i hope this makes sense, but then, why start now?

I’ve been very lucky that I’m well enough to take a few of the offers to speak that I’ve/we’ve been offered.  But there has also been an alarming amount of speaking gigs that have been, “WHO??

There has been a feeling of being offered things JUST because I’m the flavor of the month. I’m this month’s handicap.  I think that people would like to see what has happened to me.

How much I’ve changed.

Ok, that is crazy-ego-centric.

I realize that.

And maybe no one cares about the changes in my physicality.

But after the crazy media hoopla that went on around me while I was in the hospital, it’s hard to pretend that people in this internet world aren’t aware.  Tens of thousands of people were checking to see how I was doing, if I was still alive or if I had finally kicked the bucket.

That bucket never got kicked.

Then in the days afterwards there was a hum of waiting and wondering.

I sure as heck don’t blame anyone.  Everyone was told to expect the worst.

Little by little, you guys have been there as I fought to come back. First, it was cards.  Then, it was encouragement by messages on the posts that my husband would write. Now it’s the little bits of miracle you chose to leave here in the form of comments and emails.

For every person who is true and honest in your push and your encouragement, there is one who wants something FROM me.  Something I no longer have to give.  Something I can’t identify.

But they want it.

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47 Responses to i hope this makes sense, but then, why start now?

  1. Kristafied July 8, 2010 at 9:24 PM #

    I heard about your stroke through Heather Spohr’s blog, and since then have been lurking and following your progress. You and I are the same age, but you have survived so much… All I want for you is a good recovery so that you can enjoy your life and your family. You’ve come so far already – the improvement in your writing is amazing. Hang in there; accept the speaking arrangements that will add joy to your life. The others aren’t worth worrying about.

  2. Meg July 8, 2010 at 10:36 AM #

    Another mostly lurking / non-blogging / rarely commenting type of fan here! I can’t remember where I found your blog. I think it was right before your stroke. ..I have a 4 year old daughter so maybe I found your Peyton site first? Oh no… it was Shauna the Vagina blogger. THAT’s it…I found you there. Not with Shauna’s vagina but at the site!

    I spit on the vultures on your behalf. I’ve always hated how birds legs hang when they fly. Especially at the beach. (now you know why I don’t blog)

    Keep fighting!

    Meg

  3. Kathy Ruscoe July 7, 2010 at 10:23 PM #

    I read…but don’t comment. I don’t have a blog.

    I am amazed by your strength. My mother had a massive stroke when she was 32. She had 4 kids at home between the ages of 2 and 10 (I was 10). I guess that reading your blog gives me a litte bit of insight into what she went through. You’re both amazing. Keep fighting!

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 10:33 PM #

      Just because you don’t have a blog doesn’t mean you can’t leave the best comments. I hope that whatever I do, i honor the hard work that your mom had to do.

      • Kathy Ruscoe July 10, 2010 at 6:34 PM #

        Thank you, Anissa. My mom doesn’t talk about her stroke and her fight very often. The most that I have heard her say is that she just knew that she couldn’t die because she had four kids at home. She was clinically dead…paralyzed on her left side…couldn’t talk. You would never know it today.

        You’ll get there!

  4. Liza July 7, 2010 at 11:22 AM #

    Everyday I read your updates. Everyday I tell myself I can do it because of your inspiration. You are an amazing lady. An unbelievable amazing lady. You certainly did not deserve what happened to you, but if anyone can surpass the cards they have been handed….it is you. Anissa one amazing lady.

  5. Angi July 7, 2010 at 10:22 AM #

    Most of us, here, just want your strength to fight, your will to live, your sense of humor to carry you through and your stark honesty that brings us back. Anissa the body was broken and is healing…but the real people are here, reading, because of Anissa the words, spirit and voice….and she’s as honest, open and funny as she’s always been. Anyone who isn’t here for that can #suckit.

    Love you.

  6. Cort July 7, 2010 at 8:25 AM #

    You have quite the story to tell – many of us out here just bitch about piddly little day to day shit, but you’re a fighter. You are a strong person with a solid family. You’ve been through more than anyone should…I hear Lifetime’s tv movie department buzzing! People are interested in your story – your triumph – not a changed physicality.

    If you’re ready to give – give. If not, don’t. Simple.

    “No” means “No” :)
    .-= Cort´s last blog ..lotion versus gel – a much needed clarification =-.

    • Peter Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 4:31 PM #

      Would it be wrong to want Denzel to play me?

