A few years ago I wrote a letter to Nathaniel and Rachael apologizing for all the failures they suffered through Peyton’s cancer treatment.
It was an important letter because I wanted the kids to know that I was aware of how I’d let them down. But it didn’t mean I loved them any less.
So, I realized that if something ever happened to me I wanted the kids to have something to remember me by.
I thought about writing something private, but I also know the kids might never find it.
If you’re reading this I’ve run away with the circus and left to make my fortune in monkeys.
If your reading this, it’s because something happened and I’m not able to explain this to you in person.
First, I just want you to know that YOU three were the best things I ever did in my life. Getting to be your mom was the experience beyond all others. I don’t think it’s possible for me to put in words.
Nathaniel, I hope as you become the man you are showing the signs of growing into that you will remember one of the best lines Stan Lee ever wrote: WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. You have the most incredible capability for laughter but remember you also have the chance to have a strong heart. You will have a lot of pain, but you have this once to be the guiding force in your sisters’ lives, don’t waste it. It’s ok to cry. Fall in love. Remember that “Princess Bride” is one of the best movies ever. Call your dad instead of driving drunk. Know I love you.
Rachael, you choose to think of yourself as the “middle child” but remember that I chose to think of you differently: “the infectious laugh” or “the one most like me” or “the cook”. It’s such a struggle for you to get past the idea that anyone might forget you when it’s IMPOSSIBLE. You really need to hold on to the fact that you are unique and amazing….something you might not appreciate now when you want to be just like everyone else. But you will. One day. Know that I appreciate you and who you are NOW. And I love you.
Peyton, you my sweetie, need to keep being the kind of person who thinks the answer to universe is “pie”. Talk about yourself in third person. Dress in green every day. Think your older brother and sister herd unicorn, know your daddy is there to protect you and believe in your ability to do ANYTHING. Clean up your messes. Put things back where you find them. Keep giving the best hugs in the world. I love you.
There’s a lot of things to tell you that I didn’t. I’ll leave that to your dad. Or Gilmore Girl reruns.
As much as I tell you, I can’t say it enough: YOU are family.
No one will ever know you the way these people do.
No one will ever love you the way these people do.
Don’t be an asshole. I’ll find a way to haunt you for eternity if you do.
I LOVE YOU.