just when you think your day is bad…

I was really considering ditching the whole blog thing.  Reading comment after comment from readers meant so much to me and it stood good chances of changing my mind.

I won’t lie, I felt like a bit of a crybaby for all the complaining I did.  It’s ok, you can say it.  I did.  Someone call a wahhhmbulence because I was obviously having a crisis.

And just about the time it seemed like I had issues, the world came crashing down.

We had gotten dressed and ready for Nathaniel’s soccer camp that there was a screw up around.  For me that meant A LOT of screw up.  Peter had worked so hard to cover all the bases and there were screw ups.

It was a mess.

When it felt like a REALLY bad day, I got a text message.

A friend had lost her son to the brain tumors they could never get rid of.

Her child. Gone.

Her little boy with the goofy grin and wonderful hug was forever gone.

And I couldn’t even go to his mother’s side to tell her how much he meant to me.  I couldn’t share with his step-dad how he used to crack me up.  I can’t be there to say goodbye at his service.

I have never resented how much these strokes have limited me more than this.

Justen, I miss you.

You made the world a better place.

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31 Responses to just when you think your day is bad…

  1. Angela June 29, 2010 at 9:32 PM #

    So sorry for your friends lose and all the friends who knew him and are now missing him.

  2. Sunnie in NC June 29, 2010 at 3:55 PM #

    Yep—it SUCKS ASS!!! You have every right to scream it at the top of your lungs. Bitch and moan and do what ever you need to do but don’t you ever give up and don’t you ever quit!! This world is a better place because of you Anissa…..so bitch and whine but keep on keepin’ on!! Get your bitch on and work your way through it!!! We want to hear it!!
    And soooo sorry about Justen!!!
    Sunnie in NC

  3. Elizabeth Kaylene June 29, 2010 at 1:51 PM #

    Hi Anissa,
    I just popped in because I was wondering how you were doing. I’d heard through the Twitter grapevine about your stroke and followed your story for a while. I’m so glad that you’re writing again!

    I know you want to be there for your friends. I know how hard it can be when you can’t. I am so sorry for their loss and for yours, but I also want you to know that you have every right to “whine.” I have read so many bloggers feeling guilty for “whining” about their medical conditions. We write because we want to get our feelings out, and how we feel about our medical conditions are a part of that.

    Please keep writing. Hugs and love to you and your friends in this difficult time.
    .-= Elizabeth Kaylene´s last blog ..myLOL- How the past will make me stronger for the future =-.

  4. Melinda June 29, 2010 at 7:02 AM #

    Oh, I am so sorry for the loss, for you and for your friend! *hugs*

    I know I don’t comment much on here. I mainly read from my Google Reader on the iPad and the webpage won’t let me comment from it when I click on the website to reply. However, I would really, really, really, really miss you if you didn’t post on here and on Twitter.

  5. ThePeachy1 June 29, 2010 at 12:08 AM #

    perspective.. it sucks.. no words for little man and his family just love..

  6. Tina June 28, 2010 at 11:47 PM #

    Anissa,

    I am so sorry for your friends loss! How devastating!

    Don’t stop blogging…..there are so many of us that are always praying for your full recovery (in which you have already amazed us)!

  7. Christine June 28, 2010 at 10:11 PM #

    Anissa, I am so sorry about your friend, and about Justen. Please know that your friend knows.

    You are strong and amazing. Keep up the good work.

  8. Lex June 28, 2010 at 9:01 PM #

    I love you, lady. *mwah*

  9. Deb Young June 28, 2010 at 7:54 PM #

    Anissa,

    Keep whining girlfriend! If you stopped blogging this world would not be the same!

  10. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 28, 2010 at 7:35 PM #

    I’m so so sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer sucks.

    And don’t you ever, never, ever think of leaving blogging.

  11. Kristen June 28, 2010 at 5:48 PM #

    You can whine all you want…as long as while you’re whining you are working as hard as you can to regain as much as you can. I am so sorry for the loss of your friends son. I just can’t imagine what she is going through. I am sure his mom knows how much you want to be there for her. Hugs to you. Keep up your hard work!!

  12. Luci Keeler June 28, 2010 at 5:12 PM #

    Hi Anissa,
    I have been one of your silent readers. I have thought many times of commenting but haven’t…until now. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend’s son. I have been praying for your healing and feel that God has been answering my prayers. I am amazed at your strength and courage. I am so happy for your kids that they still have their mom to hug, and talk to. Just knowing what I do about you from reading your blog I have faith that you will be able to do everything you were able to before. You can whine all you want and I will read and listen and will comment more often. Thank you for your honesty in everything you write!

    Luci

  13. Stimey June 28, 2010 at 4:46 PM #

    I am so sorry.
    .-= Stimey´s last blog ..Godzillas of Varying Ilks =-.

  14. Opus June 28, 2010 at 3:54 PM #

    Anissa,

    I’ve been lurking for months now and I just want to say that you are providing a great service in your blog right now. You have suffered a great loss (the “old” you) and now you are working through the grief and finding out who the “new” you is. You are showing the world some of what that path entails. So it’s not all rainbows and roses, but is that real life anyway? You just keep on keeping on and we’ll be right along with you. What a journey it is!

