making a deal i can keep

It’s not very often that someone will ask a question and I know the answer to it.

I’m usually asking the kids answers to questions about square roots and wind velocity.

But I happen to know this inside out.

Sort of depressing, but I do know it.

Peyton’s cancer.

She’s finished her second year post-treatment and is just about to start her third year without it.

And now someone wants to know if it has changed how I feel about my own recovery.

“Please! Anything! If she can be healthy, I’ll take anything.”

I remember the prayer.

Over and over.

I said that prayer.

I begged anything to see my baby girl be OK.

So now that she has long hair and she is kicking butt in the first grade, the possibility is there to forget the promise.

Then I have a stroke.

And another.

And I end up in a wheelchair.

Anything.

That’s what I said.

That’s what I meant.

And if I never got any better I made that deal in my heart.

Now, I don’t believe God will necessarily go an eye for an eye.

But I watch my baby girl run in the driveway and won’t push any buttons.

I’ve earned my handicap.

To me, my daughter is worth it.

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32 Responses to making a deal i can keep

  1. Kevin September 2, 2010 at 2:51 AM #

    That is a lovely sentement, and if that’s far as it ever goes, that will be perfectly lovely. Fortunately though, I do not believe God works that way. And I think your own recovery is the proof.

    Sometimes bad things happen. Who knows why? The fact that Peyton recovered, though, is proof of God’s love and grace. It was because you prayed for it. You asked for it and you believed it would happen.

    Look how far you’ve come in less than a year. Because Pete believed and your kids believed and hundreds, if not thousands of people on the Internet believed and eventually, because you believed.

    Bad things happen and we can’t explain then away, but the proof of God’s love and mercy lies in the miracles that are your’s and your child’s recoveries from these personal tragedies.

    I, for one, believe there will be a day, in the not evenly terribly distant future when you will be back to your old self, physically and mentally fully restored and amazing the world with an incredible story to tell, and I can’t wait to see it!

    Kevin´s last post…Speechless

  2. Kristel August 31, 2010 at 9:20 PM #

    As heartbreaking as this is I think it’s also one of the most beautiful things in the world to think that a mother’s love… a mother’s prayer… can save her child, no matter what the cost. And what a wonderful way to think… that out of the worst possible situation comes the most wonderful. You amaze me, little lady. You really and truly do. *hugs*

    Kristel´s last post…Smooth Sailing

  3. Jessica August 30, 2010 at 3:19 PM #

    ThePeachy1 just made me cry. Precisely. I know, Anissa, that you know God didn’t hand cancer to your daughter and he didn’t hand a stroke to you. But the juxtaposition of her recovery from her illness and the horror of the stroke(s) you survived has to be noted. And you have to make sense out of it. And I understand how you got to the meaning that you got to. If you had only one wish it would be for your children to be healthy, whole, and full of love – even at that cost of your own future. I get it. And ThePeach1 and Lloyd, you just summed up motherhood.

  4. Holly at Tropic of Mom August 30, 2010 at 1:38 AM #

    I don’t really know what to say, but just the thought of all this makes me sad and I don’t think things really work that way…. thinking of you….

    Holly at Tropic of Mom´s last post…First day

  5. Lorrian August 30, 2010 at 1:22 AM #

    Anissa, you take my breath away with this post. The world is so much better with you STILL in it. Thank you for continuing to share yourself with us.

  6. Kristin August 30, 2010 at 12:48 AM #

    Oh Anissa…and, this is what makes you such a wonderful mommy.

    Kristin´s last post…Point to Ponder

  7. Two Makes Four August 29, 2010 at 8:17 PM #

    That one hit hard. Those are some intense thoughts, girl.

    Two Makes Four´s last post…I’m a Stress Eater

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 7:09 AM #

      You’d do the same kind of thing in my shoes. Trust me.

  8. mommabird2345 August 29, 2010 at 1:27 PM #

    This touched my heart. *HUGS*

  9. Mama Bub August 29, 2010 at 12:12 PM #

    Oh, I would make that deal too. I would make it a million times. It just breaks my heart that you had to make good on your deal.

  10. Adventures In Babywearing August 29, 2010 at 2:40 AM #

    Oh I understand this soooo much.

    Too much.

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing´s last post…On my hair- on being a minimalist- and there is a whole lot on my mind

  11. Alexandra August 29, 2010 at 12:17 AM #

    I’ve been lurking for over a year. Never commented b/c my comments would never be as clever as the ones your friends leave here.

    But this…this broke my heart in so many different ways.

    Yes, I”d make that deal, too…over and over again, I’d still make that deal.

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 7:08 AM #

      I never want you to think I judge comment on “most awesome comment of the day”. Ever. I’m just glad you did comment and took the time to read.

      And I’m glad you get it.