      • Nanccy November 25, 2012 at 12:55 AM #

        we went to the show in detroit last night was amnzaig! but we were so sad that marco and melanie did not do the famous kiss dance i got you . my daughter was so sad kept asking when it was coming up next. does anyone know why? please come back to toledo for the show next year .we were late to the show last night because of the standing traffic at least a hour and a half that was terrible!!!! it did seem a little rushed last night .please look at the past few years on tour they were fabulous!!! maybe someone should go back to that.

  7. Melisa with one S July 7, 2010 at 7:03 AM #

    In the range of “Anissa and I know each other well” to “Anissa and I have never met”, I’m in the middle but closer to the “don’t know each other” end: though I’ve been reading you since Peyton, and we used to chat a bit on Facebook (especially about that pharmacist who once asked you which nail salon you worked for: that still makes me guffaw), and I met you last year in Chicago (you hugged me. remember? No, not HER. ME. haha)…there are so many who know you know much better. I’ve commented on and off, but more “on” lately because I feel like you need some tangible support and gosh darn it, I really like you. I was scared when you had your stroke(s). Not as scared as, say, one of your family members or close friends because I was just reading about it and not experiencing what they were up close, but experiencing being in your presence before made me worried that this world was going to lose the greatness of Anissa. And now I am happy that, though the physical form of the greatness of Anissa may be a little bit impaired, the spirit/essence is still TOTALLY THERE. And I rejoice for that.

    You’re not a sideshow. You’re an inspiration to so many. And I’m glad you’re still on this earth.

    I just hope that, if I get to push through the crowds of well-wishers at Blogher to give you a big kiss (on the mouth, of course), you’ll know that it’s because I’m one of the good ones who cares deeply. Consider yourself warned.
    .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..Fast- =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 10:35 PM #

      I consider you a very special friend, M. VERY special.

      • Melisa with one S July 7, 2010 at 10:54 PM #

        So is that a green light for the full-on mouth kiss? Just checking.
        .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..Fast- =-.

  8. tracey July 7, 2010 at 6:34 AM #

    Just sending an honest well-wish and hopes that your requests are honored.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..A Recap- if you will =-.

  9. birchsprite July 7, 2010 at 5:22 AM #

    Hello! I am/was a lurker. I’ve been watching from a distance since your stroke and have been inspired by your determination and progress. Having lost people from strokes…you have been a reassurance and a bright light in helping the fear go away. I am in awe of your progress and just wanted to say thankyou for continuing to be open and honest about your journey and the trials and tribulations that go along with it. I think you are a fantastic woman and I hope you keep on writing… and don’t mind too much if I carry on lurking and loving your words!

  10. Dawn July 7, 2010 at 4:55 AM #

    Firstly let me say “Sorry” for becoming a lurker recently and not commenting much. Quite simply I’ve taken on a second job in the last month and it’s just a time problem. And I’m sure you don’t miss me – you have such a great web of support around the world lately – but I’m still cheering you on from my side of the Atlantic.

    This is an awful problem to have. For me the worst part would be thinking about having to get up there and talk in front of any group of people. You’d have to cut my balls off before I’d think of doing that (if I had any in the first place!). So kudos to you for thinking about doing it in the first place. Just go with your gut instinct. You know the ones you feel comfortable with. And you know you’re gonna wow, touch (not literally!), inspire and amaze whoever you speak to just with your sheer awsomeness.

    And by the way, maybe I’m just a bit cut off over here, but I really didn’t realise you had a whole media scrumage thing going on while you were in hospital. To me you’re just the same sassy Anissa I’ve always loved. Mwah xxx. Enough. That’s all you’re getting!!

  11. Adventures In Babywearing July 7, 2010 at 2:03 AM #

    Oh, that’s not ok. But I think it’s super good you know exactly what they are up to. And you know exactly the intentions of your [true] friends…

    steph
    .-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Filling =-.

  12. Christina July 7, 2010 at 1:09 AM #

    I sent you our update hoping it would give you the strength you gave us! I feel for you though I shut down last summer and put my all into my kids I did get sick of some people(not you) the people who don’t *get* it in my books I had to let go. It hurt but I did it they still don’t get it but hey at least they aint dragging me down.
    Now I must go chase kids back into bed….
    .-= Christina´s last blog ..Frustration =-.

