just in case you thought i was into blinding agony

I was on this phone call and the voices made me smile.  They took away the grumpy, moody shadow I’ve been living under and reminded me that if I wanted to be unhappy I could be.  I had that power myself.

So I chose to do away with the negativity that has been trying to creep in.  I decided that only I could make myself miserable.

And then there are the parts that don’t want to try anymore because of pain.

The parts that wimp out.

I know tomorrow is going to hurt to the point of tears.  It has each time.

This doctor pushes harder and wants more than I have had to give. This is the first time I have come away from therapy in tears that aren’t from cognitive tests.  This doctor makes me curse in ways that are totally real.

It hurts.

Bad.

More than any therapy has hurt before.

It is going to work.

I’m sure of it.

Something inside me keeps holding onto that belief.

It’s going to work.

If I didn’t believe it, there wouldn’t be a purpose for so much pain.

IT.IS.GOING.TO.WORK.

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25 Responses to just in case you thought i was into blinding agony

  1. Kevin July 26, 2010 at 3:55 PM #

    You have made amazing progress already. Every time you write about another milestone, another movement, another Jaw “snap”, I’m amazed beyond belief at how far you’ve come in, really, such a short period of time!

    If you ask me, it’s not that this treatment WILL work, it’s that this treatment IS WORKING.

    Keep up the good work!

    Kevin´s last post…Sunday- Sunday

  2. Susie July 23, 2010 at 8:24 PM #

    “Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.”
    -Henry Thoreau

    Now go kick a*s tomorrow, Anissa!

  3. Jessica (@It's my life...) July 23, 2010 at 5:12 PM #

    It will work. Your PT isn’t torturing you for the fun of it. If he’s pushing you THAT hard it’s because he sees that you ARE going to benefit from this. (Unless it’s because you stole his lunch. You didn’t, right?)
    If we could take some of the pain away we would. I really, really wish we could.

    Jessica (@It’s my life…)´s last post…A string of cousins

  4. Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) July 23, 2010 at 5:00 PM #

    it IS working girl and it will continue to work – and your doc better watch out. you might take Angie’s advice. ;)

    Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last post…Easy Goodies to Make with Kids

  5. Julie Presley July 23, 2010 at 8:46 AM #

    I have so much on my heart for you right now, but it’s all jumbled and emotional, and I’m not sure you want all THAT here on your blog :) Suffice it to say that I’m praying for you! :)

  6. Melisa with one S July 23, 2010 at 7:59 AM #

    IT’S GOING TO WORK!! I know it.

    Melisa with one S´s last post…Going to Blogher10 Meet Some of My Friends!

  7. Jess July 23, 2010 at 1:30 AM #

    Am I allowed to state simply, Hells. Yes!?!

    You’re rather endearing with all of this positivity, even when you talk of the negativity and how it consumes you. I’d kiss you on the face. That’s for damn sure. :)

    Keep on keepin’ on Anissa!

  8. pgoodness July 23, 2010 at 12:08 AM #

    Of course it will. Of Course. :)

  9. Colleen July 23, 2010 at 12:05 AM #

    YES.IT.IS., INDEED. Remember, pain is weakness leaving the body, repeat that over and over during your session.

  10. Adventures In Babywearing July 22, 2010 at 11:43 PM #

    Because you are you, I know this is going to work and I LOVE it that you do, too. Just proves the point.

    I love to hear it. I don’t want you in pain, tho. But you are awesome.

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing´s last post…It might be me

  11. Erin July 22, 2010 at 11:25 PM #

    What’s that unfortuante saying? …no pain…no gain?

    As much as it sucks….just think…with a whole lotta pain…that’s GOTTA mean a whole lotta gain!

    You can only go up from here…and I’m sitting behind my screen watching you reach for the stars with all the confidence that you not only will you reach them, but you will OWN those bitches.

    Goodluck tomorrow :)

    Erin´s last post…Its Not Even Halloween

  12. Audrey July 22, 2010 at 11:21 PM #

    Hells yes it is. And then you’re going to use that arm to give Mr. Dr.’s butt a good hard pinch.

  13. Danielle Smith July 22, 2010 at 11:18 PM #

    In such awe of you…… you amaze me every single day. AMAZE.
    Thinking of you, friend – cheering you on.

    xoxo

    Danielle Smith´s last post…Talk Live Vlogging Tips- Don’t make a script

  14. Cindi July 22, 2010 at 11:09 PM #

    You rock girl. You inspire me and make me laugh every day. No pain no gain. Fight through it. You are one person I know will perservere!

  15. Melinda July 22, 2010 at 11:03 PM #

    *gets out her sparkly pompoms*

    It will work. It will work.

    Goooooo Anissa!

    *jumps and waves pompoms*

  16. Alicia July 22, 2010 at 10:42 PM #

    You bet it will! And guess what else. Since you are the one going through it, you get to curse and yell all you want to! Tell that doc EXACTLY how you feel! And record it for me :P

    Alicia´s last post…Back away from the cream cheese

  17. Cindy July 22, 2010 at 10:38 PM #

    I just said a little prayer for you. You can do this! You really do move mountains.

  18. mamie July 22, 2010 at 10:28 PM #

    yep…it is going to work. it is going to work.
    and a little glad to hear it is a doc and not your therapist taking you through this.

  19. T_Lee July 22, 2010 at 10:06 PM #

    It IS going to work!! GO ANISSA!

  20. melissa July 22, 2010 at 10:04 PM #

    Yes. It. Will!!

  21. ViolinMama July 22, 2010 at 9:59 PM #

    You are WOMAN!! We hear you ROAR!!!

    Bless you girl…you will put us all to shame. You GOT this!!!

    Much love!

    ViolinMama´s last post…Small Successes and Thankful Thursday – Getting Sick Edition

  22. VDog July 22, 2010 at 9:45 PM #

    Love you babe. Miss you.

    YOU ARE ANISSA FREAKING MAYHEW.

    YOU CAN DOOOOO EEEETTT!!!!!

    VDog´s last post…Sparkle party in my pants by @misstejota

  23. Catch the Kids July 22, 2010 at 9:39 PM #

    Hot Damn Yeah! That pain is gonna produce results! Wish I could think of a way to help you cope…

  24. Laurie July 22, 2010 at 9:33 PM #

    You are brave. You are strong. You’ve got this!

  25. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 22, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    It will work.

    Then you can junk-punch the doctor.

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