how am i supposed to keep anything “private”

I’m taking something deeply personally and dealing with it in a way that is incredibly public.

I was asked to keep it more private.

And I thought about it.

I really did.

Did I want everyone knowing that I failed at my marriage?

That I’m choosing to end a union I had once vowed my forever?

The sheer magnitude of my vulnerability.

Not really. NO.

But did I want to share every moment of my daughter’s cancer?

My failures as parent through treatment.

Did I want to want to let you watch as I came back from the strokes?

Has it been easy to take picture and videos of my handicaps?

Did I go with the easy way out with the physical side of my recovery.

How were those things not personal?

Why was it ok to make THAT public, but I was supposed to hide this choice that, although hard, was somehow RIGHT.

I have worked really hard to not make this more one-sided than it has to be.

Partly because that’s not how I want this.

But, more importantly, the kids might read this and I want them to knew that these posts were never about GETTING MY WAY.

It’s just that writing has always been MY WAY OF DEALING.

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9 Responses to how am i supposed to keep anything “private”

  1. Barnmaven February 4, 2012 at 8:49 PM #

    I know how hard it has been for me the past few years to keep details of my divorce private. I have written posts that never saw the light of day – and written others that probably shouldn’t have, but did anyway. So many feelings to process -raw, blistered, sad, angry, grieving, anxious, lonely, furious….its a fucking rollercoaster and if you write as a way of processing, its damn hard to escape writing about your divorce.

    Some will criticize, some will support, in the end I think you only need to answer to yourself for how you handle things.

    Thinking of you.

    Barnmaven´s last post…Dear Karen, a geography lesson for you. **UPDATED**

  2. Colleen February 4, 2012 at 11:40 AM #

    Anissa, I write for exactly the same reason that you do. It is my way of dealing.

    I truly believe that writing with the knowledge that your children could read this blog, will censor anything that could be considered ‘crossing the line’. I write what I feel my children could read, and I make every attempt to keep it truthful without being offensive … and I believe that keeps my writing honest and ‘real’ at the same time.

    I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are faced with this. There are many hard decisions one must make in life. I have made my fair share of them and I can honestly tell you that I’ve come out the other side of it and not only survived … but thrived (and my children are the true benefactors of a ‘healthy’ and happy me).

    I have made reference to your story and linked your blog to my post this morning. Please let me know if I have overstepped, made any incorrect assumptions or if you would like me to edit or remove anything that I have written.

    Thank you Anissa … for your honesty, your humor and your spin on life and how you live it. All the best to all of you. Always.

    Colleen´s last post…How Much is Too Much?

  3. Kathy February 4, 2012 at 12:51 AM #

    And that would be why I shut my blog down. I can’t handle sharing only part of me. And I remember when your husband was there for you after your stroke…and I hurt for both of you.

  4. Karen February 3, 2012 at 7:06 PM #

    Maybe it seems intimidating given that you have an enormous online following but really I think it shows an element of naivety to believe that such things ever remain “private”. This is your support group, something that has been built up over years of challenging heartache and as confronting as it might be to someone who hasn’t chosen this form of self-expression, your readership is part of your life now and will seek out information to ascertain your health and well-being no matter what. So you can either post it here with the delicacy and fair-mindedness you’ve been showing or you could attempt to answer 100s of emails from people all wanting to know the same thing. Logically, this is actually the best way, not only because of the time and energy it saves you but because everything you’re saying is completely transparent. THAT is the confronting part but once it’s accepted that you’re not actually going to stay completely silent and that it isn’t even marginally reasonable to expect you to, I think it’s fairly obvious why this is the best choice.

  5. Von February 3, 2012 at 2:51 PM #

    Your kids know YOU. If you’ve written through all the other hard times and somehow not this time, will they think that it was somehow less important? I can’t answer that because I don’t know them, but I do believe you have to write your own truth the best way you can,. It’s such a balancing act. I write about child abuse at times and I’m always walking a line, trying not to hurt my mom, trying not to hurt my dad’s memory; but in the end I can only write MY truth. Dude, I wish you the best. I wish you some sort of peace. I’m sorry you had to make such a hard decision. Life sucks sometimes. And then it gets better. Sigh, but you already know that.

    • Von February 3, 2012 at 2:53 PM #

      Hmm, why did I get a sourpuss avatar??? ;) I guess, it’s kind of cool if you squint and turn your head slightly to the left…

  6. Dave2 February 3, 2012 at 2:32 PM #

    I don’t write anything personal on my blog. But it’s people like you who make me wish I had the courage to do so. Through all your ups and downs, you have an extended community of people who have come to love, care, and support you because of what you write.

    And then there’s also people like me who not only love, care, and support you because of what you write… but who feel helped and healed from what they read here. I found your blog when I was going through a terrible crisis, and what I learned from you helped to make my life bearable at a difficult time. Since then, you’ve continued to inspire me by facing incredible challenges with a grace and honesty I aspire to.

    Your “way of dealing” is who you are, and I am incredibly grateful for it.

    And you.

    Dave2´s last post…Parenting

  7. Jenny (@jaydub26) February 3, 2012 at 1:36 PM #

    If we only write what other people ‘allow’ us to write then we are not writing our truth. As long as you keep thngs as amicable on here as they are or aren’t in real life then I dont really see the problem. To not tell us about your divorce would give us a false picture of you (and Pete) having this great marriage that was working – which would be reflected in the comments we leave if we were working under this misconception.
    My rule for my blog is never say anything about my kids or husband that I havent said to them in person. but also that my blog is the avenue for me to let my feelings out so they cant be to upset by anything they read there. Of course my kids are young adults so it is a bit different

    Jenny (@jaydub26)´s last post…‘The Faces of Inflammatory Breast Cancer’

  8. Chunky Mama February 3, 2012 at 1:18 PM #

    Sorry to hear the news. I know it will be hard on everyone. Sending you hugs and strength.

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