there can be no neutral

So it inevitably happens.

You take the first hit from a friend regarding your split.

There’s been been many well meaning yet critical family members.

But this was the first time I reached out to have my hand slapped away.

It was explained away that they were going to remain neutral and wait til the dust settled.

How nice for them?

Am I wrong to expect a friend to stick by in the times that suck.

At first I was nice and understanding of their decision.

But then I thought about it.

It was nice to know to know that they would be a friend during the hard times (the hospital) as long as it wasn’t awkward. It didn’t require a decision.

I guess these is no neutral in this.

We can’t pretend there is.

That sucks.

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8 Responses to there can be no neutral

  1. Nancy (@ Spinning My Plates) February 21, 2012 at 4:16 PM #

    I lost quite a few good friends in my divorce and that hurt almost as much as the divorce itself. I know it’s little comfort now, but these moments allow us to make room for other people who understand that friendship isn’t about choosing sides.

    Nancy (@ Spinning My Plates)´s last post…Making the tough decision

  2. Barnmaven February 20, 2012 at 5:08 PM #

    When you divorce you find out who your real friends are. There are a rare few who really can be neutral and give love to both of you, but most either choose a side or just disappear as if you’ve suddenly gotten a bad cases of herpes that they might accidentally catch by talking to you.

    It sucks very much. I’m sorry.

    Barnmaven´s last post…On love, blended families, and housework

  3. Kristin February 19, 2012 at 10:08 PM #

    I’m so sorry you didn’t find the support where you expected to find it. Stay strong and keep coming to us. We are here for you.

    Kristin´s last post…Randomosity

  4. Heather February 19, 2012 at 7:18 PM #

    Thank you for being brave and for telling things as they are, even though sometimes, it ain’t pretty. My mother will not leave my father (after 41 years in a miserable marriage involving infidelity and another child) when she should have left when I was young (actually before I was even born, a year after they got married!) – all because of the “friends” who would judge. This is not friendship. Through this, unfortunately, you will find out which friends will be there through everything and which ones will be there because it looks good and is convenient. I am grateful for you. I found you through the grapevine, as you know how blogs tend to go. I read this one that led me to another and somehow found you. I love your sense of humor – it’s so similar to mine. Love that you find light in the darkness. Knowing that everyday of your life isn’t filled with sunshine and roses, and yet you still carry on. It’s what ties us all and though we don’t know each other, know I am on your side. ‘Cause you are doing what is right, even though it’s not what is easy. That is bravery & courage. Thanks for being you.

  5. GuiltySquid February 19, 2012 at 6:40 PM #

    Been there.

    I always felt like those who “stayed neutral” we’re just finding a way to keep separate from the divorce.

    Because it might be contagious?

    I don’t know, it didn’t get better. Ending the marriage ended a lot of relationships. The untold victims of divorce.

    On the other hand, friendships I never took the time to appreciate, became my lifeline in the darkness.

    There’s a balance in there somewhere. You’ll find yours.


  6. Frelle February 19, 2012 at 5:44 PM #

    no there can be no neutral. and i know how it feels to have your hand slapped away, and be cornered and preached at, have people disappointed in me for leaving, and I’ve lost a lot of “real life” friends over my split. It killed my heart. I was surprised at who bailed on me, and who I got much closer to.

    Hearing you, Anissa. i know it hurts. I’m so grateful to be going to Blissdom this week, where so many support us. And I can’t wait to hug you. Sending you strength, endurance, and so much love.

    Frelle´s last post…11 Questions Meme

  7. Maddie Kertay February 19, 2012 at 5:32 PM #

    Neutral – the act of going nowhere.. ” when the dust settles” – code for.. “I want to see who wins”.. simple- you are better off without them in your life. and yes it sucks.

    Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and never wore it.


  8. Dawn February 19, 2012 at 5:16 PM #

    I’m so sorry. This happened to me too and it was really hard. Even when my ex was at the height of his jackassery and not paying any child support, dating a stripper, and I had to file a restraining order against him for repeatedly breaking into my house, I had friends, and even a BROTHER who tried to “remain neutral” (my brother still I close to my ex which kills me) I lost a few very close friends over it. I wish I could tell you people don’t judge and won’t disappoint you, but they will. All I can say is, it gets better. Not quickly, and not always the way we hope, but it does get easier. Until one day you realize you really are happy again. I’m holding you in my thoughts.

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