  12. Chris August 28, 2010 at 11:27 PM #

    You my friend are fucking awesome!!! Keep on keeping on!
    Seriously, you are truly here for a reason. I am a believer. God doesn’t do an eye for and eye. Shit just happens and sometimes life truly does suck. BUT, and a big one. You will be ok, we will all will that for you and your lil one is 3 years cancer free. Keep making us laugh, that is your job. Never met you and love you already!

  13. michele August 28, 2010 at 9:13 PM #

    You are awesome!

  14. kate August 28, 2010 at 9:11 PM #

    I totally agree with Heather – I am SUCH a lurker, but wanted you to feel my/our presence. It’s crazy how much you inspire me – seeing as though we’ve never met. Prayers in your direction – and virtual hugs, too!

    kate´s last post…9 Months

  15. Heather August 28, 2010 at 8:17 PM #

    Wow. Beautiful. Spoken like a true mother.

    BTW, I am commenting on this entry more to make my statement as a member of Who-ville than because this entry moved me any more than the others. All your entries are amazing.

    But I have been a lurker and I want to say “We are here! We are here! We are here!” Just as the Whos in Who-ville did…..

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 7:05 AM #

      LOL! I heaaaaar you!

  16. charmingbitch August 28, 2010 at 7:54 PM #

    Oh honey, no. No, no, no, no, no.

    Look at the number of parents with ill, terminally ill children and those with permanent conditions that will never improve. Saying your strokes are in trade for your daughter’s health is saying those other parents who made the same plea (anything God, anything, just get my child through) either didn’t mean it or didn’t ask enough times.

    Much like when people say their child recovered because God loved them so much or they were prayed for so hard. For that to be true then that means God didn’t love my child, that Jackson didn’t have enough prayers to save him.

    Her cancer and your strokes are two sides of a very shitty coin but one has nothing to do with the other except for putting a very heavy load on one single family.

    Your handicap was no more earned than my son’s death was deserved.

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 7:04 AM #

      I never in a million years meant to imply that you didn’t love your son enough.

      I am so sorry if that came out that way. SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY

  17. C @ Kid Things August 28, 2010 at 6:29 PM #

    This was beautiful and amazing. As are you and your love for your kids. I’m not really sure what I believe, exactly, but I don’t think God goes eye for an eye, either. Though the world works in very mysterious ways.

    C @ Kid Things´s last post…What About the Pencils

  18. Hamlet's Mistress August 28, 2010 at 5:48 PM #

    I don’t want you to feel that way. I don’t think God works that way. I don’t think you have been faced with what you’re being faced with because you prayed for Peyton to be ok. She just IS. And you will be, too, but that’s a slippery slope to go down if you truly believe she is healthy because you are now handicapped. I feel confident you will make a full recovery and I don’t think it’s going to be because someone else is making a deal with God. I think you are awesome and I think God is good… all the time.
    HM

    Hamlet’s Mistress´s last post…I’d just really like to meet him

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 6:57 AM #

      I don’t believe it’s everyone’s little deal with God. I don’t believe God will take his due. But I can’t say she isn’t worth everything I have ever had and will have. It gives this handicap EXTRA meaning to be for something rather than for no reason at all.

      You dig?

  19. Melia August 28, 2010 at 5:01 PM #

    You ARE an inspiration. To so many people that you may not even know :) Blessings to you, your daughter and your entire family.

  20. Kelly August 28, 2010 at 5:00 PM #

    Wow……amazed and humbled. You are a phenominal mother!!

  21. Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me August 28, 2010 at 4:55 PM #

    I made that deal too. His part keeps getting harder, but mine not so much. Well no that’s not true. Mine is even harder..I get to watch him and wonder how much he can take. I’m so glad Peyton is better, and I firmly believe you will be too. xoxo

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last post…How Much Do You Love Your Hospital

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 6:50 AM #

      I think so too. But it help to know that you believe too.

  22. Darryle August 28, 2010 at 4:49 PM #

    You are a constant inspiration. Having dealt with things most of us can’t imagine, your heart and character have developed depths most of us can’t even fathom. You continue to amaze.

    Darryle´s last post…Emotional Education

  23. Grumble Girl August 28, 2010 at 4:46 PM #

    I’m not a believer, but I don’t think God would go an eye for en eye either. Still, the health and safety of our children? We’d do anything, bet anything, walk any walk, sit in any chair… I know.

    I’m so freaking happy you’re here, babe. And your baby girl is over the moon.

    xox

    Grumble Girl´s last post…First Grade

  24. ThePeachy1 August 28, 2010 at 4:29 PM #

    around Thanksgiving I was crying here at my house. I screamed to my family we need a miracle. We just need a MIRACLE.. Lloyd took my hand and said, you know honey, if she stands in front of God and asks for a miracle it won’t be for her. Lloyd was right.. but here you are.

    • Anissa Mayhew August 30, 2010 at 6:47 AM #

      Don’t make me love Lloyd even more. That’s not fair!

  25. Jen August 28, 2010 at 4:28 PM #

    Oh, my heart….. It fluttered and sank at the exact same moment.

    Jen´s last post…Winding Down

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