at least i won’t have to bring too many shoes as i’m prone to do

People have said the nicest things they can think to say.  Things that will encourage me.  Things that make me feel a lot better about seeing people I’ve known in the past and those that I will get the chance to meet.

Whether sooner or later.

But it doesn’t stop me from having the fears and insecurities.  The ones that I can’t hide or pretend don’t exist.

I’m glad to be able to go to NY.  To share our story, and talk with the many that supported us when we needed it most.  I’m glad there’s success that we can enjoy with those that have worked so hard (missing those that won’t be there) and we’ll have friends that means so much that we don’t get to see often enough.

It’ll even be good/weird to have this opportunity to show Pete this blogger side of my life.  When he’s only ever really seen me being mommy and wife, he’ll get to see me being a WRITER.

So, while I’d like this to be a wonderful experience and know that I’ll be able to knock the socks off the folks I meet, I’m scared.

I’ve never been scared before.

I manage to be confident and assured, even when I don’t know what’s going on.

This time, I’m petrified.

From the airplane and cabs to new showers and meeting people with my crooked face, I’m not confident anymore.

No amount of words seem to make that ok.

I’ve got a list, I’ve got my cards, I’ve got a few plans, I’m eager to see friends.

I’m scared.

Another side effect of strokes I wasn’t expecting.

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43 Responses to at least i won’t have to bring too many shoes as i’m prone to do

  1. Gemini-Girl July 31, 2010 at 8:04 AM #

    I am so very upset that I wont get to see you at blogher this year.. alas I will be in a different continent… but I just know that everyone in that room will welcome you with open arms. you are an inspiration. Promise me you will come visit me one day and we’ll have some falafel!

  2. Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas] July 28, 2010 at 3:24 PM #

    I almost didn’t cancel my plans to go to BlogHer because I wanted to see you. (Unfortunately the lack of time and money made me do it) You and Peter will have a great time and you’ll be great. I’m so glad you’re going, even if I can’t sit in the lobby and smoosh on you like I did last year.

  3. Fairly Odd Mother July 27, 2010 at 9:26 PM #

    I hope that by the 10th hug, you’ll lose your fear. And by the 100th,you’ll be cracking jokes about seeing down everyone’s shirts. Or, maybe you’ll be doing that by the 11th.

    I may cry on you a bit—I’m a cry-baby, and I’m just so damned happy you’ll be in NYC.

    Fairly Odd Mother´s last post…Drug-free zone

  4. *firegirl* July 27, 2010 at 4:53 PM #

    You might be scared but you’re very brave. You’re not letting the fear get the best of you so You Win.
    Plus, everyone is going to be so excited just to see/meet you, they’re not going to care one bit about the changes.

    My friend J is in a chair and he uses it to his advantage All. The. Time. He gets escorted, he gets the best seats, he gets all the attention. We tell him that “You’re so lucky”, which makes him laugh every time. So WORK that wheelchair to your advantage! (:-D Get your wheelchair diva on!

  5. Cynthia at A Shimmy In My Spirit July 27, 2010 at 2:12 PM #

    I love your writing and look forward to hearing your panel and hopefully meeting you at BlogHer. Although how I will meet you through the crowd of loving fans and huggers surrounding you, I don’t know. See you in NYC. I hope it is a wonderful experience for you.

    Cynthia at A Shimmy In My Spirit´s last post…I Have A New iPhone

  6. Susie July 26, 2010 at 8:13 PM #

    Anissa, no one will be looking at your crooked face; instead, they’ll be looking at your heart that got you there!
    You are an extraordinary writer, and have an inspiring story to tell. *Chuckle* Remember, you can’t call it an adventure unless something goes wrong. (As a widow that thought has really helped me!) With Pete and kids with you, you will be surrounded with love. Old friends will embrace you with even more love . “Where there is great love, there are always miracles”…

  7. AmazingGreis July 26, 2010 at 8:09 PM #

    You will do amazing, I just know it. I’m just bummed I won’t be there to see you again!!!! But I will be sending virtual hugs all the way from Texas!

    AmazingGreis´s last post…Tomorrow…

  8. NaomiJesson July 26, 2010 at 7:57 PM #

    *HUGS* You are an amazing and strong woman! You can tackle any obstacles & your smile will win everyone over. If it’s a little different, you can tell them your impersonating Elvis :) .

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:18 PM #

      I’m all shook up….

  9. Melisa with one S July 26, 2010 at 6:20 PM #

    I can’t wait to see you, and I don’t care if your face is crooked or not. xo

    Melisa with one S´s last post…Beans Chicago Tour 2010

  10. emma July 26, 2010 at 5:53 PM #

    Fear is such an annoying little bugger, no? If it makes you feel any better, I’m scared too. This is only my 2nd time to BH, and my first time on my own (last year, it was for biz) – I have similar worries about the newness of it all, plus will I know anyone, will I disappoint those who’ve never met me IRL, etc. My point is, if fear can be so universal (regardless of “the facts), so can confidence. You are surrounded by people who adore you. Dump the fear in Newark.

    emma´s last post…Blooming Mondays- July 26- 2010

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:18 PM #

      OK, if it totally sucks, promise me a place next to you in the bathroom. DEAL?

