alone to cry

Laying facedown on the gurney.

Carefully draped so the doctor could work with my hamstring.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

She touches where she’s going to put the medicine.

I try to relax.

I know it’s going to hurt.

A lot.

The nurse rubs my shoulder. That’s never a good sign.

The Botox we used last time didn’t work.

The Phenol waiting to be injected might.

“OK, take a deep breath, this is going to poke a little.”

I close my eyes.  I try not to make a sound. I breathe deep and regular.

It doesn’t help much.

It hurts.

It agonizes.

It causes me such pain that there is no crying, I can barely breathe to weep.

They’re done.

They say things about how well I did.

Please leave.

They leave.

I’m alone.

I can breathe for a second.

I cry.

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26 Responses to alone to cry

  1. Angela November 9, 2010 at 6:38 PM #

    I hurt for you, I am sorry you have to go through this. I am happy you are alive. In a few short weeks, a year ago, I was at your bedside praying you would not die. It looked like you would. I hope this works, that it is worth all the agony you are going through.


  2. Coal Miner's Granddaughter November 9, 2010 at 5:23 PM #

    Oh, honey. Wish I could have been there… to kick the nurses for you. ;)

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last post…Im Famous!

  3. mommabird2345 November 9, 2010 at 3:18 PM #


  4. lceel November 9, 2010 at 2:59 PM #

    If I could, I would kiss it and make it better. Although I’m not sure even that would help.

    I have always said how much I admire women for their courage – for their ability to endure. The example that has always struck me most is the woman who, having already had a child – been through all of that – will actually, willingly, go back and do it again.

    You are a WOMAN. In every true and admirable sense of the word.
    And you are AMAZING.

    lceel´s last post…A Tuesday Tale – Minnies Grave

  5. Kristi November 9, 2010 at 2:35 PM #

    Phenol. Injection. Hol-eee shit. Just the idea. Sheesh.

    You’re tough, woman. Stay tough. Doing it anyway, hurting, crying, and doing it again if needed. That is TOUGH embodied.

  6. Diane Brogan November 9, 2010 at 2:19 PM #


  7. uthostage November 9, 2010 at 2:04 PM #

    You are so brave. I hope it works this time. *hugs*

    uthostage´s last post…Wordless Wednesday – Halloween Memories 2010

  8. Lynn @ Walking With Scissors November 9, 2010 at 1:07 PM #

    I just want to hug you until it starts to get awkward and you’re all, “okay, you can stop hugging me now, crazy lady.” Then? I’ll hug some more. (((hugs!!!)))

    Lynn @ Walking With Scissors´s last post…Absence…

  9. Colleen November 9, 2010 at 8:49 AM #

    I can’t say anything to make it better but I do feel badly, it’s not fair, it’s crap. Give ‘em hell.

  10. Jamie November 9, 2010 at 8:20 AM #

    You’re so brave, Anissa. Even when you probably don’t feel like it. <3

  11. MDTaz November 9, 2010 at 6:53 AM #

    My visit to your blog today was prompted by your tweet, which said, in cap letters, “I WROTE THIS.” I’m so sorry you have to experience this incredible discomfort, I can’t even imagine all you have been through this year. But are you also celebrating a milestone in the activities that you are taking back as things to do without help? Did I catch that or did I miss something?

  12. Desera November 9, 2010 at 6:10 AM #

    Oh, I’m so sorry it is so painful for you! (((HUGS))) I hope this one works for you! ♥

  13. Fairly Odd Mother November 9, 2010 at 5:42 AM #

    Ooooh, I’m so sorry—that sounds awful. Thinking of you and wishing it didn’t have to hurt.

    Fairly Odd Mother´s last post…Wordless Wednesday- Leaping

  14. MFA Mama November 8, 2010 at 11:43 PM #



  15. Kristin November 8, 2010 at 11:07 PM #

    Oh Anissa, I am so sorry it caused you so much pain.

    Kristin´s last post…Wheres Mario when you need a plumber

  16. SharonHeg November 8, 2010 at 10:55 PM #

    Crap, I’m sorry that it hurt so much. Sure hope it WORKS this time so at least it may have been worth it…

    SharonHeg´s last post…Getting My Wrist Slapped

  17. ciara November 8, 2010 at 10:33 PM #

    awww big hugs ((((anissa)))) you know only the strong people know it’s okay to cry. you’re one of the strongest people i’ve ever seen. i hope this treatment brings help.

    ciara´s last post…Dona Nobis Pacem 2010

  18. Tiffany November 8, 2010 at 10:32 PM #

    Oh Anissa. (((HUGS)))

    Tiffany´s last post…The mystery of the quotient

  19. Melissa-Shrinking Jeans November 8, 2010 at 10:25 PM #

    Much love, girl. You are as bad-ass as ever. xoxo

    Melissa-Shrinking Jeans´s last post…Monster Mash

  20. Heidi November 8, 2010 at 9:56 PM #

    That you are suffering through this is horrible. How well you are enduring it is remarkable. And that you are sharing your experience through what can only be described as poetry — phenomenal! When you do compile this into a book, it will most certainly be a best seller.
    Hugs, Anissa.

    Heidi (@mybeadtherapy)

  21. amo November 8, 2010 at 9:53 PM #

    Hugs and love from afar.

    amo´s last post…Preserving the Past- She Shot the Dog

  22. Amanda Benjamin November 8, 2010 at 9:52 PM #

    Baby love… I can relate. One time I had to take Haven with me to one a Doc Visit. I was hopped up on a table, legs in the air while the doc was pulling and poking around in a region that only God knows about and my lil guy says ” MOM!!!!What are they doing to your FEET!!!!! What love a child brings :)

  23. Dirty Dishtowels November 8, 2010 at 9:50 PM #

    This just makes me so sad! I hope the treatment helped after that. You do have a wonderful writing style that reaches out and makes us feel like we’re right there with you.

  24. Leslie November 8, 2010 at 9:45 PM #

    That hurt to read. In numerous ways. And what Sisterlisa said. <3

  25. Lorraine November 8, 2010 at 9:43 PM #

    There is something in your new style, something that is of course redolent of pain–but also of genius. What lasting connection can a stranger make with you over this non-shared experience? I don’t really know. But I feel somehow that I’m slightly more human as a result of having read this.

  26. Sisterlisa November 8, 2010 at 9:42 PM #

    I’m so sorry, Anissa. :O( I can’t even begin to imagine..but know you are loved so deeply by so many.

    Sisterlisa´s last post…Do You See What I Hear

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