  13. Alicia aka. Fate's Mistress July 7, 2010 at 12:27 AM #

    So what I am getting from this is that you are under the impression some people want to use you as their own personal entertainment, like you are some kind of circus act. I like to think of it a different way. They all just want to be near to and experience the miracle and awesomeness that is Anissa. Like maybe, just maybe, if they hear you speak or see you at an event, that they might be lucky enough to have even a tenth of the strength, determination, and love that you have going on. Kinda like rubbing the belly of Buddha.

    Buddha belly….so smooth…*goes into a trance*
    .-= Alicia aka. Fate’s Mistress´s last blog ..Learning to Accept Help =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 2:05 PM #

      *rubbing the belly* sssooooooo smoootthhhhhhh

  14. Colleen July 6, 2010 at 11:20 PM #

    Please stop putting yourself down. You are not the disability of the month. I didn’t know you before, and I only know you now because of what you write, so I can’t judge you by what you can do, how you look or if you are a superwoman able to leap tall buildings. I just know the smart, witty, loving mom from what you write. I see how strong you are, how much you have endured and how much you want to return to the other you, the one I never knew. There is nothing wrong with who you are, you are just different. Sure, I wish you could do more because it would mean an easier life for you, bit it means nothing to me. I like you exactly the way you are and I cheer every accomplishment you achieve. I will always be a huge fan and it is because of who you are AFTER you had a stroke – I don’t know you any other way.

  15. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 6, 2010 at 11:18 PM #

    I’m happy to be a giver. There’s no way I’d ever ask of anything in return.

    Except maybe a boob flash.
    .-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Calling all personal shoppers Your mission has arrived =-.

  16. Sharon Heg July 6, 2010 at 11:04 PM #

    If it makes you feel any better…I’ve been reading your blog since Peyton was in treatment – just found it as a link of someone else’s and I loved your writing style so I stuck around. I’ve always been a lurker. ALWAYS. When you had your stroke, I chimed in a few times because Peter seemed to sound like he needed the encouragement and, well, I’m a Home Health OT so I had a few words of (so-called) wisdom, experience and advice here and there.

    Now that you’re writing again, I’m pretty much back to lurking…not because I don’t “admire you in your inspiration and ability to be the handicapped flavor of the month”. Knowing what you came through and are still going through, I am thrilled that you’re alive, home and probably more functional than any doctors back in November thought you would ever be. But just as I told Peter, as much as I feel as if I “know” you and your family from your writings, I don’t know y’all from a hole in the wall and it’d be a little stalker-scary to suddenly start writing a whole lot to you now. So…the crisis is over, you’re writing again and my job is to read, sit in the corner and quietly lurk. It’s the “normal” between you and I and as an added bonus, it’s not even a “new normal” ;-)
    .-= Sharon Heg´s last blog ..Mea Culpa =-.

  17. Barnmaven July 6, 2010 at 10:38 PM #

    I think its the natural downside of notoriety/fame/sensation. There are people out there who just feed off of it, feel entitled to a piece of what it is you have. Except if they had it they wouldn’t even recognize it – or even really want it. They’re missing some essential piece of themselves, they keep seeking it, and wherever the light shines brightest they somehow believe that’s where the missing piece lies, so they flock to it. And you? You shine bright. BRIGHT.
    .-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..The Less I Know =-.

  18. Rena Lawrence July 6, 2010 at 10:34 PM #

    Anissa…

    I don’t know you…but I think you’re awesome. But I have the overwhelming urge to call you a Douche Canoe. I blame The Bloggess.

    Just wanted you to know. Douche Canoe.

    –Rena

    • Melisa with one S July 7, 2010 at 6:51 AM #

      *snort!*
      .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..Fast- =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 2:03 PM #

      Dude, thanks to Jenny (the Bloggess) that’s just PART of my new vocab

  19. Fairly Odd Mother July 6, 2010 at 10:28 PM #

    Sigh. I’m sorry that even has to be part of your life. Can’t we all line up next to you and kick those f**kers in the shins?
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Say cheese =-.

  20. Kristin July 6, 2010 at 10:24 PM #

    If you are teh flavor of the month, can it please be Godiva’s Raspberry Chocolate Truffle ice cream? It’s almost as good as sex (at least I thought it was almost as good as sex while I was pregnant).

    Screw the ass clowns who are only out to get something. But, you know what? They are screwing themselves because they are missing out on knowing the real Anissa.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..Happy 4th- =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 2:01 PM #

      Ass Clowns!!! LOL!!

