that orphan chick might have liked singing about “Tomorrow”…i’ve never liked orphans anyway

It has been a rough couple of days.

It’s felt both good and bad.

I’ve felt lost at the hurt piled up around all the changes in my body.

The days are full of smiles of kids’ that are as glad as me that I’m home.

There have been days when I realize my own weaknesses.

Then come the times when I feel nothing but strength.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m nothing but a dead weight.

I can often be the “inspiration” people make me out to be.  (GAG)

Some days I wonder if I was really meant to wake up.

Could I have possibly been meant for less than every one of these miraculous moments?

This life.  This world.  This existence.

It’s mine and it will always be mine.

Good.

Bad.

Always mine.

Maybe tomorrow.

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17 Responses to that orphan chick might have liked singing about “Tomorrow”…i’ve never liked orphans anyway

  1. Kim June 10, 2010 at 11:23 PM #

    I am a neuro ICU RN. When I first read your story right after your stroke and heard what your husband was describing I thought there was no way you would come home let alone wake up. Your story has given me a different perspective of my patients and their families that fight for any small chance of recovery. Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. Barnmaven June 9, 2010 at 9:27 AM #

    You have every right to have be frustrated and have down days. I can’t imagine how monumental and steep the road ahead of you must feel at times. I don’t know how I would feel in your shoes.

    From the outside looking in, I can understand why people think you are inspirational. So many people don’t reach, don’t try, don’t do. When the medical professionals were telling Pete and all of us not to hope for too much, you woke up and punched them in the junk. One handed. Hey, that’s a wee bit inspirational, you have to admit.
    .-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..De-slumping =-.

  3. Lori June 9, 2010 at 4:15 AM #

    You’re writing is quite beautiful. I love the honesty.

  4. Erica June 9, 2010 at 2:26 AM #

    Yesterday I was at a 34 year old mother’s funeral and watched her husband comfort their three children.

    Of course you were meant to wake up. Your family was lucky.

  5. Joan June 8, 2010 at 10:46 PM #

    Hi Anissa,

    I don’t know how I found your website but it was shortly after your stroke. I read the updates from your husband and was so touched by the outpouring of love for you. As you started to get better, my 44 year old brother had an aortic dissection and by odds should have died. Now I read your updates with a new empathy and appreciation. My brother was hospitalized for 11 weeks, in rehab for three weeks and is now home. I’ve told him multiple times that I wish he felt like the miracle he is. I see him struggling to find his place again. I think the expectation is that now that he’s home, he is back and ready to slide back into “normal” life. He looks lost and I wish I could help him. I’m not sure my life is the same either. Life is precious.

  6. Melinda June 8, 2010 at 5:06 PM #

    Crap. Yesterday? See what happens when my fingers don’t keep up with my thoughts? I meant “tomorrow”. :) Must have had Beatles on my mind lol

  7. Melinda June 8, 2010 at 5:03 PM #

    Anissa,

    I followed you before the coma. I thought you were wonderful and an inspiration of what a mom could be if she wanted it and worked it like you did. I thought you were hilarious and wise (dead kittens, unicorns and all).

    When they announced you were in a coma, I was, frankly, devastated. We have never met IRL, had traded, maybe, one @ on Twitter, but I felt you were part of my circle. When you woke up, even knowing you would have years of therapy ahead of you, I rejoiced (my husband was even happy and he doesn’t follow you lol).

    I know there are days when it must totally suck. I mean Hover portions of suckage. But…you are home. You have your husband, your kids and, most importantly, you still have your mind – and you came through it with the humour I love. My mawmaw had a pretty bad stroke when I was little. Doctor’s were pretty grim. But she showed them, just like you. She recovered with only a minor bit of weakness in her arm left and needing a little help getting out of the recliner now and again.

    Keep your spirits up. And “someday over the rainbow” “Yesterday” will be awesome again.

    *smoochies and hugs*

  8. Pattie June 8, 2010 at 4:24 PM #

    I’m with everyone else in that I’m also thrilled you woke up and you’re still here. May each tomorrow be better than the last.
    .-= Pattie´s last blog ..Remembering Ryan Means =-.

  9. Michelle June 8, 2010 at 3:05 PM #

    Anissa, i corresponded briefly with your husband when you were thinking about writing again. I think because I commented on his post and said something about having Cerebral Palsy, raising 2 kids, oh yeah, and my mad 1 handed typing skills (no, really, I can really type about 60 wpm with one hand).

