human which is fine. Just be you and allow yourself the time and healing you need like you stood alongside Peyton through. Your body will amaze you because you just have you have amazed us. Miracles happen and they are happening to you!

    Love, Tracy (and Katia)
    http://www.ladybugkatia.com

  26. Shelley May 14, 2010 at 6:18 PM #

    You’re Anissa Freaking Mayhew, you CAN DO ANYTHING! And you are doing it!

  27. Rita Arens May 14, 2010 at 6:16 PM #

    I can’t imagine, Anissa. I really can’t. I think asking for help would seriously be the hardest thing, especially when you pride yourself on being self-sufficient, as I know you do, as I know I do.
    .-= Rita Arens´s last blog ..Yeah, So Here’s Me Without Any Make-up and Bedhead. You’re Welcome. =-.

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