making decisions that are hard

I’m sitting here trying to think of the “right” way to write this.

I could write this in a way that would get ME all the support and make Peter look like the enemy.

I could write this in a way that makes me look like a victim and make you feel sorry for for me.

But I just want to tell the truth.

My story.

My feelings.

MY DIVORCE.

Now, before you get all outraged on my behalf and “How could he do that and leave her like this?“, the divorce was MY decision.

It isn’t something that happened because of the strokes or handicap, it stems from issues that started years before I was in the wheelchair. Before Georgia. Before Peyton’s cancer.

There were little things that built and built with time and my priorities became protecting my kids and myself.

The kids know.

I wouldn’t think about telling any of you before telling them.

They’re hurting, but they also knew that something was wrong.

I feel so sorry to them to not be able to provide the home they deserve.

I HATE THAT.

Especially after what they’ve already been through.

But having been through what I have, overcoming the obstacles in my way, embracing my inner happiness….I owe it to myself.

If I DO have another stroke tomorrow, I want my kids to know that the price of happiness and fulfillment comes with a cost.  But it’s worth it.

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64 Responses to making decisions that are hard

  1. Jules February 2, 2012 at 5:54 PM #

    You are ONE strong lady! I hate that you’re going through this but if you will be happy in the end, the pain and struggle will be worth it.
    Thinking of you!

    Jules´s last post…Hotter Than a Rainbow

  2. kyooty February 2, 2012 at 1:55 PM #

    Well since I don’t “know” you and Peter other than what’s in your blogs, I can’t say a word. Good luck to your family no matter what.

  3. Adventures in Babywearing February 1, 2012 at 2:23 AM #

    Anissa, I’m sick for you over this. I’m here for you, babe.

    Steph

  4. Diane February 1, 2012 at 12:03 AM #

    big hugs :: and I agree you are one of the strongest women in social media, hands down. I admire that immensely.

  5. Julia Roberts January 31, 2012 at 10:53 PM #

    I love ya. That is all.

  6. Susie January 31, 2012 at 8:24 PM #

    Wow, just wow! I’m trying to catch my breath and stop my brain cells from exploding in utter and complete shock! When I read the two words you capitalized, I at first couldn’t believe it. I had to reread those two words over and over to let them sink in.

    That said, I have faith in you AND Peter. If I know anything, I know you both love your kids–without any limits–and that you will be there to listen as they try to make sense of huge changes in their young lives. Encourage them to talk about it and not keep their feelings bottled inside. Even as you and Peter live in different places in the future, I know you’ll both be there for them to provide a safe, secure and loving environment as they continue to grow up.

    I send you much hope that everything will work out. You’ve shown tremendous courage, strength and perseverance in Peyton’s cancer battle and your recovery from two strokes, so I know that won’t change as you face the challenges now before you.

    Even as you live apart, you, Peter and the kids can still be “family”. It will take a lot of communication, care and perseverance, and yes, love, but I have faith in all of you. Now go get tomorrow, like you always do, Anissa…

  7. Dawn Tucker January 31, 2012 at 6:42 PM #

    Wow, this seems to have come right out of left field. And I’ll freely admit it’s taken me by surprise.
    No judgement at all. Just love. And know that I’m praying for you all at this very difficult time.
    xx

  8. Karen January 31, 2012 at 5:51 PM #

    i knew that you would get tons of support and that you have many friends around the world. I didn’t have the strength to do what you did, I stayed in a horrible marriage for 9 years because I didn’t want my kids to not have the perfect home. When my friend said. “The relationship that created your children HAS failed. And that will have consequences. The only question is, are you going to admit it or not?” I stopped fighting the divorce. Before the ink was dry, I knew that he had given me the best gift ever. I haven’t found lasting love, largely because of the abuse in that marriage, but I no longer have to live in a house with a man who didn’t even like me, let alone love me. My house is a place of peace and safety. I wish you the same. And I’m going to do everything in MY power to make sure you get it.

  9. Frelle January 31, 2012 at 4:44 PM #

    Thinking of you and sending endurance and peace to your family. I’m in the middle of it, and it’s not over, but it’s already better than it was. I get to feel things like contentment and hope now,and it’s so worth it. *HUG*

    Frelle´s last post…Faith: I Am Always Enough

  10. Rachel January 31, 2012 at 12:50 PM #

    As the child of divorce, I can tell you this: having happy parents is MUCH more important than having married parents.

    Much love.