    Opus

  15. Kristin June 28, 2010 at 2:36 PM #

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s loss and the frustration you are experiencing at not being able to be there. Praying for strength and peace of mind for all of you.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..How to freak out your 13 yr old =-.

  16. Lisa June 28, 2010 at 2:13 PM #

    Oh, I’m so, so sorry for your friend’s loss, and for yours. It just makes me sick, it breaks my heart and makes me want to scream anytime I hear about a child dying, it just isn’t supposed to happen that way.

    Your friends know you are there for them in spirit and if things were different you would be there in person.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..When God Negoiates =-.

  17. Kel June 28, 2010 at 1:00 PM #

    Anissa,
    I have been reading your blog silently for quite some time now. When I read of your strokes I prayed for you and your family. My father suffered a massive stroke that took his left side of his body at the age of 49 and caused other neurological issues and loss as well. So I appreciate all of the hard work you must do in order to regain your life. I never considered your writing to be whining, just sad to read of another family who has suffered so much pain and sadness. But I did, on occasion think in my head, this is all bad stuff, but it isnt the end of the world. I know, because I too recently lost my son. He was 20 years old and he died on January 8, 2010. Less than six months ago, from a heroin overdose.

    I started blogging close to 5 years ago, but in a different genre. I blog in what I guess my network of people are considered to be Sober and Recovery based blogs. Over the years I have told the story of my journey of raising a child with an addiction problem and now about the difficulties of living my life without my child. I often go to the Mommy Blogs, because it gives me hope, and makes me feel good that other families although they have other issues, can share their journeys with such a wonderful sense of humor. Losing a child to a drug overdose is often looked upon differently than loosing a child to a disease or an accident. As a Mommy, it makes no difference how you lose them, you just live in the constant pain of losing them.

    So please keep sharing your journey with us. Your strength reaches out to others you dont even know exist out there.

    Hugs,
    Kel
    .-= Kel´s last blog ..Nobody told me thered be days like these =-.

  18. Kelly June 28, 2010 at 12:45 PM #

    And suddenly the incomplete tax data I received from our Research department seems so trivial, so silly to even complain about. Whether you keep the blog or not, you need to keep writing. You have an amazing gift. And the stroke didn’t take that away. I read your posts fro m before and now after the stroke, and your talent with words is definitely still there.

    I was reading some of your old posts, and I saw one related to your friend Heather Spohr where you talked about having been to the funerals of 10 different children. You are obviously a very giving, caring person, and I’m sure Justen’s parents know that, even if you can’t be at Justen’s memorial in person. Maybe send a letter, either written or typed, to let them know how much you loved Justen and that you’ll never forget him. It will mean a lot.

  19. Karen June 28, 2010 at 12:25 PM #

    I had a moment like that this weekend, where I almost shut it all down. I just created a new blog that is unlocked. It is scary. The other one I used for 4 years was locked and only people I knew could see most of it.
    Just 3 days in, I received an interesting tweet from someone who judged my son. It hurt so bad! I was so driven to shut it down but I turned that energy into a post about labeling kids and then I saw others promoting what I wrote.

    My point it, the post might have helped someone and your posts help so many people. Keep going Anissa. You give hope to families living with cancer, you give hope to stroke patients and survivors, you give hope to moms everywhere and you give it to yourself by writing it all out.

    Also God bless Justen and his family. Your tribute to him will have me hugging my son tighter tonight. See, again…you brought about good.

  20. Melisa with one S June 28, 2010 at 12:18 PM #

    I’m really sorry for your friend’s loss. :(
    .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..Storming MSI Chicago =-.

  21. Tracy Solomon June 28, 2010 at 12:08 PM #

    Anissa,

    Everytime another family loses their loved one to cancer, I get this horrible feeling, like a yanking feeling on my heart. As long as Katia has fought and been in this world of cancer we have seen so many kids walk out of the hospital corridors and get off of treatment and it is a joy to know they are able to be free from treatment but I know cancer is never totally absent from their minds. We have also seen far too many families lose their loved ones, their children either slowly over time or suddenly to cancer or the side effects of treatments. Seeing the suffering these families go through, I cannot really put into words which gives me more of a reason to stand beside them and others and do what we can to progress toward better treatments and one day a cure. We are so blessed to have our Katia here with us and it is our prayer that God extends her life and and keeps His hand on all of those in treatment and out of treatments to remain cancer free.

    Anissa, your blog has touched so many lives and given so much hope, laughter, tears of joy and allowed people to get to know you and your family. When you had your stroke the love for you was so obvious which came from the love you have shown. Our Foundation has a saying, “Love comes back when you give it to someone else.” It is clear this has been true in your case, very true!

    Love, Tracy and Katia
    ladybugkatia.com
    .-= Tracy Solomon´s last blog ..If You Dont Like It- You Can =-.

  22. Lisa June 28, 2010 at 11:33 AM #

    Anissa,
    I read your blog all the time and never comment-but I read this book and thought of you throughout the entire book. The Brain that Changes Itself. Here is a link to it:

    http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge/MAIN.html

    I hope it helps you. It talks about scientists who prove the brain can change and re-wire itself. It gives examples that are astounding and out there for you to access.
    You are an inspiration to all of us.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..My Grandma =-.

