the power of jealousy

This might come out the wrong way, and I’ll try to make you understand.

I’m jealous of my friends.

I have these friends that started something new and I’m totally eaten alive with jealousy.

I’m not jealous of their success. They so deserve it.

I’m not jealous of their accomplishments.  There are none smarter, they are where they are for a reason.

I’m not jealous of their new direction.  It’s not really new if you knew them.

I’m green with envy.

I ache with it.

I feel consumed by the jealousy.

Just knowing they can.

THAT I envy.

Knowing it’s their time without therapy, doctors or hospitals.

THAT I envy.

The idea that they be can filled with innovation and act on it without hesitation.

THAT I envy.

I hold on to the idea that it’ll be my time someday.  It’ll be my turn.

It’s part of what I work towards.

That envy sometimes fuels me when I feel like there’s nothing left.

Sometime, leaving the envy become part of the end goal.

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I wrote a post today for Women On The Fence.  You can read it here.

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15 Responses to the power of jealousy

  1. jessica September 23, 2010 at 12:08 PM #

    I would never even begin to put myself in your shoes but I do get what you are going through. Running was always a passion of mine. I did it for 28 yrs and then one day I was told, “no more”. I cried like a baby. PPl thought I was nuts but it was something that was so important to me and to be told that my body could no longer handle it was hard to hear. To this day, I see ppl running in the streets and I feel so jealous. I see my daughter run and jump and I think, “why can’t I? or “If I could just do it one more time.”. But I can’t. You are an incredibly powerful, strong woman who is here b/c she empowers all of us to keep striving towards our goals and I for one thank you for it.

  2. lorrie September 22, 2010 at 10:52 PM #

    We, my friend, are going to fix this.

    lorrie´s last post…Just Another Corny Cliched Love Letter

  3. Coal Miner's Granddaughter September 22, 2010 at 9:53 PM #

    And what you’re feeling? Is natural. Because I’m jealous about 99% of the time when it comes to others. What makes me not worry is that I know, every now and then, someone may be jealous of me. And that makes me snicker. :)

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last post…A Long Time Ago

  4. Rachel ~ A Southern Fairytale September 22, 2010 at 8:13 PM #

    Aw ‘nissa.

    I get it. completely. I may not be going through what you’re going through/gone through.. but, I totally. 100% understand.

    love you lady.

  5. Susie September 21, 2010 at 3:21 PM #

    Well, if anything, Anissa, you just proved you’re human! We all have these times in our lives. But the fact that you let that envy drive you is what’s important. Now go get tomorrow lady…

  6. Tricia @Nightowlmama September 21, 2010 at 10:29 AM #

    I can relate on a small level, it’s been a while since I came by good to see you on the go. You’ve come a long way in your journey and will receive your rewards all in due time Blessings. The blogisphere would be a better place if more people hadyour attitude

    Tricia @Nightowlmama´s last post…Cat In the Hat Knows A Lot about That- Wings and Things Dvd Giveaway

  7. Jen September 21, 2010 at 12:18 AM #

    I know exactly what you mean. And with a really great attitude like yours, you will surely have “your time” in no time. Don’t be too hard on yourself there are people out there (cough-me-cough) who often whine about “why me” instead of getting out there and pushing for the best.

    Wishing you the best.

    Jen´s last post…Scoliosis And A One Year Old

  8. Kristin September 20, 2010 at 11:45 PM #

    Don’t you hate feeling envy when it’s over something you can’t just change right then and there? I know I felt green with envy and jealousy when I was going through all my losses and I had friends having babies. It sounds to me like you are using this envy to drive yourself to work harder and that is good. You’ll make it Anissa.

    Kristin´s last post…Winner of the Die-Cut Business Cards

  9. Christy September 20, 2010 at 11:05 PM #

    Says she with the Aiming Low and Top 50 Twitter Moms buttons in her sidebar! ;) I haven’t been where you are, but I can certainly see why you’re frustrated (and jealous!). You may be flying lower than you’d like right now, but you’re still flying. A lot of people are just standing on the ground watching you go by.

    Christy´s last post…Can Someone Please Get Me a Coke One Perfect Moment – Following Polly

  10. Colleen September 20, 2010 at 10:53 PM #

    You have three beautiful, MAJOR accomplishments and a true miracle under your belt. I bet there are people out there who are green with envy. :)

  11. ann's rants September 20, 2010 at 10:15 PM #

    I’m all too familiar with jealousy and envy. Interestingly, I’ve realized it’s usually a sign that I’m burnt out.

  12. Aunt Baaa September 20, 2010 at 9:31 PM #

    Wow. This came at such a perfect time. I have been eating myself alive with jealousy and envy. I have toyed with the idea of giving up blogging because of it. I am having a terrible time with my lack of success when I look at other people’s successes in the blogging world.

    Thank you for making me see that the real accomplishment is doing at all.

  13. Lori Vann September 20, 2010 at 9:27 PM #

    Like Tiffany, i think there are always moments we are filled with jealousy….

    that’s when we pick ourselves up, and move on – knowing that it’s not always greener on their side of the fence. Love you! XXOO

    Lori Vann´s last post…Monday musings…

  14. Maria September 20, 2010 at 9:23 PM #

    Even in a world and life without complications, it does no good to compare successes or situations. (I say that as somebody currently filled with angst and jealousy over lots of stuff in this community.)

    Everyone has individual talents and plans and paths. It is only ever counteractive to look at someone else’s road while you’re driving. Keep your focus on what you want to achieve and not what others are achieving around you.

    I hope you find peace with this. Envy is a horrible, horrible feeling.

    Maria´s last post…Walla Walla Rhubarb

  15. Tiffany @MomNom September 20, 2010 at 9:17 PM #

    I think we all experience some form of jealousy at one time or another in our lives. And you are absolutely right that you WILL have your time too. And, letting that fuel you is the best decision you can make…XOXO

    Tiffany @MomNom´s last post…Enjoying the Last Few Sips of Summer

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