      –A

  11. Diana July 26, 2010 at 2:29 PM #

    I won’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but I will say that I doubt most people will even notice your face. You are such a bright person on the inside that the outside doesn’t get a chance to be seen, most of the time. Your spirit and authenticity precede you when you enter a room.

  12. Kelly July 26, 2010 at 12:30 PM #

    I don’t know you, and I don’t blog. But your story is very inspiring, and your writing is awesome. I started to write to tell you that you just have to push through these things, and I realized what crap that is. In the many months that I have been reading your blog, you’ve had to be strong every single, damn, long day. So on this trip, I’m hoping you get some breaks. Easy airplane rides and transfers, easy showers to use, and a lot of laughs along the way. A break from having to be strong and inspirational. I pray for you to have a chance to just be, without expectations or struggles.

  13. Melinda July 26, 2010 at 11:07 AM #

    You are scared and terrified…and yet you are going anyhow. That makes you one of the strongest and bravest women I know.

    I wish I could see you in NY, but BlogHer wasn’t to be for me this year. I had to choose and TypeAMom won :( ) But I will be psychically (?) rooting for you the whole time *smoochies and hugs*

  14. racheal July 26, 2010 at 6:16 AM #

    I’ve learned, in the last week, that it’s okay to be scared, to be terrified, to be so confused and lost and insecure. It’s okay Anissa, we love you, just as you are. And you, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for and you WILL get through this and so maybe there might be a couple of mishaps, and a couple of tears, and maybe some bruised egos and idiotic ignorant people you’ll have to bitchslap along the way, but in the end, in the end…it will be so worth it. Because you’ll realize just how much more you’re made of and how incredibly strong and awesome you are. I hope you feel the love and I hope you feel all the good thoughts being sent your way.
    :)

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:15 PM #

      Somehow even if I didn’t go, I think I would feel the love. You are THAT strong!

      –A

  15. Kristin July 25, 2010 at 11:32 PM #

    Anissa, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in your shoes. Just know that we are thrilled beyond belief that you are doing well enough to be there.

    Kristin´s last post…Photo Friday- Unplugged

  16. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 25, 2010 at 11:10 PM #

    We love you truly, madly, deeply.

  17. Scary Mommy July 25, 2010 at 10:48 PM #

    I don’t know if I’ve told you, but meeting you last year was one of the highlights for me. You were so kind and warm and funny — you just have a way about you– it’s almost magical. I am so, so, so glad you will be there.

  18. Wanda July 25, 2010 at 9:58 PM #

    I wish I could go to BlogHer and meet you and Pete, that would be great. Since I can’t I’m sending all my good vibes your way and I know you will have a fantastic time!

    Wanda´s last post…Working It Out

  19. Karen Hartzell, Graco July 25, 2010 at 9:39 PM #

    I agree that you should draw from others. So much love, respect and admiration from so many ppl in the blogging community will do so much to reassure your uneasy feelings. Throw in support from your amazing husband and children and nothing can stop you. Best wishes for a fabulous panel/trip!

    Karen Hartzell, Graco´s last post…“I’m Pregnant!” How did you tell Graco’s Facebook Favorites

  20. Adventures In Babywearing July 25, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    I can’t see you and I won’t be there to see you, but you are so beautiful, full face, half face, no face.

    I love your face.

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing´s last post…May all your days be gold my child

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:12 PM #

      I love yours too.

      –A

  21. Anita Turner July 25, 2010 at 8:51 PM #

    I am sure all your friends are looking forward to seeing and talking with you. I hope you have a fantastic time, and enjoy the time with your hubby! Sending positive thoughts your way.

  22. shana July 25, 2010 at 6:24 PM #

    I think you should be introduced to new people as Anissa Miracle, not Anissa Mayhew. Because you are a living miracle. Don’t have any thoughts about yourself that God doesn’t have about you.

  23. Erin July 25, 2010 at 5:54 PM #

    It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing. Getting on a plane, going somewhere that may not be as ‘comfortable’ as home, speaking infront of crowds of people…millions of people would be terrified of that ALONE…without any of the other day to day challenges that you happen to be facing right now…but the fact is..you’re DOING it. Yet again you’re pushing the boundaries, you’re making progress and even if you’re scared shitless…you’re still there. DUDE. That’s friggen AWESOME. That’s AMAZING. Months ago, this probably wouldn’t have even been remotely possible..and look what you’re doing in the next little while! And just think about all of the progress you’ll be able to show off the FOLLOWING year…holy cow batman!

    As scary as it is…you just be yourself and be the hilarious, ridiculous, awesome person I can clearly see you are…and I know that without a doubt that everyone will love you to bits. Possibly so much that you’ll cause riots with the love. I’ll have CNN streaming for reports.

