Impatient is a word that most people don’t dream about

It feels like something more should be happening.

I go to massage therapy twice a week to try to make things that aren’t working…work.

I do all the exercises that the therapists have shown me.

I make the sounds, I form the expressions, I push on every crevice on my face.

Progress remains slow and….always too slow.

I have dreams about the parts of my body taking giant leaps forward. I have to be satisfied with the work I can do, and the tiny, baby steps that I’m taking.

I actually dreamed about something more.  I dreamed about the muscles of my face letting loose and my mouth being normal.  Again. I dreamed that I woke up and I threw both legs over the side of the bed. Then I got up and walked to the bathroom like I used to.  Used to.  I dreamed of throwing a baseball.  There was a sand lot where I had taken my kids and we just tossed the ball around. Over and over.  Laughing.

Dreams.

I always dream.

I dream of the day that I can walk with assurance. When my arm and hand work with total confidence.  There will be a time that I’ll smile with no self-awareness issues.

Until then I’ll take my baby steps of progress.

Small as they may be.

They ARE progress.

I take what I can get.

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19 Responses to Impatient is a word that most people don’t dream about

  1. Cheryl July 31, 2010 at 9:42 PM #

    Having a child with CP, I understand what it’s like to be wishing for giant leaps when only baby steps occur. I still have days where I WISH there would be giant leaps, but most days I am SO proud of the baby steps. Practicing to brush her own hair- bonus for me. Lots of love, Anissa, you will make giant leaps, you just have to see the baby steps first.

    Cheryl´s last post…IfYouReallyKnewMe

  2. Molly July 31, 2010 at 8:42 AM #

    I admired you long before you had this stroke. I’m so proud of every little bit of progress! I wish I could speed things up for you. Can’t wait to give you a big hug next week! You were the one who told me I had to blog and 10 months later, here I am, going to blogher! Love you!

  3. Liz July 30, 2010 at 7:37 PM #

    I went to highschool with a girl who was born with spina bifida and used a wheel chair. She told me once that she had never had a dream about herself in which she couldn’t walk. She had never walked a step in her life, but in her dreams she never needed a wheel chair. I don’t know what it means, but her story has always stuck with me. Maybe dreams are about what our spirit wants and can do, regardless of our body’s limitations. But I do believe you’re going to get there. I’m still rooting for you.

  4. Melinda July 28, 2010 at 3:34 PM #

    *huggles and snuggles and extra cuddles*

  5. Elizabeth Kaylene July 28, 2010 at 1:08 PM #

    You’re right; they are steps, and no matter how small, it’s still progress. You’re doing great and you will get there. I think that your positivity and your commitment are the biggest factors, and I know that someday, you will throw that ball around again.

    Hugs and love.

    Elizabeth Kaylene´s last post…To the cat who thinks he is king

  6. Colleen July 28, 2010 at 12:04 PM #

    Wish I could do it all for you, I would if I could.

    Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything; That’s how the light gets in

    Leonard Cohen and it’s one of my favorites.

  7. Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) July 28, 2010 at 11:01 AM #

    Thank you for sharing this struggle with us. You are a STRONG woman and this journey is an inspiration. You have so many behind you Lady.

    Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things)´s last post…How do you pursue your Spouse

  8. Melisa with one s July 28, 2010 at 6:40 AM #

    I can’t imagine how hard it must be. But keep thinking about how far you’ve come already. You’ll get there!

    I wish that the love of your friends could make this happen for you, because you certainly have so many people behind you! But all we can do is stand by and cheer you on, so… GO ANISSA!

    Melisa with one s´s last post…Tin Roof! Rusted

  9. Desera July 28, 2010 at 6:32 AM #

    I love your baby steps! Keep working hard, it will come! You got this! ♥

  10. Adventures In Babywearing July 28, 2010 at 5:50 AM #

    I’m so glad you have those dreams. :)

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing´s last post…life inspired

  11. Kristin July 28, 2010 at 1:18 AM #

    Dreams are good because they give you something to strive for. I just wish these dreams would come true for you a bit faster.

    Kristin´s last post…Perfect Moment Monday- Sisterhood

  12. Angella July 28, 2010 at 1:17 AM #

    You know that I pray for you every day, right? If not, then you do now.

    You are a living miracle, Anissa. I thought we had lost you but God smirked in my face.

    See you next week, lovely friend. xoxo

    Angella´s last post…Being A Tourist In My Hometown

  13. 3 Stinky Boys and Me July 27, 2010 at 11:46 PM #

    I really believe in your dreams. They will come true. They. Will. And I can’t wait to read about the day and days they do.

    xo

  14. Lucretia Pruitt July 27, 2010 at 11:22 PM #

    Every so often? I just take a moment and inventory what works right – and am thankful about it.
    Especially when I get frustrated that something doesn’t work like it used to. If my hand starts shaking or my arms hurt so badly I want to scream.
    Then I catalog what is good today – I can walk today (that’s so good… I remember how frustrating it is every time I sprain an ankle or end up on crutches), I can type today (seriously, some days my wrists warn me that I won’t be able to do this for to many years.)

    I love your attitude Anissa: it is progress. Progress is still ‘getting better’ not just ‘staving off the worsening.’

    Hang in there lady – it’s a long haul yet – but you’ll get there!!

    Lucretia Pruitt´s last post…You’re Doing It Right – vol 2

  15. muskrat July 27, 2010 at 11:13 PM #

    Normally, I say “patience is for pussy boys,” but in this scenario, I think it’s a necessary evil. Hang in there and enjoy the slow improvements as they continue to happen!

  16. kara July 27, 2010 at 10:58 PM #

    They say you appreciate the things you work for. But how frustrating sometimes! Love and hugs.

  17. Mama Kat July 27, 2010 at 10:56 PM #

    You’ll get there mama! I can’t even imagine what you’re going through…but you’re so loved…you will win this battle.

  18. Lori Vann July 27, 2010 at 10:48 PM #

    I am so excited for those baby steps. I cannot wait to come home and see those baby steps.

    Baby steps are celebrated, no matter what age or stage of life they come at.

    love you!

    Lori Vann´s last post…Post it Note Tuesday- Things to miss

  19. Rachel ~ Southern Fairytale July 27, 2010 at 10:43 PM #

    Anissa.

    Love. That is all. I have so much love and so many prayers all for you.

    Rachel ~ Southern Fairytale´s last post…Chocolate Mint Cookies

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