wherever you are, you’re not there

I used to try to get out of the bed.

When I was in the nursing home, I learned there were very different rules in there.

And I tried to get out of bed back when I had a feeding tube, they made me wear a diaper, and I laid in a bed most of the day.

I wanted out.

My family visited and made the best choices they could.  But it didn’t stop me from ending up on the floor, night after night, in weak attempts to find my way home.

Laying on the floor, in the dark, waiting on someone to come help me, I would look out the door.

The door.




Some days I remember the way I felt when I stared at that door. I can’t believe that I’m really home.

People forget how lucky they are.

Because somewhere someone is looking at a door and wishing they were somewhere else.

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27 Responses to wherever you are, you’re not there

  1. BecZhang July 31, 2010 at 10:18 PM #

    I am so glad that you crashed my pity party. I really needed that reality check. I am so glad you are home with your family. Your determination is amazing.

  2. Suebob July 31, 2010 at 8:41 PM #

    I was once hospitalized for six weeks and was fully conscious the whole time. The loss of freedom was so awful, even though everyone was lovely to me – brought me good food, visited, etc.

    I have sympathy for imprisoned people. When others say “They only got a 1-year sentence,” I feel differently. A year of loss of freedom is horrible.

    Suebob´s last post…Dear Suebob

  3. nakedjen July 31, 2010 at 2:08 PM #

    thank you. again. for reminding me just how very lucky i am and that there are lots of doors that i can still open. xox

    nakedjen´s last post…Gazpacho just for Emily Gilmore

  4. Sarah Feakes July 31, 2010 at 1:35 PM #

    Thank you!

  5. Jamie July 31, 2010 at 1:05 PM #

    You’re right. I’m crazy lucky. <3 Thanks for the reminder.

  6. Melinda July 31, 2010 at 9:56 AM #

    As so many others have already said, this is such a timely post. My 2yo woke me up by poking me in the eye, then she spilled half my coffee by grabbing my arm and pulling on it.

    I was feeling a bit grumpy. Now, I’ll take that 2yo’s attention and like it!

    *smoochies and hugs*

  7. Sunnie in NC July 31, 2010 at 8:37 AM #

    Thanks for this post—-just the kick in the ass I needed this morning.
    Sunnie in NC

  8. Paula July 31, 2010 at 8:24 AM #

    Thanks for the wake up call. Suddenly my problems don’t seem so bad. So glad you are staring at a familiar door these days.

  9. Gemini-Girl July 31, 2010 at 7:57 AM #

    Beautiful post… I am so glad you can finally write about it… love you lady!

  10. Melisa with one s July 31, 2010 at 12:08 AM #

    Oh my goodness, that really makes a person think.

    Great post. And I’m sorry you spent so many nights on the floor. :( Super glad you’re home now, though!

    Melisa with one s´s last post…Hitting A Wall Really Hurts

  11. Lynn @ Walking With Scissors July 31, 2010 at 12:01 AM #

    That was beautiful, and just what I needed to hear. Thank you!

    Lynn @ Walking With Scissors´s last post…10 Years

  12. Hamlet's Mistress July 30, 2010 at 11:56 PM #

    I feel this way every day at work. Or I would if i could see the door. But, I can’t from my cubicle cell. I have the laying on the floor part down, though. By the end of the day I’m in the fetal position under my desk.

    All joking aside I’m really glad you’re home. :)

    Hamlet’s Mistress´s last post…I Don’t Cook

  13. jb July 30, 2010 at 11:32 PM #

    you know, I was feeling shitty (and this is my second try at posting, apologies if both come up) and your post really hit me – it was a tough day but sitting here typing with 10 fingers, on my couch, in my house, well – its ok. thanks for the reminder. it came at the right moment.

  14. always home and uncool July 30, 2010 at 11:28 PM #

    Welcome home. We are glad you’re here with us again. Peace …

  15. kim/hormone-colored days July 30, 2010 at 11:28 PM #

    When is your book coming out? :-)

    kim/hormone-colored days´s last post…Im Not Going to BlogHer10

  16. colleen July 30, 2010 at 11:21 PM #

    When I was little, the floor was security, don’t know why but I always felt safe on the floor. Maybe because there is no place to go but up!

  17. Wanda July 30, 2010 at 10:50 PM #

    How true Anissa. I’m glad you aren’t staring at that door anymore and that you are home with your family where you belong…:)

    Wanda´s last post…Working It Out

  18. Erin July 30, 2010 at 10:41 PM #

    Thanks for (yet again) reminding me to stop and take a look around at all of the things that I’m so thankful for….that I often take for granted.

    Sometimes I really need a good slap in the face reminder…and these perfectly articulated posts just say exactly what needs to be said. Or slapped. Both of which you seem to be good at.

    PS – If I ever meet you and you decide that I actually DO need a REAL slap in the face reminder…please remember that I’m a lot like a peach. I bruise easy….and I’m a often a little bit fuzzy…but that’s usually ’cause I was far too lazy to shave my legs. ANYWHO – another story for another rambly blog comment in the future (Betcha can’t wait for THAT one…lmao) as I should be asleep because I have to wake up for work in 5 hours. Gross.

    Perhaps I’ll go have one last look at the stars, the beautiful corn fields and the majestic view from my front step before brushing my teeth… :)

    Erin´s last post…Whaaat!

  19. Laurita Olmstead July 30, 2010 at 10:30 PM #

    Sometimes you make me cry. Because as an adult I have never not known what it was to not be able to walk when I wanted to. But as a child, just like I shared with you, I knew where you were coming from. Just keep believing that someday God is going to send you walking.

  20. Traci July 30, 2010 at 10:25 PM #

    Good post :) You were always determined, you have a special fire within you girl!

  21. Dave2 July 30, 2010 at 10:09 PM #

    Sometimes I think that I never feel at home no matter where I go. I keep opening doors, however.

  22. Karen July 30, 2010 at 10:03 PM #

    I’m so glad you escaped ;)

    Though with you.. I can’t see another reality. Inconceivable!

    I know I’m lucky. But… my brain holds me hostage. I want out. And I can’t FIND the door… Kind of a cruel joke really.

    Karen´s last post…Freefall

  23. Julie Presley July 30, 2010 at 10:01 PM #

    I would LOVE to hear some of the experiences from your perspective. We never knew about this one! (well, ok, I didn’t!) You really ended up on the floor? Wow. I kind of don’t know what to say except… will Sandra Oh play you in the movie?

  24. Lisa July 30, 2010 at 9:48 PM #

    Beautiful post. So glad you are home. I can’t imagine how that must have felt to stare at that door.

    Lisa´s last post…My Little Fashionista

  25. Somedayphd July 30, 2010 at 9:48 PM #

    Did you get a bed-alarm? I ended up with one for my bed and my wheel chair.


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