rules for meeting me

Whether it’s a conference or a meetup or just a meeting out, there are certain rules when it comes to meeting me.

Well…

So, let’s get down to what I like to call “Anissa’s Rules of Engagement

  • I can’t see you when I’m moving or far away – This might be partially fixed by the eye-surgeries I’m scheduled to have but chances ARE that if you are left thinking “GOD, what a bitch! I waved and she didn’t wave back.”I COULDN’T SEE YOU. Because of the eye weakness (that the surgery is supposed to help fix) I have, I have trouble focusing on anything that is moving. THEN! Because the muscles spasm in my right eye (another surgery), everything is always moving.
  • I have trouble hearing when there is a lot of background noise – My hearing aide is supposed to help fix this when I get it. But the reason I avoid loud/noisy places is because I can’t hear at all. I spend a lot of time in hallways and outside of things because of the noise. Not because I don’t want to talk to you. If I AM in an area where you’re surprised to see me, I probably have earplugs in, AND CAN’T HEAR SH*T. If you want to have a conversation of any substance, you’ll wait till I can hear. Otherwise, I’ll nod and smile A LOT.
  • You may not have expected it but I have a speech problem - I talk wonky, quieter and my throat gets dry very easily. Things come out of my mouth that probably shouldn’t.  But I don’t think I can blame that on the strokes.
  • The wheelchair is like a really big scarf – feel free to compliment me on it, ask to borrow it, if you have any questions the kids named the new wheelchair Bertha.
  • I won’t break – people hug me, sit in my lap. step on my feet, knocked my arm off the wheelchair…but get between me and the coffee and I will report you to security as someone who mugs the handicapped. NO LIE.

Seriously, that’s really it.

What you have read or tweeted is pretty much what you get.

<sarcasm>I know you’re thrilled by that.</sarcasm>

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37 Responses to rules for meeting me

  1. the muskrat January 28, 2012 at 8:32 PM #

    Wish I’d reread this a few hours ago! I think I did fine, though.

  2. Erika Hancock January 5, 2012 at 8:16 PM #

    Well, damn. Now I want to come to this conference thing. I love your rules of engagement! I’ve got hearing aids, too, though mine aren’t as pretty as your new ones look to be. (I saw the blog about them.) I dream of having marbleized pink hearing aids one day…maybe something that also comes with a Stupid People Silencer (because THAT would be awesome).

    Erika Hancock´s last post…Finding Jesus.

  3. Susie December 31, 2011 at 10:47 PM #

    Thanks for laying out the ground rules, Anissa. No, I won’t be at any blogging conferences. (You have to have a blog to be invited, right?) But if we ever meet in Aisle 6 of the local grocery store (even tho’ we live 1000′s of miles apart), you’ll know me instantly. I’m the one who will say: “Now go get tomorrow, (like you always do), Anissa…” as I’m staring intently at your boobies…

    But I may try to crash blogging conferences (only if I know you are in attendance) because I REALLY do want to meet you in person. If you’re even 1/2 as funny as you are on your blog, I’ll make sure my life insurance is up-to-date in case I die laughing in your presence.

    Happy New Year to you and Peter and the kiddos!

  4. IzzyMom December 31, 2011 at 5:08 AM #

    So the next time I see you (probably at Mom 2.0 or the Aiming Low Non-Conference next fall) I can sit on your lap and we can do backward donuts in your new chair? SUH-WEEEEET.

  5. Susan in the Boonies December 31, 2011 at 1:01 AM #

    You know, at first, I thought you were posting your Rules of Engagement because you were warning me off in advance due to your plan to get that Restraining Order in advance.

    But I think if I just keep quiet about it, you might forget how deeply creepy I am.

    :-D

    Susan in the Boonies´s last post…Top Ten Ways To Know You’re Really A Mom

  6. monstergirlee December 30, 2011 at 8:23 PM #

    Dude, you are so freakin’ awesome. I love this post, and so many of your posts because of the honesty, the down and dirty facts of your life are there for others to see, and I think it’s so damn necessary.
    I hope to meet you some day. I’ll remember this post. Hugs.

    monstergirlee´s last post…364:365 December 30 Christmas Candy on Sale

  7. Peryl December 30, 2011 at 4:42 PM #

    I love this, Anissa. Be sure that when I meet you, both my kids will immediately ask to borrow your wheelchair.

    Peryl´s last post…Arguing After Kids, and 12 Rules of Life…

  8. Tracy Solomon December 30, 2011 at 3:20 PM #

    Anissa, you crack me up, always do. Definitely twins on the hearing, seeing and coffee thing. It all stops with the lap part. I would break but I will take you up on it especially if it would include a free ride… I’m there!

    Katia is ready to look into a custom made segway so she can get around. For us, a trip to the mall is short, sweet and to the point. Neither of us get very far.

    I do hope the surgery will help with your vision so you can clearly see any of your fans coming your way and anything else you may want to focus on.

    May you and yours have a very Happy New Year:)

    Tracy

    Tracy Solomon´s last post…Terror in America’s schools and at home

  9. meghann @ midgetinvasion December 30, 2011 at 2:18 PM #

    You forgot #6: Only introduce your children if you want them to be in danger of being kidnapped. (Although with the attitude Hannah has been throwing lately, I may end up taking you up on that offer.)

    And #7: If Anissa is holding her arm out to you, it’s for a hug. Not an awkward high five like I thought.

    p.s.-we still need to work out a time to go to the aquarium.

    meghann @ midgetinvasion´s last post…A Little Whistle Blowing

  10. Lee December 30, 2011 at 12:46 PM #

    I call Shenangians. When we met you told me I had to flash you my boobs. I don’t see this on here anywhere!

