the person i used to be isn’t the person i am today

Months have gone by with me feeling shaky and unsure.   Wondering how I fit in, where I fit in, and DID I fit in anymore?

Before I had the stroke I knew my place in the scheme of things.  I felt assured that if I worked hard, I would be rewarded.  So, I worked hard!

I did the job of five people. But happily.

You want multi-tasking?  I had multi-tasking down to an art!

I had three kids that were happy and healthy.  I had a marriage that would definitely last until death did us part.  I had a business that involved involved a lot of juggling but it just so happens I’m a Master Juggler.

I had it all!

Then I had two strokes.

All those days, all those weeks, all those months gone by.

I felt shaky and unsure.

In the months I was gone I was lucky to have wonderful friends.  Friends that took care of me, took care of my kids, took care of the thing important to me.

Aiming Low, my baby.

It was a dream that came true with the help of amazing friends that could never be replaced.

Now I’m awake and I’m home and I’m improving every day.

And I feel like I’m part of this tremendous site that I haven’t always been a part of.  I’m awake, here I am.

I’m going to start writing a regularly scheduled thing that’s different and new and hopefully my steps back into a life that was always mine…but more carefully mine.  I want to feel like I’m needed.  Like there’s a reason for me.

Like I won’t be a complete waste of time.

Let me be sure and confident.

I think I’m ready!

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25 Responses to the person i used to be isn’t the person i am today

  1. Cort June 16, 2010 at 7:22 AM #

    I “met” you through the Aiming Low site and then read with baited breath as your husband posted notes on your recovery – crying with each step toward recovery. Glad to be a long distance cyber cheerleader! You keep on it, sister!
    .-= Cort´s last blog ..I’m a [Fill in the blank]-aholic: Introduction to the self-diagnosed addict within =-.

  2. Ann Marie June 14, 2010 at 6:58 PM #

    You are such an inspiration. I learned this while reading your husband’s updates of your condition. It was so very obvious that you are a prize fighter. And during your darkest times had no intentions of giving up because you knew that your maker had big plans for you.
    I think of you when I am having a bad day or my healthy self is feeling low, and I am thankful for so many things.
    You are a great inspiration to many types of people and I am so thankful to get a glimpse into your life.
    Thank you for getting stronger. I look forward to reading more of your works.

  3. Maura June 14, 2010 at 6:53 PM #

    So happy. I’m smiling ear to ear. :-) Love you, lady.

  4. Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher} June 14, 2010 at 6:52 PM #

    Your self-awareness is nothing short of amazing. I’m STILL trying to be the me that I want to be. We are all a work in progress and your progress? Inspiring.
    .-= Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher}´s last blog ..Bret Michaels Never Grew Anything This Pretty—Except Maybe His Hair =-.

  5. sarah (GenMom) June 14, 2010 at 2:45 PM #

    You ARE amazing and hearing your journey through you and your husband has been an inspiration to everyone. I met you only once at a Blissdom conference but hearing the outpouring of love and reading the posts makes me wish I lived closer to get to know you better. Now, that’s a reason to be – to be the inspiration that you are day after day!

    2 Thess. 2: 16,17 “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.”
    .-= sarah (GenMom)´s last blog ..Week-in-review: It’s all good. =-.

  6. Rita Arens June 14, 2010 at 9:32 AM #

    .-= Rita Arens´s last blog ..College Degrees — Think Everyone Has Them? =-.

  7. Charisse (@missycj03) June 14, 2010 at 9:02 AM #

    It is soooo great to have you “back.” I put it in quotes because I had just found Aiming Low and your blog a few weeks before your stroke. I found you through @BarefootFoodie and my other awesome friend @mizzpanter. I did not know you well beforehand. I have since gone back and read a lot of your posts. And I kept up to date on everything that your husband wrote. I think you are incredible. I am amazed by you. And whether you ever make it back to who you were….I don’t think it should matter. That was a different woman. I think that the person that you are and are striving to be is pretty amazing!!

  8. Eternal Lizdom June 14, 2010 at 8:53 AM #

    Your definition of who you are has gotten larger, expanded. You are more useful and important than you know. While you have suffered tragedy… your resiliency and strength and grace and spirit have inspired so many! You are living with much purpose- I hope you can see it foryourself soon.
    .-= Eternal Lizdom´s last blog ..Proverbs =-.

  9. Secret Agent Mama - Mishi June 14, 2010 at 8:51 AM #

    One of my favorite memories is when you asked me to join Aiming Low.

