today is different

Face down on a padded table.

Relaxing for some.

Relaxing for the half that works right.

Excruciating for everything else.

Painful beyond belief.

Teeth-gritting, muscle-tightening, crying-out pain.

I’ve never cried.

In all that I’ve had to do, all that they have done to me.

I have never cried.

I have take minutes to pull myself back together.

From the little, tiny pieces I shed from my beneath my eyelids.

All for a little movement.

I will do whatever it takes.

But today for a few minutes, it borders on too much.

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20 Responses to today is different

  1. ThePeachy1 August 18, 2010 at 8:33 PM #

    Anissa. I want to make sure you are STILL hearing this EVERY DAY. Because it is YOU. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AphKUK8twg

  2. mommabird2345 August 18, 2010 at 7:47 PM #

    ***HUGS***

  3. Susie August 18, 2010 at 6:58 PM #

    Anissa, your writing pulls at my heart strings. Seconds ago, I just wrote this quote on a friend’s blog: “Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try our best.” -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

    I have no doubt that you–in your daily struggles–are doing your absolute kick-ass best! I know the journey is tortuous for movement (my mom had a stroke), but I also am learning who YOU are, Anissa. I’ve kept score so far: Anissa: 1,000,000; stroke: 0. Effort and heart matter! We are all here rooting you on–even from 3000 miles away (like me).

  4. Heather August 18, 2010 at 4:09 PM #

    I can’t even imagine – hang in there!

  5. Jessica August 18, 2010 at 3:40 PM #

    I just hate to hear about this pain. I’m trying to twist in my head for a positive spin but I just don’t want you to hurt anymore. Ever again. You personally have had too much damn pain in your life. That’s all I have to say. And I wish we had a better way to help people who survive strokes recover from them.

  6. alicia August 18, 2010 at 11:18 AM #

    <3

  7. TJ August 18, 2010 at 9:26 AM #

    When I used to get PT for my busted, surgically repaired leg, the therapist would have me lay on my stomach on the table, he’d climb on top of me (he was hot, this could’ve been so much more stimulating if not for the next part), grab my ankle and lay on my calf to make my foot touch my ass. HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER. I would instantly be covered in sweat and burst into tears- it hurt so fricking bad (he was no longer sexually attractive to me at this point). I hated the tears so I’d hide my face in my towel. Except then I couldn’t breathe. Sometimes, it hurt so bad I really thought I would hurl. Ugh. After many, many repeats of that, I now walk almost like I used to. Don’t give up, cry if you have to- screw it! While he did that to me I used to stare at my crutches and dream of whacking the hell out of him with one. Focusing on happy thoughts just didn’t work for me, but try to find something to wrap a thought around while they work you. Know that some of us understand why you hate it and we’re right there with you in spirit. Just hang on. I’ll push extra hard when I do my leg work maybe it’ll send a little energy your way.

  8. Desera August 18, 2010 at 6:28 AM #

    You are so strong! Keep fighting! XOXO

  9. Liz August 18, 2010 at 1:35 AM #

    Pain sucks and is boring!

    All rehab should be in hot tubs!

    I recommend Icy Hot patches afterwards and a heated mattress pad.

    Liz´s last post…Hanging out in India Basin

  10. Twenty Four At Heart August 18, 2010 at 1:07 AM #

    I’m so sorry.
    And you know I completely, completely, understand.

    Twenty Four At Heart´s last post…The Statement Bracelet – A Giveaway!

  11. Shelley Clements August 18, 2010 at 12:57 AM #

    LOVE to you! I copy what everyone else has said…

  12. Susan @ Sassafrassery August 17, 2010 at 10:20 PM #

    You. Are. Strong.

  13. Kristin August 17, 2010 at 10:01 PM #

    I am so sorry it is so excruciating…but, damn woman, I am truly impressed at your drive to get better. I’ve been through physical therapy but never on the level you are dealing with and I know what a bitch it can be. If I lived close enough, I would be your own cheerleading squad for these torture sessions. {{{Hugs}}}

    Kristin´s last post…Perfect Moment Monday- a blast from the past

  14. Erin August 17, 2010 at 9:53 PM #

    I wish that there was something I could do or say to make it better..

    Alas, all I can do is send you copious amounts of virtual love, strength and all of that other mushy stuff. And maybe a side of virtual vodka. I hear it’s good stuff.

    All of this pain, it may seem to only give you the gift of a little movement..but as it goes on…seems to add up to more and more progress..and hopefully (sooner rather than later) less and less pain..*hugs*

    Erin´s last post…Whats My Age Again

  15. Secret Agent Mama // Mishi August 17, 2010 at 9:51 PM #

    Love you, Niss.. Keep pushing.

    Secret Agent Mama // Mishi´s last post…The Story of BlogHer Part II

  16. Rachel ~ Southern Fairytale August 17, 2010 at 9:47 PM #

    Yes 10000 times to everything that HockeyManDad said. He just got here first.

    You, are amazing. the pain is progress.
    You are a bad ass beesh and I’m so beyond proud of you. There isn’t a word for the emotion I feel. It’s giant and huge and sparkly and glowing and purple and red and shiny.

  17. Hockeymandad August 17, 2010 at 9:39 PM #

    This is good. Pushing yourself makes progress and you are one hell of a fighter. I am proud of you. Know what you are striving for is NOT impossible. I have witnessed it with my own eyes. You WILL get there, and when you do all the pain you feel today will melt into oblivion. Hugs to you for fighting the fight.

    Hockeymandad´s last post…Get Your Nerd On

  18. Melissa August 17, 2010 at 9:17 PM #

    ((hugs)) – good news is, if it hurts, you can FEEL it baby!

  19. Caroline August 17, 2010 at 9:05 PM #

    Love, support, peace, love, support, peace, love, support, peace. Repeat.

    Caroline´s last post…BlogHer Part two- Questions and Answers

  20. Kim August 17, 2010 at 8:54 PM #

    XOXO my friend. Luv u.

    Kim´s last post…Friendships- Families and Fractures

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