now I wait

I lay my side and a needle jabs in and out of my flesh.

My jaws had already been punctured by the needles.

My arm proved it wasn’t totally numb by the shattering pain at each needle poke.

I tried to remember the monthly visits to the oncologist when I would lay on my my baby girl while they stuck a needle in her back.

She got better drugs.

But she was two years old.

I could do this.

In and out.  Drugs were going to help me heal.  In and out. Medicines that were going to change the way I’ve done thing.  In and out. Fixing what’s broken.

The needles go in and out.

“We’re done.”  The doctor says softly. She rubs my arm to let me know it’s over and I’ve survived again.

Everyone files out except for my husband.

I wait til the door clicks behind the last one.

The cries come out. Tears fall. My chest heaves and I stop being strong for a minute.

Over.  It’s over.

I get dressed.  I wipe my tears. I prepare myself to wait.

Wait for results.

Wait for something to make THIS worth it.

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10 Responses to now I wait

  1. Amanda Benjamin October 3, 2010 at 7:48 PM #

    Soooooooo so you think you can tell
    Heaven from Hell,
    Blue skies from pain.
    Can you tell a green field
    From a cold steel rail?
    A smile from a veil?
    Do you think you can tell……wish u were here

  2. Melinda October 3, 2010 at 1:38 PM #

    *huggles and snuggles*

  3. Cort (Modern Super Momma) October 2, 2010 at 8:08 PM #

    Keep fighting, sister! You are so strong! Keep it up!!

    Cort (Modern Super Momma)´s last post…I just lived a nightmare

  4. tara October 2, 2010 at 2:03 AM #

    I’m so sorry. Be brave, hang in. Like you always do. You are loved. xox

    tara´s last post…Toot Toot! All Aboard for Suckville!

  5. monstergirlee October 1, 2010 at 7:56 PM #

    Oh Anissa, my tears are for you. Hugs, big and strong.

    monstergirlee´s last post…Another Sunflower

  6. Christina October 1, 2010 at 4:52 PM #

    Tears, from what I read and what we go through well what K does you must be talking about botox? I always wondered what it was like for K but now I know. It is worth it! But bvreaks my heart that anyone have to go through it at all.

    Christina´s last post…Little K sneaking on to show off my new specs!

  7. Desera October 1, 2010 at 3:32 PM #

    AWWWWWW! I’m so sorry it is so painful for you! If I could take it from you, I would. You have been through so much. I am praying that this does what you’re hoping it is going to do. Keep on keepin’ on. Love you! ♥

  8. Elsewhere October 1, 2010 at 3:20 PM #

    Wish we all could take a tiny little bit of this from you.
    BTW, what kind of therapy or treatment is this?

  9. emily October 1, 2010 at 1:16 PM #


    emily´s last post…Memories

  10. MommyGeekology October 1, 2010 at 12:37 PM #

    Fingers crossed for you. What an amazing role model you have in your daughter and all she went through.

    MommyGeekology´s last post…Crazy Places I’ve Had Sex GTT

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