    Rachel´s last post…Longing

  11. schmutzie January 31, 2012 at 11:31 AM #

    All the love to you and your family right now.

    schmutzie´s last post…Me at Aiming Low: Hello, My Name Is Schmutzie, and I Love Animated GIFs

  12. Pattie January 31, 2012 at 11:07 AM #

    Thinking of you, Peter, and the kids during this incredibly difficult time. Although you’ve survived Peyton’s cancer and more than one stroke. If anyone can get through this, it’s you. Stay strong!

    Pattie´s last post…Photoblogging: First Day of Daycare

  13. Tania January 31, 2012 at 9:49 AM #

    All the best to you and Peter. I hope you two find the peace and happiness you both deserve.

    xoxo

  14. Barnmaven January 31, 2012 at 8:49 AM #

    I stayed in my marriage for much longer than I should have, to the detriment of my children. The transition was hardest for my daughter, and its still hard for her, but it was the right decision. When it was finally harder to stay married to him than it was to divorce him, the decision kind of made itself.

    Thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Its not going to be an easy time for any of you.

    Barnmaven´s last post…The little boy who could

  15. Lulu January 31, 2012 at 2:48 AM #

    You don’t really know me but I have followed your story, prayed for your recovery and was very happy when you went home. So many wise words in the replies before mine. I only know that we have one chance in life (more for lucky people like you). We make the best choices at the time and hope that good things come out of it. Who knows where our paths lead. With your friends holding you close, you and your family will get through this. I will continue to hope for goodness to prevail, and that your health continues to be in God’s safe hands.
    In the meantime, my thoughts and good energy are being sent your way. Take care.

    Lulu´s last post…Clout & About’s Best of MacWorld 2012 ~ Part 1 of 2

  16. Rajean January 31, 2012 at 1:36 AM #

    Been there, done that. Didn’t have to write about it, as it happened before my blog. May I simply say, I reread your bio and you are doing what Erma wrote and you emulate with grace, humor & dignity. Carry on, mama. Your friends are with you and blessings to your family.

    Rajean´s last post…Ode to Peanut Butter

  17. Kristin January 30, 2012 at 11:21 PM #

    Love and prayers coming to all of you.

  18. Katherine January 30, 2012 at 9:43 PM #

    XOXOXO thinking of you!!

    Katherine´s last post…Pinterest Style Tips

  19. Shelli January 30, 2012 at 9:36 PM #

    Thinking of you and your family, and wishing you peace during this difficult time.

    Shelli´s last post…Hark! The Angels Sing in Irony

  20. Christina January 30, 2012 at 7:05 PM #

    I’m so sorry Anissa. Decisions like that are never easy to make, but I’m sure you’re making the best decision for you and your family. Big hugs as you begin this tough transition into a new phase of your life.

    Christina´s last post…Surviving Winter Hair With Head & Shoulders

  21. Amy Nasworthy January 30, 2012 at 5:38 PM #

    You deserve to be happy my friend. I know you will all come through this and be happier in the longrun. Wish I could take away some of the pain. XOXO

  22. donna January 30, 2012 at 5:03 PM #

    Oh babe, I know it’s hard, no matter whose decision it was. Sending love to you and your family.

    donna´s last post…Deja Vu All Over Again

  23. The Domestic Goddess January 30, 2012 at 4:33 PM #

    I less than three you and I Hugz Yoo Nao.

    The Domestic Goddess´s last post…I’ma Gettin’ Real Here, People

  24. Nancy (@ Spinning My Plates) January 30, 2012 at 3:45 PM #

    Wow. I have to admit this was a shocker.

    However, my split was a shocker for 99 percent of folks as well.

    Three years later I can tell you that it does get better and that you and Peter will continue to be great parents to your awesome kids.

    Take care of yourself and accept the help whenever it’s offered, even if you don’t think it’s needed.

    Much love.

    Nancy (@ Spinning My Plates)´s last post…Card-carrying moms.

  25. ThePeachy1 January 30, 2012 at 3:16 PM #

    as someone who has known you both before Rachel, before Peyton, before the leukemia, before the strokes I am of course shocked, and saddened. I can not put myself in your shoes, but I was there while you were sleeping, for you, for the kids, for Pete. I know that both of you love those amazing kids, and that both of you are friends and mature enough to do the best for those awesome kids. If the love is gone, let the friendship and respect for each other be what the kids see. That’s an even more amazing lesson for them to learn

  26. Jenny January 30, 2012 at 2:34 PM #

    Sending you love, Anissa.