    Lee

    Lee´s last post…The Muppets Activity Pack For The Long Week Ahead!

  11. Lynette Young December 30, 2011 at 12:45 PM #

    So we should sit on your lap and whisper in your ear? (Rawwrrr…) Brining a coffee I heard helps ;)

    Lynette Young´s last post…The Spirit of the Entrepreneur…

  12. Kristin December 30, 2011 at 12:44 PM #

    I’m so glad I have no shame and will talk to anyone because I adore you and meeting you back in 2010 was one of the highlights of my first BlogHer.

    Kristin´s last post…Late to the Game

  13. Ann at Mundane Magic December 30, 2011 at 8:51 AM #

    I thought your whole “don’t get between me and my coffee” deal was an act to hide the publishing empire jewels.

    Thanks for being who you are…I was scared to meet you at first also because of your rock star blogging status. Then again, I had Pioneer Woman hold the camera and take a cheesy fan photo one time.

    Ann at Mundane Magic´s last post…Wordless Wednesday: Christmas 2011 Glimpses

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:58 AM #

      Did I leave out the part where I’m very scary?

      I’m going to put pics of vaginas on my name tag to break the ice from now on.

  14. kpotterb December 29, 2011 at 7:17 PM #

    You mean I could have sat on your lap???? DAMMIT.

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:54 AM #

      you snooze you loose, Kara!

  15. Karen Hartzell December 29, 2011 at 6:43 PM #

    This is why so many ppl love you. You are open, honest and not afraid to keep being who you have always been with a few minor challenges along the way…which by the way you tackle and conquer with style and grace each day.
    Huge hugs! I know you won’t break! You are way too strong!
    Hope to see you soon!

    Karen Hartzell´s last post…Super Easy Garlic Parmesan Pull Apart Bread

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:53 AM #

      plus, I give cookies! xoxoxox

  16. TechyDad December 29, 2011 at 4:26 PM #

    Julie,

    I take the opposite tactic. I have trouble hearing people in loud places (like BlogHer parties), so I respond by becoming extremely anti-social and hiding in the corner. I’m not being rude, I’m just avoiding people so that I don’t have to ask them “What’d you say” three times and then nod like I understood them when I have no clue what they’re talking about. (One of many reasons I like communicating online better than in person.)

    TechyDad´s last post…Finishing What I Start: The Final Report Card

  17. TechyDad December 29, 2011 at 4:23 PM #

    I’m still kicking myself for not meeting you at BlogHer 2010. I had multiple chances and every time my brain froze up and refused to give me things to say to you. Hopefully, I’ll be able to go to another blog conference soon and meet you in person.

    TechyDad´s last post…Finishing What I Start: The Final Report Card

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:52 AM #

      you’re just a total snob. don’t lie.

  18. brigid December 29, 2011 at 11:34 AM #

    If I’m sitting in your lap and you say something that makes me pee my pants, how pissed will you be?

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:51 AM #

      pissed on or pissed off!!

  19. Mandy December 29, 2011 at 11:07 AM #

    I hope I get a chance to meet you at BlissDom! I am so excited to see that you’ll be a community leader!:)

    Mandy´s last post…Marie Calloway: This Internet Sensation Is Brought To You By Tao Lin

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:51 AM #

      Blissdom for sure!! YAYYYYYY

  20. Jen @ Born Just Right December 29, 2011 at 10:25 AM #

    This is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I had a chance to talk to you a big during BlogHer11 near the elevators (it was super quick and I wouldn’t expect it to have been interesting)… Next time I’ll make sure to hold your coffee while I sit on your lap for a chat.

    Just kidding. I’m not that forward. I usually wait for lap sitting until after a few conversations.

    Jen @ Born Just Right´s last post…Five tips I wish I knew six years ago

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:50 AM #

      whooooooaaaa, you’re a FAST mover!

  21. Kristine (Mommy Needs Therapy) December 29, 2011 at 10:25 AM #

    I do hope to see you in person again someday, but only if you let me sit in your lap!

    Kristine (Mommy Needs Therapy)´s last post…Our elf Nelson

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:49 AM #

      my lap is your lap!

  22. JW Moxie December 29, 2011 at 10:21 AM #

    I AM looking forward to meeting you. Crossing my fingers that it will be in Feb.

    JW Moxie´s last post…You Can Be a Gangsta, Too

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:48 AM #

      We are going to have words if not!

  23. Vanessa Jubis December 29, 2011 at 10:07 AM #

    Hi Anissa!

    LMAO!!!! You simply amaze me, really, AMAZE! This was incredibly funny, humbling but most of all, it brought a tender smile to my face AND a huge chuckle to my belly. Now I DO hope to meet you one day ;)

    Vanessa Jubis :)

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:47 AM #

      I hope we get to meet too

  24. Dawniemom December 29, 2011 at 10:06 AM #

    When I met you at BlogHer ’10, you were perfectly wonderful. I’m so glad I had the ummm… nerve to approach you, and talk to you. Not because you’re in a wheelchair nor that you’ve had strokes. I was nervous cuz you’re a rock star, always were, always will be :)

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:46 AM #

      WHATEVER~~~ I’m just glad we got the chance r meet

  25. Julie December 29, 2011 at 10:04 AM #

    High five on not being able to hear shit in loud places! People think I talk a lot because I like to hear myself– really, I just can’t hear them, so I prevent the awkward by not shutting up. Shockingly, this works well. :-)

    • Anissa Mayhew December 30, 2011 at 8:44 AM #

      Hearing problem twins FTW!

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