  21. Emily July 6, 2010 at 10:13 PM #

    vulture: a person or thing that preys, esp. greedily or unscrupulously
    supporter: an adherent, follower, backer, or advocate

    Definitions from: http://dictionary.reference.com

    Vultures may be clever and unnerving, but they are no match for your web of support! Dontcha let them convince you otherwise….or they might find a 300 pound power wheelchair on their toes!

  22. Scala July 6, 2010 at 9:56 PM #

    As others have said, F-those grabbers. Do what you want and feel no need to justify yourself to the blogosphere. Your story has inspired me, and has changed my outlook on “normal” things– so thank you. My guess is that for each positive comment you get, there are at least 10 lukers that are silently cheering you on. I was/am one of them. Keep fighting for yourself and your family.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 2:00 PM #

      No matter what, I have to remember that my family comes first. Thanks for that.

  23. Kellee July 6, 2010 at 9:54 PM #

    Screw them. The rest of us are just cheering for you in the background.
    .-= Kellee´s last blog ..Done With Hibernation =-.

  24. Janine (@twincident) July 6, 2010 at 9:43 PM #

    OK, and here’s me seeing the good in everyone.
    Could those people who you feel want something from you, maybe just a slice of the hope your story offers?

    It’s like people wanting to touch those who them believe see and talk to God.
    Maybe deep down they are thinking you are some conduit to God or you hold some secret to survival?

    Not that you are a flavor, but you are the real deal, and they want to be close to that, to touch it and be “touched by” it, to learn from it, to find some healing for a part of them that still doubts?

    Bet you didn’t know I could get all crazy like that, did you?
    Deep thoughts by Janine.
    Look for the podcast coming soon.

  25. Mumby July 6, 2010 at 9:40 PM #

    There may be vultures, but you’re also being asked because you’re hilarious, charming, honest and ridiculously strong! Go for it if it feels right. You have the ability to help and inspire!

  26. Molly July 6, 2010 at 9:32 PM #

    Want me to pop em one in the nuts? I will. I love you Anissa. My cleavage loves you. and It’s a FF cup. So that’s a LOT of love.

  27. Lisa July 6, 2010 at 9:03 PM #

    There are always vultures, circling, waiting to take advantage, waiting to dive in.

    I hope those vultures aren’t too much trouble for you, that they don’t bring you down. Those of us who really care will still be here when the dust settles and you are no longer the flavor of the month :)
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Moving With a Toddler =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 1:56 PM #

      Sometimes it’s enough to know that there are people who still care.

  28. Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me July 6, 2010 at 9:01 PM #

    I’m sorry so many people want a piece of you, that must be tough. You don’t know me from a hole in the ground, but I think I can safely say that I would love to hear you speak publicly. Not because I am vulture-esque, but because I didn’t know you when you were big bad social media Anissa…I know you as vulnerable Anissa. I like to meet and hear speakers who I can relate to.
    .-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..Good Morning- Youre Fired- =-.

  29. Amy July 6, 2010 at 8:57 PM #

    BOOBS!

    XOXO,
    Amy
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Awesome seats- =-.

  30. LinMarie July 6, 2010 at 8:47 PM #

    Hi Anissa! I am an outsider who isn’t involved in the whole blog world and all that goes on there. I read them here and there but nothing serious. I don’t recall how I found your story but I just wanted to share the impact you’ve had on me. I have followed your journey from the beggining and seeing the strength and courage you have has really showed me that nothing can stand in your way if you fight! I don’t know why i’m even sharing this but just figured you’d like to know that even people that don’t know you well, are praying for you!! Your awesome! :)

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 1:55 PM #

      It means a lot to know that even non-bloggers care and are praying. I don’t know why you shared either, but I’m glad you did.

  31. Melinda July 6, 2010 at 8:34 PM #

    Accept the ones you feel close to/want to do. And, yeah, screw the vultures.

    Ben and Jerry’s or Eddy’s?

  32. mommabird2345 July 6, 2010 at 8:32 PM #

    I heart you Anissa! The only thing I want from you is for you to keep writing. Big Hugs. :)

  33. Tiffany July 6, 2010 at 8:28 PM #

    Fuck those vultures, baby!

    But I have to ask….if you’re the flavor of the month, what flavor is that? ;-)

    • Anissa Mayhew July 7, 2010 at 9:32 AM #

      Cherry Garcia all the way!! Thank you

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