days that i wish i didn’t have to be nicer than this

Days like this I wish I had a woobie.

Something soft and cuddly that would take all the bad away.

Bad feelings.  Bad emotions.  Bad moods.

Bad hurts.

Because the hurt is bad tonight.

Some days I’m tired of being a trooper..being a good little fighter.

Some days I just feel like lying down and crying until I throw up.

This is one of those days. And I know it has to get worse before it gets better.  I know it hurts so that it can heal and feel better.

I know all of that.

I KNOW.

It doesn’t mean I have to like it when it hurts so much I yell from the pain.  It doesn’t mean that I have to smile when something is so painful that I cry.

Tonight I’ll just close my eyes and pretend I don’t have to go back.

Tonight I will say all the things I don’t let myself say in front of the kids.

Tonight I’ll wish I had a woobie.

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34 Responses to days that i wish i didn’t have to be nicer than this

  1. Liz July 22, 2010 at 6:11 PM #

    You know, sometimes in airports and grocery stores and shopping malls when I encounter the inevitable 4 year-old having a melt down — just screaming bloody murder in public because she’s stressed or tired or over-stimulated or hungry — I think “wow, that must be nice.” Seriously. To be able to throw a hissy when you need to, because you just have to let off the pressure. Most often that kid isn’t hurting anyone one. He’s not calling names or hitting people or throwing things. He’s annoying up-tight adults, but not hurting anyone. I wonder why that is the prerogative of children and we have to outgrow it. And you know, in the grand scheme of the world, my problems don’t even rate as problems and I want to indulge. So my point is, why not cry until you throw up sometimes? Who does it hurt? People who expect you to be strong and not annoy them with your need to let off steam? They’ll get over it.

  2. Wanda July 21, 2010 at 12:25 PM #

    If you tell me what exactly a woobie looks like I will make you one of your own to hug when you are feeling down, had a bad day or just want to…:) Take care Anissa you are so very strong.

    Wanda´s last post…He Makes Me Proud

  3. Amy July 21, 2010 at 8:40 AM #

    I don’t know you at all but I love you. Thank you for sharing your struggles, triumphs and most of all your heart with us.

    Some days just suck and that’s ok. The next day might be better.

  4. Kari July 21, 2010 at 8:29 AM #

    Am sending a woobie from VA so you can punch the hell out of it and then give it a big hug, because it doesn’t judge what you do to it. It just loves you. But it will probably be covered with cicadas, so just brush those suckers off first.

  5. Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo July 20, 2010 at 8:48 PM #

    This blog is your woobie.

    We are your woobie.

    Cry and rail at the world and we will hold you up.

    Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo´s last post…On the coldest day in YEARS they turn off my gas Motherfuckers

  6. kim @ mommyknows July 20, 2010 at 4:58 PM #

    I wish you had a woobie too! I’m sorry you are in pain.

    I’m thinking good thoughts for you.

    kim @ mommyknows´s last post…Summer So Far …

  7. Susie July 20, 2010 at 4:40 PM #

    May somehow, someway, all our comments be your woobie, Anissa. We all are rooting for you…

  8. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 20, 2010 at 3:29 PM #

    You COULD start sucking your thumb.

    But then you’ll need braces, and that’s a whole other deal you’ll have to worry about, so maybe not.

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last post…You don’t want to read about my heart problems- do you You do I LOVE YOU

  9. Susan (5 Minutes for Mom) July 20, 2010 at 2:20 PM #

    Oh Anissa, I totally cannot imagine.

    As Rachel said, even at your “weakest” you’re stronger than most of us. Definitely a million times stronger than me.

    Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last post…The Bully

  10. Bri July 20, 2010 at 12:34 PM #

    more love from California. I ditto everyone’s sentiments – you are one tough chicka mom but we are all just too human. When you find the right time for a good cry, know that we are all there with you. Now I need to go and Google ‘woobie’ :)

    Bri´s last post…Cuteness Overload

  11. Jess July 20, 2010 at 11:59 AM #

    So sorry. Sending you much love and thinking about you today. Hope today is better.

  12. DivineENVE July 20, 2010 at 11:42 AM #

    Anissa you kick so much GD ass right now YOU will beat this because your family are fighters… survivors… ass kickers. Now GO… FIGHT that pain and frustration with laughter and love. Kill it with kisses from your husband and children… Feel the pain and then keep fighting. We are pulling for you. All of us.

    DivineENVE´s last post…If you dont know what FB stands for in this post- I cant help you

  13. Barnmaven July 20, 2010 at 8:33 AM #

    It can be so hard to find the space to let it all go, especially when you are a mom.

    You’ve been on a long climb and I’m pretty sure you push yourself harder than anyone else could ever push you. Its ok to sit down and let out all the fear, anger and misery. Purging those emotions is healthy.

    Praying for you today.

    Barnmaven´s last post…Being an Us

  14. racheal July 20, 2010 at 8:17 AM #

    Oh Anissa, I wish I had a woobie to give to you. I’m so sorry.

  15. Tim Young July 20, 2010 at 7:37 AM #

    love you!!!