    I’m so glad you did.

    .-= Secret Agent Mama – Mishi´s last blog ..Weekly Winners {The Week That Whizzed By Edition} =-.

  10. Gemini-Girl June 14, 2010 at 6:59 AM #

    you are such an inspiration. we have missed you!

  11. Maria June 13, 2010 at 11:02 PM #

    Aiming Low is only awesome because YOU are the heart and soul.

    Love you lady.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..Moose Has Something to Say =-.

  12. Melisa with one S June 13, 2010 at 10:43 PM #

    Nobody had any doubts who the Aiming Low leader was while you were “out”, least of all the Aiming Low ladies. They kept it going because they knew you would want to come back sometime, and I’m so glad to read that you’re doing it!

    You’re the Queen of Aiming Low! (wait, that didn’t really sound right, did it?) :)
    .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..Fruitastic Summer Salad =-.

  13. Janine (@twincident) June 13, 2010 at 10:28 PM #

    Ditto what Wendy said.
    I’ve been through things. Different from what you’ve gone through but they left me feeling shaky and unsure. Things that changed me. I’m most definitely not the person I was a few years ago. And in many ways I’m grateful for the serenity I have now, the ability to face challenges, and the understanding that I have one life and I can choose to live it, or wallow. I never used to think that way. In some ways, being a witness to your struggles and others (@whymommy, @maggiedammit, @mamaspohr…) is a reminder that we can get through things and maybe even be better off afterward. At least I feel like I am.

  14. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] June 13, 2010 at 9:33 PM #

    Lady, you ARE Aiming Low.

    OK, that sounds bad.

    You are our heart, our everything.

    Without you, there is no site. No group. I wouldn’t have the friends I have now and I have you to thank.

    Thank you.

    I love you.

    I will be there soon. EVENTUALLY.
    .-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..You know, because you wanted an update about #bumknee, right? =-.

  15. Wendy June 13, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    Life is about evolving. Maybe you’ll never be quite who you were before, but that’s okay. Before you had the strokes, you weren’t the same person as you were before you had children. You weren’t the same as you were when you were a teenager. People evolve with every event in their lives, be it life changing or the mundane. How you will evolve is up to you, but I’ve got a feeling you’ll always be that kick ass, hilarious, generous, warm, beautiful woman you’ve always been.
    .-= Wendy´s last blog ..Dear Thomas =-.

  16. tena June 13, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    yay- our fearless leader- back where she belongs and TOTALLY fits in!

  17. Kim @ Beautiful Wreck June 13, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    :) This is a very good thing. Look forward to reading more from you! And I believe you have a place, here and in our hearts.

  18. Lisa June 13, 2010 at 9:23 PM #

    I can’t wait to read what you have to say over at Aiming Low, to watch you step back into those shoes.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Someone Loves Birthdays =-.

  19. Beth June 13, 2010 at 9:12 PM #

    I look forward to reading this, Anissa. I’m still trying to find my way back from my own near death experience almost nineteen months ago (inconveniently coinciding with my daughter’s birth, so I’ll never forget the day). I think I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I won’t ever fully be who I was before, but I’m figuring out who this new person is and how she relates to the world at large. It’s been interesting so far.

    *I’m an academic; I tend to over-analyze EVERYTHING. That? Hasn’t changed.

  20. Loralee June 13, 2010 at 9:03 PM #

    So much I could say but for some disgusting reason they all sound like freaking Hallmark platitudes so I will just say “YAY!” and give you a big smile. :) xo
    .-= Loralee´s last blog ..It’s tough being 12.5 months old, dudes. =-.

  21. monstergirlee June 13, 2010 at 9:02 PM #

    Yay! I am very much looking forward to hearing more from you.
    .-= monstergirlee´s last blog ..You Capture – Fun =-.

  22. Elsa June 13, 2010 at 9:01 PM #

    and we are ready to see you soar … blessings!

  23. mommabird2345 June 13, 2010 at 8:55 PM #

    I’m looking forward to it. :)

  24. schmutzie June 13, 2010 at 8:54 PM #

    Yay! It will be good to hear you there more again :)
    .-= schmutzie´s last blog ..Computers And Robots And The Evening Sky =-.

  25. Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me June 13, 2010 at 8:49 PM #

    We’re ready for you. ((HUGS))
    .-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..Please Teach Your Children About Differences =-.

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