  23. Amanda June 28, 2010 at 11:32 AM #

    I am not ok with kids dying. Petulant, pissed, pained. Damn. I am so bleeping sorry. I hope that you find a way to honor (though you’ve done that here) and say goodbye.
    Hugs.
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Perspective =-.

  24. Becky June 28, 2010 at 11:12 AM #

    Oh God, Anissa. I’m so sorry and yes, it’s unfair. It’s so damned unfair and I’m weeping on your behalf right now. Go ahead and rant, go ahead and rage at the unfairness of it all. But remember, we’re all here for you no matter what you say, no matter how you’re feeling. Bring it on, sweetheart. We can take it. <3

  25. Mary @ Holy Mackerel June 28, 2010 at 10:58 AM #

    You have every right to be unhappy, Anissa. You’ve been through so so much.
    If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that everyone’s (un)happiness is all relative, and very personal, and cannot be compared with another’s. It is so very sad that Justen has passed, and yes, it’s terrible stuff, but it doesn’t mean you also don’t have sad things going on in your life. There’s no ratings scale for our experiences.
    I too have felt guilty many times for whining about my sorry life, especially when yet another child dies, but deep down, I know that my sadness is mine, and just as real and “worthy” as others’.
    Take care, Anissa.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Today is a good day because Im having a really good hair day and thats all that really matters- isnt it =-.

  26. Ali @PickleSugarPlum June 28, 2010 at 10:57 AM #

    Don’t you DARE walk away from blogging…it’s such a huge part of you. I totally agree with the comment above. It’s not always going to be upbeat and perky…your real friends and followers understand that. Or we wouldn’t be here. You go right ahead and vent when you need to, and ask for positive thoughts to help get you through it. That’s what friends are for, and without that, what good is having them?

    As for your friend’s loss, I am sincerely sorry, and wish her much peace and healing…nothing is more heart-breaking than losing someone, especially a child…and it’s hard to find comforting words without having experienced a similar situation, but I am sending my most positive thoughts and love for you all, as you grieve and heal.

  27. Angella June 28, 2010 at 10:56 AM #

    Oh, sweetie. I’ve been offline for a few days and have missed the past few posts.

    You write when you want to write, whatever you want to say, and we’ll all be here. I try to comment often, but you know what life with three kids is like. *wink*

    So, so sorry for the loss of your friend’s child. I promise to hug you even tighter in New York. xo
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..Somewhere In The Middle =-.

  28. Rita Arens June 28, 2010 at 10:42 AM #

    If you came on here every day and were all sunshine and unicorns, I would be frustrated. I would wonder why you felt the need to project only the positive. Nobody’s life is sunshine and unicorns all the time, and sometimes it’s sharing with other people the frustrations of life that make them realize nobody’s got it perfect. You call your wahmbulance as often as you need to — you’ve had a rough year and it’s totally fair to call it like it is. You are very aware of the blessings in your life, which more than balances any complaint. The fact that you admit it’s hard and are still so strong is what makes you amazing.

    I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss, for your loss.
    .-= Rita Arens´s last blog ..Writing Is So Subjective- So Thank You =-.

  29. Barnmaven June 28, 2010 at 10:37 AM #

    I am so very sorry for your friend’s loss.

    Anissa, I don’t know if you realize how many lives you touch with your blog. I know a lot of times it can seem like you’re just sending stuff out into the void, and when people comment to you, there’s this whole question of whether they’re sincere or feeling nice, or what.

    Your blog is two things for me. One, I enjoy your writing “voice.” Its different now than it used to be. Now you pack so much meaning into fewer words, its a lot like reading poetry. Two, I’ve been glued to your recovery for what seems a hella long time now. I feel like I’m invested at this point. When I have days where I feel tired or frustrated or like giving up on things, I need only think of what you have fought past. If you can muscle on despite everything, then by God so can I. Justen’s loss provided you some perspective you needed. You provide me with the same thing.

    Keep blogging.
    .-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..Round Peg =-.

  30. CJ June 28, 2010 at 10:19 AM #

    We are all entitled to our wah-burger and cry fries now and then! You included. I lost a little girl I had raised for two and a half years….it will be three years in January. I STILL hurt about it. I still blog about it. I’m sure people think I need to get over it and cowgirl up and quit my bitching…but it’s MY pain. It’s MY scar. It’s MY blog…..they can move on if they want, but I’m not going to stop MY therapy because of what people MAY be thinking.

    You have inspired countless people. You have touched numerous lives.

    I’m sorry you’re limited. I can’t imagine what that is like for you….

    but this post is why you blog. This post is why we read. No matter how hard it gets, you keep your chin up (most of the time) and keep moving forward. You have a strength second to none and we’re all here for you….whether you’re hurting or celebrating.

    My thoughts go out to your friend and everyone touched by the loss of her son. Losing a child is horrible. I am so, so sorry for her loss.
    .-= CJ´s last blog ..Keep Movin On =-.

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