the face

I found this.

It made me crack up.

But then it made me cry.

I had to really look at that face and know it wasn’t going to look back at me in the mirror.

That face with it’s perfectly symetrical smile.

That face without the tape on the glasses.

That face that *I* know was upstairs.

THAT face is gone.

I see a different one in its place.

It IS crooked. It DOES have tape on its glasses.  It DOESN’T go upstairs.

I’m thankful to still have a face that my kids can kiss goodnight.

But I do still cry for the face that will never be mine again.

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29 Responses to the face

  1. Susan in the Boonies March 1, 2012 at 6:46 PM #

    This is so vulnerable, and so real.

    I’m so sorry for the pain your words allow me to catch a glimpse of.

    I didn’t know you “when”.

    I’ve only met you a couple of times in real life.

    But this I know:
    When I met you, I met this wonderful, hilarious, loving, sensitive woman, who totally rocks.
    I don’t love you because you’re in a chair, or not in a chair, because you’re beautiful (even though you are) or not:

    I just know that I met a vibrant woman who is so much fun to be with, and what’s more, she so kind! And kindness and humor draw me like a moth to a flame.

    I mourn that face for you – but only because you do. For my part? I’ve missed out on nothing. Nothing at all.

    Susan in the Boonies´s last post…It’s My SITS Day!

  2. Elizabeth Norton July 29, 2011 at 11:33 PM #

    I love you and your face! Hugs xoxoxo p.s. I also miss it!

  3. Penbleth June 18, 2011 at 2:39 PM #

    Anissa, I’m sure your honesty has helped others admit they wish their physical appearance hadn’t changed. When something happens to out face it seems so awful, it’s what the world sees. At first. Then we stop seeing scars or twists or tightness or lack of movement and see the person.

    Penbleth´s last post…If you’ve got nothing nice to say- come sit beside me

  4. Tracey June 17, 2011 at 9:00 AM #

    Hi Anissa. I have been reading your blog for months now with no comment and no official status. I live thousands of miles from you and just want to say, I really like you :) You have way more guts than I.

  5. carol anne June 16, 2011 at 11:12 PM #

    *sniffles* No, I’m not crying. I have allergies, yeah allergies. effing pollen. You’re brave to share your ups and downs. Your honesty is amazing.

    I understand. I look in the mirror sometimes and think that I look like Frankenstein with all the scars from the stitches in my head. I tell people that at least I got a nice head of hair (wig) out of this experience but truth be told I miss my own.

    Thank you for sharing. (((hugs)))

    carol anne´s last post…365 Days of Carol Anne Not Sure What I Am Tonight

  6. Janine (@twincident) June 16, 2011 at 10:31 PM #

    I love your face especially cause it’s tied to you! I look in the mirror and see someone totally different but I have nothing but age and the sun to blame.

    Janine (@twincident)´s last post…8 Years

  7. I’m not crying. I got a duck in my eye. "the face –" Thank you to Hugh the commenter

    • Hugh June 17, 2011 at 8:55 AM #

      I can’t decide between – woohoo! fistpump! Still making the girls cry! #iamsuchabadass; or – I’m glad it was of meaning to you…. and thanks for adding me on Facebook :)

      OK I’m British (and yes I have met the Queen) – it’s the latter one. LOL

      • Anissa Mayhew June 17, 2011 at 4:16 PM #

        You totally made me think oh Hugh Grant and him getting arrested with that “special” friend! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

        • Hugh June 18, 2011 at 4:40 AM #

          Oh! umm … gosh! … I mean … err…. wow and, umm, well…..

  8. Hugh June 16, 2011 at 9:16 PM #

    Anissa… my wife had a series of bleeds in her brainstem about 10 years ago; that and the corrective surgery left her with almost exactly the same effects you have from your stroke.

    Yes, her face is ‘twisted’, she has no feeling in and can’t use the right side of her body (which meant she got her first tattoo there recently – I accused her of cheating, as she couldn’t feel it!) She gets emotional when looking at old photos, or wondering why some of our friends suddenly started not to call by. (Mostly the rest of our friends have been absolutely wonderful.)

    I know she hates how she looks now. There is no changing that ‘look’. So we try to ignore it and to be honest after 10 years I can’t really bring to mind how she used to look. That was then, this is now and how it will be. But I know she grieves for what once was and can never be again.

    What I see is the woman I fell in love with and married 24 years ago. As I’m sure your husband does too (and if he would like to talk about being the ‘other half’ he’s welcome). Having great boobage is always a plus point of course! :)

    • Anissa Mayhew June 16, 2011 at 9:49 PM #

      THANK YOU.

      You just touched my heart and I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story and your truth.

