looking at old pictures of myself reminds me that i need my roots done

It’s hard to look at old pictures of myself.  It feels like a world away.

It can feel like a different person.

That woman didn’t have to wonder about whether her smile looks ok. She had both legs working beautifully.  Having two hands on the camera was a thoughtless reality, not a goal.

I look at these pictures.  I see the smiles of the times I used to have. I see a time when I thought all my dreams were possible and I felt unstoppable.

I was stoppable. A hospital bed stopped me.  A wheelchair has tried.

I look at the pictures and feel as though it isn’t real.

THIS can’t be me. THIS wasn’t the plan I had.  THIS isn’t what people will ever expect to see.

This isn’t the end.

This can’t be all that is possible.

I have to believe that it can be changed and different.  That my dreams are still possible.  I’m still unstoppable.

That this will happen again.

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25 Responses to looking at old pictures of myself reminds me that i need my roots done

  1. Beka Anardi July 11, 2010 at 3:45 PM #

    A friend sent me your blog as she thought I could relate to you, and based on this post alone I know that I can. You have said exactly what I feel. I was paralyzed due to a tumor, not a stroke, and I do have to believe that this can’t be it for us. There has to be more to this story.

    Beka Anardi´s last post…Summer Fun

    • Anissa Mayhew July 11, 2010 at 8:14 PM #

      I’m not glad anything happened to you, but I’m glad that if it did I’m able to so something. Even just for a moment in the day. You’re always welcome here, and you’re always welcome to write if you want.

  2. alimartell July 8, 2010 at 5:18 PM #

    UM. WOMAN. You are unstoppable. I have seen it. Many times.

    I cannot wait until you are back behind that camera shooting away. It’s coming. I know it.
    .-= alimartell´s last blog ..Stepford Road Trip Anyone =-.

  3. Kari July 7, 2010 at 10:27 AM #

    WOW!!! The inner YOU…the unquenchable fire in your SPIRIT…that’s what is inspiring ~ it’s one step, one minute at a time. I pray God continues to fill your spirit and your heart with HOPE…even on the bad days, keep looking UP to Him!! We are rooting for you, Anissa!!!! :D
    .-= Kari´s last blog ..Field Day =-.

  4. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] July 6, 2010 at 11:20 PM #

    We will go and take that picture again, but we’ll make it bigger and better and even more Awesome.
    .-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Calling all personal shoppers Your mission has arrived =-.

  5. Lucretia Pruitt (geekmommy) July 6, 2010 at 9:54 PM #

    Babe – there are so many of us who are *thrilled* that you are around with your not-always-perfect-smile and wonky bits… Because the part that shines through in those pictures to us? Is the same indomitable spirit that shines through every time you take to the keyboard.
    Love you sister.
    I want one of those hugs you’re promising Monica too!! :)
    .-= Lucretia Pruitt (geekmommy)´s last blog ..Oversharing Undersharing What Are You Doing =-.

  6. Jessica July 6, 2010 at 6:39 PM #

    Is it weird to die and then come back to life? I have imagine it is CRAZY. And aside from the fact that you are temporarily disabled (yep, it’s temporary – you know, just a long temporary) you’ve had the most life altering experience a person can have. Dodging death. One of the comments said that God has plans for you. Yes, I’m sure he does AND your readers have huge plans for you. We’re going to read your blog every day and we’re going to watch you grow and change. I adore you and your writing.

  7. Elizabeth July 6, 2010 at 3:20 PM #

    New follower here – but I’ve been digging back through the archives, and I must say that you WILL get there again. You’re a fighter and even though you got knocked down… the count has barely begun – You will beat this!
    Just one of the many reasons that your blog inspires me, and prompted me to offer the “A Blog with Substance” award. Stop by the site to grab it!
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..A Blog with Substance or I got an AWARD- =-.

  8. Michelle Poteet July 6, 2010 at 10:03 AM #

    You are an inspiration! You are unstoppable and have been proving that to all of us! Keep going girl! Those dreams are within your reach!!

  9. Melisa with one S July 6, 2010 at 6:57 AM #

    You can do it! With our faith in you plus your faith in yourself, how could your dreams NOT happen?
    .-= Melisa with one S´s last blog ..Fast- =-.

  10. Kristin July 6, 2010 at 12:13 AM #

    You can do it Anissa! You’ve already kicked mucho ass on your way back. I believe you can do it.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..Happy 4th- =-.

  11. Kristi Dorson July 5, 2010 at 8:25 PM #

    Sing along with me now! “Don’t stop… BELIEVIN’… HOLD ON TO THAT FEEE LAAYY YAANG!”

    Fall seven times, get up eight.

    I believe in you.
    .-= Kristi Dorson´s last blog ..Seuss Area At Islands Of Adventure =-.

    • kat July 5, 2010 at 9:08 PM #

      Best comment ever.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 6, 2010 at 4:07 PM #

      I’m seriously wishing I had video-comments.

      Like, NOW.

  12. Fairly Odd Mother July 5, 2010 at 6:10 PM #

    Thinking of you so much. It’s not the end, just a new path. So glad you are still with us and prepared to show us how far you can come.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Say cheese =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 6, 2010 at 4:05 PM #

      I missed you too much to give up.

  13. Angella July 5, 2010 at 4:29 PM #

    I believe in you, lady!
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..There’s A Hole In My Heart =-.

    • Anissa Mayhew July 6, 2010 at 4:04 PM #

      Some days it feels stronger than others, but I believe too.

  14. lucille July 5, 2010 at 3:01 PM #

    I believe it will happen!! You touch so many people so it only makes sense that God has BIG plans for you. Stay strong!!

  15. Melinda July 5, 2010 at 2:59 PM #

    Sweetie, it doesn’t matter if your smile is perfect, or any of that. What matters to us is you are home. You are making progress. Plus, you are still you on in the inside – and THAT is what matters most. *hugs*

    • Anissa Mayhew July 6, 2010 at 4:02 PM #

      I’ve sure never stopped being “me”, hopefully others will understand too.

  16. Desera July 5, 2010 at 2:05 PM #

    You will get there! I’m sure of it!

  17. Monica~MommyBrain July 5, 2010 at 2:04 PM #

    Anissa…

    You’ve made so much progress already… I have faith that you will one day again be running around like nothing ever happened… I truly believe that!!!

    • Anissa Mayhew July 6, 2010 at 4:14 PM #

      One day, you owe me a hug! I believe THAT!

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