    I can TOTALLY understand how much you hate being called an inspiration some days…(blech), but you are. Believe me, when people tell me that are so “inspired” that I am raising my two girls with my “affliction” (yeah, I know, really?! affliction?), it makes me puke in my mouth a little bit. But, I go with it because dammit, I am kind of an inspiration…not toomany people can do what we do with only one properly working side…there are some moms out there that don’tget it right with two working sides!

    You can have days when you feel sorry for yourself, you are allowed, but then you need to SNAP OUT OF IT! Look, here is how I look at life…when we were born, God gave us a deck of cards that we have to deal with. You are still the same person before the stroke. You still have your brain, you still have the same thoughts and your kick ass humor as before the stroke. The only thing you don’t have is the same mobility that you had before the stroke, in time, that will get better. And whatever one side lacks, the side that is better will learn to compensate. (My left side works well, its my right side that likes to be a bitch)

    I just thought you would want to hear something from someone who knows what you are going through.

    I’m sorry you are having a rough day…thats crummy, tomorrow will be better

    Aloha,
    Michelle

  10. Holly at Tropic of Mom June 8, 2010 at 2:35 PM #

    But of course you had to wake up because you’re too awesome not to. You were on Oprah after all.

    Wishing you more days of “feeling nothing but strength.”
    .-= Holly at Tropic of Mom´s last blog ..The beach at twilight =-.

  11. Melisa with one S June 8, 2010 at 12:11 PM #

    Just sending hugs. That’s all.
    .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..I Nearly Gave Myself Whiplash With This One. =-.

  12. erika June 8, 2010 at 12:05 PM #

    what Julie said. but i would add this:

    Your community (both IRL and virtual ) saw the power of prayer.
    you Will get though this.
    Gods’ will does not take us where his grace will not protect us.

  13. Karl June 8, 2010 at 11:51 AM #

    I’m glad you woke up, too, though I can relate to the sentiment. One of these days, I’ll get my butt to Atlanta so I can get me some Anissa huggin’.

  14. Cathy D. June 8, 2010 at 10:07 AM #

    Anyone who can use the words “inspiration” and “gag” in the same sentence is okay, no matter what.

  15. CJ June 8, 2010 at 9:42 AM #

    It’s all leading up to meeting Ty Pennington and an all expense paid trip to …???

  16. Julie Presleyo June 8, 2010 at 9:32 AM #

    Far be it from me to go off and get spiritual… ok ok, i will. ;)
    If you weren’t meant to wake up, you wouldn’t have. The posts your husband wrote, the pure faith he exhibited in your strength as a fighter, all of those things he spoke out over you came to fruition as your body began to wake up, as your eyes began to flutter and as your mind began to respond to the familiar voices around you. If you hadn’t woken up, that might have destroyed him. Destroyed your kids. Those two things alone are worth the heaviest battle in the world, and though it seems like it right now, this isn’t the heaviest battle in the world. I think you’ve already walked through THAT one with Peyton! There’s just these issues of not being able to walk (yet!), or use all of your appendages the way they’re supposed to be used (yet!). (I know these aren’t SMALL things to you, they wouldn’t be to me either…)

    People were touched by your story, people you may never meet, and they saw God pull a woman out of a darkness she didn’t choose. They saw a husband cling to whatever faith he could muster and believe that you would come out of it. They saw a husband take time to make sure his kids were ok, in the midst of mass confusion and pain. They also saw a community rise up and a give unending support!

    Your life, even in your dark and doubtful moments is a testimony to His Healing and Greatness. I don’t know why your family has been hit with this so much, God and I don’t see eye to eye on the whole suffering thing, but I know He has a purpose, and I know that there were people that would not have been reached had it not been for your stroke. I’m not going to tell you to embrace it as a blessing, that sounds absurd. But there is hope now, because of what others have seen you go through. Maybe there will be someone who experiences what your family did, and because of God’s healing in you, they’ll be able to believe for their loved one as well.

    Alright that’s it. I’m done :) Sorry. I know sometimes you just have to vent (believe me, I know), but I also know that in those times it helps to know that when you have doubts, others believe on your behalf, and right now, I believe for you!!!!
    (none of this was meant to be condescending in ANY way, I know it might come across that way, that’s not my intent at all. I just felt really strongly to leave you some encouragement!!! I hope that’s what it is to you!)

  17. Adventures In Babywearing June 8, 2010 at 9:20 AM #

    Selfishly, I’m glad you woke up. But I understand that it’s no fair, no fair that you had to wake up to this. .
    .-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Pick your battles, and other tales from my time in prison. =-.

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