    Goodluck! Can’t wait to see and hear more! Wish I was there to be a part of the mob of friends and ‘strangers’ alike trying to simultaneously give you a group hug.

    PS – It MAY be an awesome idea for someone to arrange a ‘spontaneous/random’ group hug and then take photos of it. Lots and lots of hilarious photos.

    Erin´s last post…oh blah

  24. Amelia Sprout July 25, 2010 at 5:25 PM #

    You’re going to get a million hugs. Just draw on those to give you confidence. You’ll likely be one of the most hugged people at the whole conference.

    Amelia Sprout´s last post…What to wear

  25. Nanna July 25, 2010 at 4:36 PM #

    Every t’ing be eiry, little one. My Nanna advice: go with as few expectations as you can, be patient with others and with yourself and resolved to enjoy and SOAK IT UP.

  26. Lucretia Pruitt July 25, 2010 at 4:04 PM #

    Does it kinda help to know that I’m feeling nervous about seeing you again? Not because I don’t adore you — but because I’m SO wanting to just hug you BIG time… and I’m kind of afraid that since everyone will want to be doing that, it will get old for you fast. So then I’m kind of sure that I will try to “play it cool and not slobber all over Anissa” and somehow give you the impression that I don’t really care.
    Ack! Now I’m in full-on awkward mode… I don’t know how to be around “the Anissa everyone wants to hug” because in the past, you were just “the Amazing Anissa” – now you’re “Everyone’s Amazing Anissa.”

    Okay – so you set the tone honey. Do you want slobbering, huggy, teary-eyed me? or “ooh good to see you Anissa, how are you holding up?” me?

    We are all a little afraid this year. Not sure why – but it’s a different kind of year.

    ((((((((((hug)))))))))))

    Lucretia Pruitt´s last post…You’re Doing It Right – vol 2

    • cindy w July 25, 2010 at 4:35 PM #

      Yes, that. Exactly what she said.

    • Diana July 26, 2010 at 2:33 PM #

      Yes, yes, yes!!! This. I want the answer to this, too.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:11 PM #

      I want you ANY way I can get you, L.

      Know that it’s all emotional for me too.

      Love. –A

  27. Christy July 25, 2010 at 3:53 PM #

    Oh, Anissa. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so anxious! I can’t say that I blame you. But, from my very selfish perspective, I can’t wait to see you and give you a huge hug. Hope you’re in the mood for some hugging, because I suspect I’m not the only one! You set an incredibly positive tone for me for BlogHer ’09 and if I can help do the same for you this year, let me know. I somehow missed the Aiming Low party announcement, so I’m hoping for a waitlist invite. Otherwise, I’ll be stalking you around the hotel.

    Christy´s last post…Mom’s Movie Night Out – A Review of The Kids Are All Right

  28. Theresa July 25, 2010 at 3:47 PM #

    It’s wonderful that you’ll be back in NY! I had met you at the Aiming Low/HP event and you were so welcoming to my friend and I. Hopefully I’ll be able to see you to say hello and thank you in person for everything!
    @tildatoo

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:09 PM #

      I’m glad I got to meet you the first time around. –A

  29. Nikki July 25, 2010 at 3:45 PM #

    Anissa, I wish that I was cool enough to go to BlogHer this year, if only to meet you. You are such an inspiring person! Everyone there will be lucky to get to meet you and hear you speak. Hopefully I’ll get to go someday when I’m a cool blogger like you!

    Nikki´s last post…Building a computer

  30. Boston Mamas July 25, 2010 at 3:40 PM #

    My dear Anissa, I’ve been a dreadful commenter the last long while but I have been reading and following and sending you lots of good mojo. I’m looking forward to giving you a squeeze in NY and if you need someone to hide behind or chill or calm down with or whatever, I’m there for you. xoxo Christine

    Boston Mamas´s last post…Dear Boston Mamas- Toddler Fun in Boston

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:07 PM #

      You can guess why I’m hiding out in the Serenity Suite! -A

  31. Lee Reyes-Fournier July 25, 2010 at 3:33 PM #

    I know it will be an honor to meet you and your husband. I admire your courage not necessarily to try something new but to express yourself the way you are. As a psychotherapist who writes about relationships I love it when people are vulnerable and are willing to communicate what they are feeling. Your recovery is impressive but what is making the impact is the vulnerability that both you and your husband have shown through this trying time.

    Lee Reyes-Fournier´s last post…Opinions are like…

    • Anissa Mayhew July 26, 2010 at 10:06 PM #

      It means a lot that whether I’m feeling good or bad I know that I can depend on you guys.

      Thanks!!

  32. Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me July 25, 2010 at 3:04 PM #

    Anissa, I look forward to your panel…its one of the few I feel I can relate to. And since I am a first time BH attendee I am scared too. I’m sure once you are there in the bosom of your ‘hood (old friends & new writers) you will feel that confidence re- surge. If not, then you have a new perspective to write from— not that you needed it!

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