    Jenny´s last post…Barbie Hair

  27. Jami January 30, 2012 at 2:15 PM #

    Anissa,

    I know you are doing what you know if your heart is right. Sending you positive thoughts and love…again, I know you will persevere through this.

    XO
    Jami

  28. Dawn January 30, 2012 at 2:00 PM #

    Dude.

    (I got nothin else. We’re all a team, We are all in this/.)

    Dawn´s last post…Together a Team

  29. VDog January 30, 2012 at 1:47 PM #

    XOXO & hugs & boobie filled lap dances.

  30. Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) January 30, 2012 at 1:39 PM #

    Much love to you, to Peter, to the kids…

  31. Julie January 30, 2012 at 12:35 PM #

    I’d say I’m sending you strength from Strangerville, but you’re a helluva lot stronger than I am already. I can send you all kinds of love and support though, so I’ll just do that.

    When it’s no longer “better together”, it’s best to see what you can both be apart.

    Julie´s last post…The Mysterious Case Of The Biohazard At The Bowling Alley

  32. Naomi January 30, 2012 at 12:28 PM #

    I am so very very sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this, Anissa. Decisions like these are the hardest to make and take so much courage. I know I can’t make it any easier, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending my love. If you need a shoulder to lean on, I am here for you. Now and always.

  33. Naomi January 30, 2012 at 12:26 PM #

    I am so very very sorry to hear that you are going through this. Decisions like these are the hardest to make and take so much courage. I know I can’t make it any easier, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending my love. If you need a shoulder to lean on, I am here for you. Now and always.

  34. Christina Gleason @ Cutest Kid Ever January 30, 2012 at 12:26 PM #

    So sorry you have to go through this. I hope, at least, that it goes as smoothly as possible, and that your family is able to find its new comfort zone soon.

    Christina Gleason @ Cutest Kid Ever´s last post…Pinteresting: Maroon 5 – How Lyrics

  35. Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy January 30, 2012 at 12:22 PM #

    I am sorry Anissa. Sending you love and prayers.

  36. MFA Mama January 30, 2012 at 12:21 PM #

    Holy shit, lady. Ho. Lee. Shit.

    Divorce is so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    MFA Mama´s last post…the one with the stomach bug

  37. toywithme January 30, 2012 at 12:14 PM #

    Having recently decided to end my 25 year marriage I know how difficult your decision must have been. Just because it’s your choice doesn’t make it any easier. Thinking of you and sending hugs of support!

    toywithme´s last post…Desperate For Love

  38. Robin Plemmons January 30, 2012 at 11:52 AM #

    I don’t know much but I know I love you. And Peter. And those precious ass kids.

    Robin Plemmons´s last post…I love you with all of my butt. I would say heart but my butt is bigger.

  39. By Word of Mouth Musings January 30, 2012 at 11:49 AM #

    We will rant and rave and blow off steam and wear hot red lipstick and say the hell with it all when we see eachother soon.
    and btw, I look like a hooker in hot red lipstick.

    Thinking of you xxx

    By Word of Mouth Musings´s last post…Monday Muse – Tracy Jensen May

  40. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting January 30, 2012 at 11:47 AM #

    Hugs and much love, sweetheart. xo

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last post…33-34 Weeks {Sonogram} Houston, We Have Feet!

  41. Angi January 30, 2012 at 11:23 AM #

    Wishing all the love to you and Peter both. It’s so hard, but I know that you both love your children fiercely and you will all get through this, together.
    ((hugs))

    Angi´s last post…The Road Less Traveled.

  42. Elizabeth@Table4Five January 30, 2012 at 11:21 AM #

    I can’t imagine how hard that decision must have been to make. Sending big virtual hugs.

    Elizabeth@Table4Five´s last post…Happy Birthday To Me! Stop By For Some Cake.

  43. Melissa @ the staten Island Family January 30, 2012 at 11:12 AM #

    Anissa Means-Bacon Mayhew once again you blow everyone away with your bravery and honesty– you have a village of support around you– you are not alone.

  44. Dawniemom January 30, 2012 at 11:12 AM #

    I’m so sorry you have to face this now. I wish I had the right words, but I think the others before me have said it perfectly.

    Hugs.

  45. Roberta January 30, 2012 at 10:58 AM #

    Really sorry Anissa. Even when divorce is the right thing, it’s still sad and hard. Fight your way through to the good stuff. Love and strength to you and your family.

  46. kpotterb January 30, 2012 at 10:56 AM #

    I wish you didn’t have to make that type of decision. Love to all of you.