  16. Alicia July 20, 2010 at 2:29 AM #

    Rachel said it so perfectly and simply. But you know I have to add something anyway!

    You are allowed to let yourself cry, scream, and feel sorry for yourself every now and then. It is ok to give yourself a short break every now and then as long as you don’t wallow in it.

    Because guess what sweetie, even though it hurts, at least you can feel the pain. It is so much better than the alternative.

    Alicia´s last post…Back away from the cream cheese

  17. Ivy July 20, 2010 at 2:29 AM #

    Thinking about you friend!

  18. Michelle July 20, 2010 at 12:07 AM #

    Oh, I totally agree with Rachel that you are stronger than anyone I know even if you do lie down and cry until you puke. Also? Who could blame you?

    I totally have a woobie. It’s a bright green, super cozy blankie. You should seriously look into getting one. Never underestimate the comfort a snuggly blankie can provide.

  19. Heidi July 19, 2010 at 11:21 PM #

    Oh, Anissa – go have a good cry and give yourself a break! All that frustration has got to get out somehow! None of us expect you to keep your gameface on all the time; it’s not healthy.
    I do have a “woobie.” He’s a 167 lb English Mastiff/Great Pyrenees. He wouldn’t mind you hugging, crying, and snotting all over him.

  20. Erin July 19, 2010 at 11:13 PM #

    I’ve been sitting here for ages wishing that there was something that I could say, do or be to make it better…

    I know that I can’t though…so just know that I’m sitting here, thinking about you…wishing I had a magic wand that I could wave to make it better…and trying to will hugs, love and comfort to be transmitted through my computer….which I can only imagine would be much easier if I had a stupid magic wand in the first place.

    *hugs*

    Erin´s last post…Its Not Even Halloween

  21. Marie July 19, 2010 at 11:05 PM #

    Have you considered a Snuggie? Actually it was you who got me into Snuggies, you put a photo on your blog and I thought it was a joke but how awesome they would be if they were real. Then I found out they WERE real! It won’t take the hurt away but they sure are cuddly and you can laugh at yourself for owning one. And when you are better, you can wear it to a football match. Snuggies make GREAT woobies.

  22. Janine (@twincident) July 19, 2010 at 10:37 PM #

    I have felt this way recently but for very different reasons. When I hear you say it, it makes mine seem, well, less. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

  23. Twenty Four At Heart July 19, 2010 at 10:29 PM #

    I’m having a day like that too today. Too much pain to handle, tired of fighting for mini-baby steps, tired of all of it. Somedays I can handle the high pain days and somedays … are like today. I’ve never had a woobie, but I think you might be on to something. Maybe a woobie would make the bad days just a little bit easier.
    xoxox

    Twenty Four At Heart´s last post…Dear Facebook- Youre Being an Asshat

  24. Kristin July 19, 2010 at 10:28 PM #

    It sounds like you had a bitch of a day. I’m sorry hon.

    Kristin´s last post…A bit of this- a bit of that

  25. Renee July 19, 2010 at 10:27 PM #

    Reading this made me think about the album (yes album, it is truly oldschool) “Free to be You and Me” There is one song that comes to mind- It’s alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you, it’s alright to cry, it might make you feel better. Get your cry on and get a woobie, you certainly deserve one.

    Renee´s last post…Time Keeps on ticking

  26. Christina July 19, 2010 at 10:27 PM #

    Kendryk would not mind being your woobie! She has had a great day, but me your post sums it up, though for me not physical pain but emotional, I was given a manuel today and that well yeah been one of those days for me. But tomorrow is a new day and it WILL be better!

    Christina´s last post…And there off!

  27. maggie, dammit July 19, 2010 at 10:10 PM #

    I love you. (woobie.)

    maggie, dammit´s last post…The Lemonade Stand In Memory of Chris

  28. Shelley July 19, 2010 at 10:10 PM #

    I am holding you in the Light. (It’s a Quaker thing.)

    Also, saw this and thought of you: http://sharerp.com/fx

    Breathe and be kind to yourself.

    Shelley´s last post…Outta Here

  29. Maria July 19, 2010 at 9:47 PM #

    You NEED a woobie. It’s okay to have one. My woobie is named Ricky the Rice Pack.

    Maria´s last post…Trajectories

  30. Lisa July 19, 2010 at 9:46 PM #

    I wish I had a “woobie” to send you.
    Lisa

  31. Kathy July 19, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    Sounds like a tough day. Hang in there, good thoughts coming from Ohio…

  32. Kelly July 19, 2010 at 9:30 PM #

    Have a good cry. It really helps. When I was feeling my worst, a good, really hard, “I’m almost gonna throw up” cry always helped me to relax and feel more at peace. Sometimes you just have to get it out.

  33. Mandi Bone July 19, 2010 at 9:30 PM #

    First you get a wobbie then next thing you know you are strung out on comforters and duvets.

    Mandi Bone´s last post…Why I showed my boobies

  34. Rachel ~ Southern Fairytale July 19, 2010 at 9:29 PM #

    I can’t imagine.

    Anissa, even at your “weakest” you’re stronger than most people I know.

    You’re a bad-ass-rocker-chick who defies odds, inspires and brings it.

    LOVE you

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