      I hope your wife knows how lucky she is.

      I do.

  9. Susie June 16, 2011 at 4:18 PM #

    I have pictures of my mom after her stroke. Yep, she had a crooked smile. I loved that crooked smile because it proved to me she was still here. And her crooked smile was all I needed to know how much she loved all of us. She went from a wheelchair to a walker to a cane and as we watched her through her long journey after the stroke, she gave us courage in our own lives and was an example of absolute perseverance.

    And so it is with you, Anissa. Now go get tomorrow, lady, like you always do…

    • Anissa Mayhew June 16, 2011 at 9:50 PM #

      You encourage me to always reach deep for more than I thought I had.

  10. Robin O'Bryant June 16, 2011 at 1:25 PM #

    Damn you for making me cry. You are an inspiration and incredibly brave to be so completely honest about your life. That’s beautiful and timeless.

    Robin O’Bryant´s last post…Aubrey Said- This is my sister

    • Anissa Mayhew June 16, 2011 at 9:51 PM #

      Damn you for the rash!

  11. the face – via @AnissaMayhew

  12. Truthful Mommy June 16, 2011 at 8:59 AM #

    This post, I can relate. I look in the mirror and know i will never see the body that I once had, all firm and taut. I will never have the face I once did; tight and young. But, I take small comfort that this body still works well enough to get me around to do the things I need to love my husband and my children. That the wrinkles that I may ( or may not be getting) is from smiling so hard from being so happy, from laughing at the wit and snark of great writers (like yourself),from living a life hard and embracing all the little moments.
    You are beautiful and we are all thankful that you are here at all. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that you are here for all of us to know. If our outsides could reflect our insides, you would certainly be a supermodel. *HUGS* I’m sorry that this video made you sad.

    • Anissa Mayhew June 16, 2011 at 9:52 PM #

      Thank you times 1000.

  13. Kristin June 15, 2011 at 10:21 PM #

    Oh Anissa, I can understand crying for what has been lost but, I have to tell you. That face (or those magnificent boobs) is not what drew me too you or has kept me coming back. Your humor, drive, determination, and that beautiful, wonderful heart of gold are what snagged me and kept me coming back. Those are what make you beautiful in my eyes.

    Kristin´s last post…Tasty Tuesday- Strawberry Crumb Cake

    • Spike August 1, 2011 at 12:31 PM #

      Wait, I cannot fathom it being so striaghftowrrad.

  14. Becky June 15, 2011 at 8:02 PM #

    It is the glimpse of the character that refuses to be held down …

    … and I miss my hair! I want the 65% back that I have lost! Not likely to happen though so my comfort lies (for the time being, LOL) in that I STILL have boobs! Sorta ;-)

    Becky´s last post…Driving Lil Man

  15. Nancy [Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas] June 15, 2011 at 6:16 PM #

    All faces change with time, experience, worry, exposure, and more. Yours just got a jump start thanks to a sucktastic stroke that almost took you away from us. It’s now a reminder that life is so precious and we should be thankful for every day we get to see the faces we love.

    So for me, that crooked smile of yours is a blessing every time I get to see it.

  16. Ann June 15, 2011 at 6:08 PM #

    And when we are all old and wrinkly you’ll be so pissed off you didn’t make out with your own face in the mirror exactly as it is now.

    [beautiful post]


  17. Wendy June 15, 2011 at 5:21 PM #

    But… It IS still yours. I miss the face I had when I was 16, and I’m sure I’ll miss this face when I’m 66. I know it’s not the same and not what you mean, but my point is that you’re still you. Only better in having been through yet another thing that didn’t kill you.

  18. ThePeachy1 (@IamthePeachy1) June 15, 2011 at 5:12 PM #

    leveling the playing field for the next gen of hotties RT @AnissaMayhew: I WROTE THIS: the face –

  19. ThePeachy1 June 15, 2011 at 5:07 PM #

    When I first saw you, you were wearing the face in that video above. It wasn’t smiling. Within a few minutes it did. But I fell in fast and hard love with what was deep underneath that face. Yes it’s quite fortunate that we were both coyote ugly rock star speaker dancing hot smoking bodies. Yes it is true that now we have passed the torch on to younger hot bodies. We both outwardly show the battles on our bodies that we have medically fought. The part I love, is here, writing this post. The part I love is one txt msg away. So wheel chairs, and scars, crooked smiles, tape on the glasses, partials, limps, fainters and heart caths, the point is. We are still such totally hot smoking babes this just sort of leveled the playing field a little.

    • Anissa Mayhew June 16, 2011 at 9:34 PM #

      We did have our day, didn’t we? I love you!

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