I’ve already done big stuff

Today I cut a tie.

I felt it sever and let go.

I had held on to it without thought.

But being free of it felt liberating.

Maybe part of me needed to see that I could still be strong when the need called for it.

Part of me just needed to see there was still a need for me.

Yes, I’m still working to make my parts work.

I walk. I write. I cry. I strengthen.

I let go.

It felt good.

I realized that with strokes, a coma, rehab, rebuilding my world, having to learn to live in a wheelchair…everything else is pretty small stuff.

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4 Responses to I’ve already done big stuff

  1. Kat December 25, 2010 at 6:05 PM #

    You rock!
    My dad has had several major strokes, resulting in severe asphasia as well as him being physically disabled. I revel in the fact that you have progressed SO much!!! I admire your tenacity and maintaining that sense of humor.
    P. S. Ryan is back on the market!

  2. Chris December 19, 2010 at 11:26 PM #

    Just so happy, thankful, grateful, that you are here. Cut anything you want. Your life, your decisions, thanking God that you can make them.
    You rule in my book!!!
    Merry Christmas to you and yours Anissa….Hang in there and keep fighting. You will win!!!

  3. The Other Elle December 18, 2010 at 5:20 PM #

    I talked to my 80-year-old mom on the phone for two hours today. Her stroke was April Fool’s Day, 2009.

    Her aphasia is so frustrating — what she thinks she is saying is not what is actually coming out of her mouth. There are always two conversations going on: the one that we are trying to have, and the one in which I am constantly checking to see if I understand what she meant to say. And because her brain has such difficulty decoding letters and numbers, she can’t read email or compose a reply. Software that would create an email based on her spoken words might help — if the words she was speaking made any sense.

    She feels so trapped inside of her skull. She told me once, in a burst of coherence that made me cry, that she wished she’d been physically impaired instead of cognitively — that way, people would know she’d had a stroke and would make allowances, instead of thinking she was stupid or senile. She could deal better with having someone help her to get dressed, she said, than she does with seeing the looks of confusion on the faces of people with whom she was conversing, and watching them avoid her when they don’t want to deal with the hassle.

    Your blog postings are my refuge. You so inspire me with your strength, Anissa. Even when you are weak — when you are human! — you give me such hope. I leave here feeling recharged and better able to be strong for my mom, in turn.

    I just wanted to say ‘thank you’…you will never know how much you helped.

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