sometimes

I cried tonight.

My girls circled me with concern because they aren’t used to Mommy’s tears.

My husband was more worried because he was.

I’d been using a balance ball to exercise.  With Peter helping me by giving me directions. Things to do to stretch my muscles.  Ways to move the unmovable.

Suddenly, it felt like too much.

I felt it starting to shake.

The pain.

I made the transfer back to my wheelchair.  Then, the weeping started.

I felt weak.

I felt broken.

I felt less.

I knew I was stronger than I was months ago.  There wasn’t a limit to how often I could work.  I set my own goals as something to be broken.

But as the tears I couldn’t feel rolled down a numb cheek, I acknowledged that it feels like too much sometimes.

This was that sometime.

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19 Responses to sometimes

  1. little big October 2, 2010 at 3:51 PM #

    It takes a lot of courage to keep going.

    Ever rooting for you.

    little big´s last post…Thirft Store Score- Mini Heart Bowl

  2. Liz October 1, 2010 at 7:29 PM #

    Yeah I feel you. Too much is too much!!!

    Stubborn fierce people gotta give at some point.

    The weird thing is looking back afterwards and thinking “Oh… I was actually super tough, that time it was too much and I gave the hell up and cried.”

    Liz´s last post…New degree program in Entrepreneurial Journalism

  3. ThePeachy1 October 1, 2010 at 1:38 PM #

    Mommy, your eyes are leaking. That must mean you were full. It’s good to let it out sometimes.

  4. Melinda October 1, 2010 at 12:11 PM #

    It’s better to let it out than to keep it all in. I agree with Nancy, tears are good for the soul.

    *huggles and snuggles*

  5. Miss Grace October 1, 2010 at 11:36 AM #

    Just sending you love and support ‘Nissa.

    Miss Grace´s last post…Perspective

  6. Dawn Tucker October 1, 2010 at 3:29 AM #

    Totally agree with Susie below. I’m praying it all feels much better for you today. xx

  7. Susie September 30, 2010 at 10:17 PM #

    Anissa, you’re human! We all have our moments of being overwhelmed. I personally believe it takes a whole lot of strength to cry. It’s nothing more than you being authentic with your real feelings at that moment.

    You’re on a long journey, but what I love about you is you just don’t quit. Your strength, resilience and perseverance is who you truly are. Cry as many tears as you need to regain your focus. We’re all rooting for you. Now go get tomorrow, lady!

  8. Jamie September 30, 2010 at 8:24 PM #

    You’re allowed to cry when it gets too hard. <3 I cry at least once a week because I'm overwhelmed. I think it's cathartic.

  9. Dumblond September 30, 2010 at 6:56 PM #

    I cry when my bean grinder freezes up or when I can’t beat a certain boss in the latest video game I’m obsessed with…I think you are entitled to cry. Even if it’s often…

  10. Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas] September 30, 2010 at 6:30 PM #

    Tears cleanse the soul, Anissa. Sometimes we need to have good cry to wash away the crap. You’ve earned it.

    Stick with it. We believe in you.

  11. Whitney Sip September 30, 2010 at 4:09 PM #

    Girlfriend, I love you.

  12. Sharon Heg September 30, 2010 at 4:00 PM #

    Crying is normal and healthy, especially this far out. Besides the frustration, anger and physical pain you have to go through sometimes, you’re still actively mourning the way things used to be. Tough cookie or no tough cookie, if you didn’t cry sometimes, you’d probably explode or something. And you KNOW where the explosion would happen.

    Your boobs.

    Sharon Heg´s last post…Papa Helps Me

  13. Becky September 30, 2010 at 2:48 PM #

    I think crying is good for you. It’s good to let out these frustrations and then keep on working towards your goal. You are strong, Anissa! And you inspire me daily!

  14. Lisa September 30, 2010 at 2:45 PM #

    Cry whenever you need to, it’s okay. Sometimes it will feel like too much, but the next day you’ll feel ready to take on the world again. You are strong and amazing, you can do this.

    Lisa´s last post…Using An Ovulation Predictor Kit

  15. Kristine (Mommy Needs Therapy) September 30, 2010 at 2:37 PM #

    I know our situations don’t really compare, but I do know that when I reach my “too much” point trying to parent and advocate and not go bat shit crazy over Noah, it’s amazing how something positive (a good day, a new understanding of why he behaves the way he does, a new therapist that “fits”) comes along just when I need it to. If I didn’t have those deep feelings of being overwhelmed and thinking it is never going to get better, I don’t think I would appreciate and feel the joy as much when we do get through it.

    And sometimes just blogging about it and having a place to vent and knowing people care helps.

    So here is my virtual ***HUG*** and a hope for something positive soon.

    And maybe I can offer a small bit of hope from all the reading I have done on the brain the last several months. Sometimes you have to plateau for a while before you see an improvement. Something about other parts of the brain reorganizing during that time. You don’t know it’s happening, but it is, and then BAM, something improves.

    Kristine (Mommy Needs Therapy)´s last post…Thank you Maam- may I have another

  16. Mandy September 30, 2010 at 2:35 PM #

    You get to cry if you need to. But keep at it. You’re doing great.

  17. Kristin September 30, 2010 at 2:35 PM #

    You are entitles to have moments lie that. Sometimes, letting the feelings out gets rid of them faster than trying to control them. {{{Hugs}}}

    Kristin´s last post…Winner Winner Winner!

  18. LisaUnfiltered September 30, 2010 at 2:27 PM #

    OK… WOW! How easily I can relate that to my walk with God, my daily life, my relationships with friends and family, my fitness goals.

    I’m not comparing my struggles with yours by any means, but you just very nicely, put into words how everyone struggles with their own personal battles.

    Keep going! I believe in you Anissa!

    LisaUnfiltered´s last post…The one for my friend Anna

  19. Molly September 30, 2010 at 2:26 PM #

    I am so sorry. It’s totally fair to have those “this is too much” moments. Because they somehow make the other moments better, sweeter, more important.

    Molly´s last post…Losing Yourself

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