this is the where i bang my head against the wall


I’m knee-deep in it.

I have these ideas.

I explained it to someone as being the point in time when I work on scraps of paper.

It’s hard to describe.

Difficult to define.

I want to draw a picture.  It looks like soup.  Thhhhhhat’s not right.

So I’m stuck trying to make others see my dream through written words.

Which are limited to one hand.

The wrong one.

And my spoken words.

From a voice that doesn’t always sound right.

Well, never RIGHT.

But, not even decent.

So, this is frustration.

When my brain works, but nothing else will meet it the rest of the way.

I feel like my words are betraying me.

Written and spoken.


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14 Responses to this is the where i bang my head against the wall

  1. Kat C September 1, 2010 at 8:26 PM #

    when you write about your frustrations, you so clearly illustrate to me what my son who has Autism feels when he is trying to tell us what he wants, what he needs. He doesn’t have a lot of words, and he works so hard to communicate with us. It is our job to make sure we not only listen but we truly hear. Not just for Max, but for you Anissa. Thank you for shedding light on my son’s world. Sending super positive vibes your way.

  2. Chrisor (ynotkissme) September 1, 2010 at 6:53 PM #

    Your posts give all your readers a glimpse into the everyday struggle of regaining parts of yourself after a stroke. Unless we’ve experienced it firsthand, we can’t begin to know the level of your frustration. It is completely normal to be impatient with your limitations. No matter what accomplishment you’ve made that day, you’ll always see what you can’t do yet. You need to celebrate each small thing for what it is and the rest will come in time. Seeing how far you’ve come and following along on your journey since Nov., you’re a reminder to all of us not to take anything for granted. Especially not flushing the toilet! :-) Much love and continued success in your recovery. *Hugs*

  3. Susie September 1, 2010 at 3:03 AM #

    Your writing is so extraordinary, Anissa! I am here listening.
    I had a glimpse of frustration when my mom had her stroke. I will always remember a booklet that a friend’s father-in-law wrote who was a stroke victim. I was reading the booklet to my mom one night as she laid in bed and the words were: “Some days I feel like a car and all four tires have lost all their air all at once”. The look on my mom’s face was complete understanding. She said that was exactly how she felt and she never knew when all her “tires” would blow, and that was frustrating beyond words.

    I tell you again, Anissa. One day, all of Pete’s and your writings will materialize in a best-selling book. It will bring hope and strength to millions of people. We’re all rooting for you! Now go get tomorrow…

  4. BlondeBlogger September 1, 2010 at 12:52 AM #

    I wish there was something I could say or do to ease the frustration. I just know that, frustrated or not, you are still such an inspiration to me!

  5. Kristin August 31, 2010 at 11:46 PM #

    I know I’m not there, feeling what you’re feeling, but, to me, your words are amazingly articulate and paint a vivid picture.

    Kristin´s last post…SniffSniff my baby is growing up

  6. ingrid August 31, 2010 at 8:47 PM #


    ingrid´s last post…the new season of the character project

  7. Another Hot Mess August 31, 2010 at 8:24 PM #

    I am so sorry that you are frustrated. I wish I could take the frustration away or make things better for you. I have said it before, I will say it again – this has been your best writing. Not because you had a stroke, but because it is stripped down, no bullshit, unadulterated you. And if I haven’t mentioned it before, I lourves you. I know that someday soon you are going to look at this post and the frustration you are feeling will be a distant memory, but for now, I am so sorry that you are feeling it. xoxo

    Another Hot Mess´s last post…Because Good Help is Hard to Find

  8. Scala August 31, 2010 at 6:27 PM #

    Ditto to what others have said– you’re clearly communicating your feelings. And right now, you’re frustrated. We’re here listening, rooting for you, and sending hugs. Bottom line- keep communicating.

  9. Catherine August 31, 2010 at 5:21 PM #

    You expressed more with one hand than many of us can with two. We are all rooting for you.

  10. Kim August 31, 2010 at 5:09 PM #

    XOXO. You’ll get there. And we’ll be waiting. : )

  11. Hamlet's Mistress August 31, 2010 at 5:05 PM #

    Some days must feel like an absolute prison. Imprisoned by your own body. But we’re all here and we’re all listening and we’re all rooting for you. We can’t know what you’re going through. We can only be here, listening ears for your triumphs and your frustrations. And we are. You may be having trouble getting your message across… but you’re not going unheard. You are awesome. Even on the bad days… especially on the bad days.


    Hamlet’s Mistress´s last post…Response cached until Tue 31 @ 23:01 GMT (Refreshes in 60 Minutes)

  12. Molly August 31, 2010 at 4:59 PM #

    Well in less than 125 words you articulated what most cannot in 1,250. But I know that probably doesn’t help.

    And I am sorry.

  13. Carrie August 31, 2010 at 4:56 PM #

    You may be frustrated…but you articulate frustration better than anyone else could using 2 hands.

    Hugs to you. You are, and always will be, an inspiration.

  14. BusyDad August 31, 2010 at 4:56 PM #

    Roger roger. Coming through loud and clear.

    BusyDad´s last post…Leo Burnett will regret or heartily applaud not hiring me

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