  47. Chele January 30, 2012 at 10:55 AM #

    Anissa, you are one strong woman! Much love, support and prayers for an easy transition for all!

    Chele´s last post…Cheering Like Her Nanny – Wordless Wednesday

  48. melissa January 30, 2012 at 10:52 AM #

    you are so strong. and so brave. and your kids will be fine because they have you!!

  49. Katja of Skimbaco January 30, 2012 at 10:52 AM #

    So sorry about tough times. But you have to do whatever it takes to live life happily.

    Katja of Skimbaco´s last post…Act to Stop Children’s Obesity With Right Actions & Stop Ashaming Obese Children

  50. Sherry Carr-Smith January 30, 2012 at 10:43 AM #

    I’m so sorry you and Peter are having to go through this. I don’t think anyone gets married thinking that they will get divorced (unless you’re a Kardashian?). Even when it’s the righ tthing to do, it’s crap. We’re all thinking of you guys!

    Sherry Carr-Smith´s last post…I Assume…

  51. Lisa Frame January 30, 2012 at 10:42 AM #

    Thinking about you, Anissa. You’re a brave woman, this is just the next step in the journey my friend.

    Lisa Frame´s last post…Work Wednesday: 6 Tips to Save Time & Sanity with Email

  52. Pauline January 30, 2012 at 10:42 AM #

    I wish you and your family the best. Decisions like this are never easy. But you are strong. I feel like that’s not enough to say, somehow.

  53. Dresden January 30, 2012 at 10:38 AM #

    wow. Thinking of you all.

    Dresden´s last post…Chow down on this chowder

  54. Erin Margolin January 30, 2012 at 10:32 AM #

    You all will get through this. It may not be fun or easy (it might fucking suck), but you WILL. One day at a time. One hour at a time, whatever it takes.

    But what you need to know is that we are all here for you. I know we’ve never met (but that’s about to change!!) but I’m only an email or a phone call away. You are never alone, even though it might feel that way right now.

    And kids? are very resilient. They will surprise you.

    And YOU will surprise YOURSELF.

    Because you are a phenomenal woman.

    Erin Margolin´s last post…Yes, My Dad is Gay.

  55. robin January 30, 2012 at 10:28 AM #

    sending love and prayers to your family as you work through this challenging time.

  56. Grumble Girl January 30, 2012 at 10:25 AM #

    Oh man. Lady, I’m wishing you both happiness, and strength to get to the other side of this thing… I know you can do it. Hugs to you. (Both.)

    Grumble Girl´s last post…Still Here

  57. Jana A (@jana0926) January 30, 2012 at 10:23 AM #

    Oh, Anissa. I know this has to be so tough for all of you. Consider yourself hugged. A big one like I gave you Saturday night. (((hugs)))

    Jana A (@jana0926)´s last post…The Great Upstairs Shake-Up

  58. Jess Commins January 30, 2012 at 10:23 AM #

    Sending you all the love and hugs in the world…

    I’m sure this is tough, but I admire you for doing what you believe is right, even though the other way is much easier.

    Pretty much the textbook definition for “Badass” right there… ;)

    Jess Commins´s last post…It’s not you. It’s them…

  59. Lauren January 30, 2012 at 10:22 AM #

    So sorry you and your family are going through such a tough time. But as you already know, it’s better for your kids to see 2 happy, stable, separated parents than 2 miserable ones living under the same roof. Thinking of you all.

    Lauren´s last post…Star- passthewine- bucks?

  60. Kelly January 30, 2012 at 10:21 AM #

    I left my husband FOR my child. Because I was a dreadful role model for her, and she should never think that living that kind of unhappy is “normal”. I’m still searching for happy, and who knows if I will find it, but SHE will know not to settle for anything less.

    You’re an inspiration, Anissa. You always have been. Your children are lucky to have such a strong and amazing mommy.

  61. Ann at Mundane Magic January 30, 2012 at 10:19 AM #

    I know neither of you would make this decision lightly and I know that both of you love those beautiful children. That’s all I need to know. I’ll be praying for you through this transition.

  62. Amber January 30, 2012 at 10:18 AM #

    Wow. This change will require a tremendous amount of courage and I believe you and your kids have it. Sending as many good thoughts as I can to all of you as you make this adjustment and I am so sorry for any pain you have/did have before this decision.

    Amber´s last post…Adieu

  63. Anon January 30, 2012 at 10:17 AM #

    Anissa,
    Good luck. You are one of the strongest people I (know) read. You can do it.

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