do over

There are days you wake and by the time you lay your head back on the pillow you just want to call “DO OVER!”

You have no idea of the shitstorm of events about to start just by brushing the sleep from your eyes.

Instead of birds chirping. The smell of coffee brewing. Even the sounds of weekend cartoons bringing me into full consciousness

My heart stopped at the words I read on my phone.

A friend was at the hospital with her daughter.

They thought her leukemia was back.

This didn’t just strike average fear.

This child had already gone through cancer treatment for the same cancer as Peyton.

This meant that years after health, the chemo had failed.

The pain I felt was unfathomable. Unexplainable.

For her mother who was sitting panicked in a room. For the little girl.

For myself, who couldn’t stop thinking about the 8yo I felt at more risk than ever.

The fear led to an angry temper and irrational outburst.

The outburst led to led to a remorse and shame.

The shame led to a hole and gaping need.

The gaping need can never be filled and I have chosen that for myself.

Then just when I’m starting to put a bandage on the wound so I can be friend MOM needs, a sucker-punch comes out of the blue.

It hit hard.

It pulls the scabs off a freshly bleeding gash.

I’m left tonight pulling the pieces of the wound together so they can be bandaged.

I’ll put on a bigger bandage.

It’ll work.

Tomorrow will be better.

I’ve got stuff to do. Lots of it apparently.

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5 Responses to do over

  1. Renee March 5, 2012 at 6:09 PM #

    Sending you all thoughts and prayers of health and healing.

    Renee´s last post…Dimes Aren’t Just Pocket Change

  2. Susan in the Boonies March 4, 2012 at 11:40 PM #

    I’m so sorry, my friend!!!

    Susan in the Boonies´s last post…Wine Tutorial

  3. BalancingMama (Julie) March 4, 2012 at 1:10 PM #

    Hugs and prayers to them and to you! So difficult.

    BalancingMama (Julie)´s last post…Just the simple things

  4. thedoseofreality March 4, 2012 at 9:45 AM #

    Seems to be that your response was perfectly normal. I do hate that you were sucker punched on top of it, because that just doesn’t seem fair or right. Here is hoping today serves you something better…like bacon.

    thedoseofreality´s last post…My Doctor Was Right: “Fitness” Really Is “The Solution”

  5. Kristin March 4, 2012 at 1:42 AM #

    I think we should all be allotted a few do overs for moments like that. {{{Hugs}}}

    Kristin´s last post…Are they too much like me?

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