for the love of punishment

This was posted with Rachael’s knowledge and agreement

Last week Rachael pulled a behavior she knew we really disagreed with and she knew the punishment for. HOT SAUCE.

When our kids lie to lie to us it’s a very serious thing and we go with s punishment we know won’t hurt them but they hate. We have tried talking, grounding, taking away privileges, this is a stubborn  child and punishment for her has be extreme.

Then I was shown this video of a mom who punished her child with with hot sauce and a cold shower.

I’ll say it for you. What a BITCH!

So, stunned that this woman would treat another person, let alone a child, this way, this way I had Rachael watch the video and got her reaction.

Watch her eyes.

Rachael’s reaction to hot sauce video. from Anissa Mayhew on Vimeo.

It is painful to watch.

The point I wanted to make wasn’t that I’m not a bad mom because I choose a method of punishment that you may may not.

The point I wanted to make was that any punishment if taken past the point of caring for the child can be abuse.

You feel superior because you have never spanked your child, but in truth the words you have used and the way you emotionally manipulated them can have  just as harsh an outcome.

You are appalled that I would publicly admit to putting a few drops of Tabasco on a butter knife and then on my child’s tongue, then letting her  go drink milk to soothe the burn. Would you rather I knowingly raise someone who will look  you look you in the eye and lie yo you without remorse?

I have been hurt by liars. I won’t have them in my house. I will teach my kids there are serious repercussions for not telling the truth but we don’t cross that line into abuse.

Because the most important lesson I teach them is that everything done, fun or punishment, is with love.

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15 Responses to for the love of punishment

  1. defendUSA September 4, 2012 at 9:33 AM #

    I couldn’t watch the mean lady do that to such a small child. Your daughter understands much more than this little guy. He will grow up hating her in the end for what he remembers. My Dad used dish soap for a punishment because I mimicked him when he swore. I had no idea what it meant and I wanted to be like him. I never forgot it. And today, I would do something similar. However, that mom was abusing the boy. And it makes me cringe.

  2. me August 30, 2012 at 4:42 PM #

    What an absolute disgrace!! I am a mum of 4 kids who at some point over the years have all told a little fib to get out of something they have done!, each time it’s been delt with in a way where they have been told off, had something taken away or simply had it explained to them that it’s wrong, thankfully they are now all at an age where they can decide for themselves what’s right from wrong (the youngest being 7) Never EVER no matter how big the lie was would i or my husband ever speak to or treat any of our kids in that manner……….FUMING is the polite way to put how i feel at the moment! :O

  3. Karen Sugarpants August 28, 2012 at 12:24 PM #

    As a child, I suffered very real, physical & emotional abuse. Watching that video made me cry uncontrollably. It was a huge trigger. It wasn’t as much the hot sauce & cold shower, however cruel I believed her to be – it was the horrible tone in which she handled the discussion with her child. That boy was physically affected by both punishments, but more-so by the words coming out of his mother’s mouth. It was clear to me that her words came from a place of anger, and her actions were definitely because she knew no other way to punish her child. Maybe that’s how she was raised. Absolutely horrid and I hope she gets help.
    Maybe I overcompensate with my own kids in employing different tactics for punishment (grounding, talking, positive reinforcement for good behaviour). Maybe I’m too easy on them. Maybe I teach them to make choices rather than jump on them for every mistake. And lastly – maybe I’m really lucky that the worst things my kids do is bicker with each other.
    While I personally feel any form of physical punishment is unnecessary under MY roof, my family isn’t the same as your family and I certainly don’t judge how you handle things with a few drops of hot sauce. What works in my house may not work in yours, just like breastfeeding vs. bottle. Who cares as long as the kids aren’t being abused?

    Karen Sugarpants´s last post…An Interview With a (Not Dead) (Not Quite Famous) Celebrity

  4. Karen August 28, 2012 at 7:45 AM #

    As a primary school teacher, I’ll stick that hat on and point out that what you’re really talking about here are “logical consequences” rather than “punishment”. Punitive methods tend to be the ones that either go way beyond something that is reasonable or have absolutely no bearing on the behaviour you’re attempting to address. It is often the result of power-play tactics and an attempt to restore control. Often, it doesn’t address or hold much relevance to the actual behaviour.

    Consequences, on the other hand, are things that happen because of choices you make and either occur naturally or can be constructed to reflect the potential for worse consequences later. It can be the broken toy that was thrown too hard against a brick wall or it can be a loss of computer privileges because the child was trying to sneak online after they’d been sent to bed, for instance. Because the role of parents is to guide their children and, to a certain extent, create an environment where consequences are modeled in order to teach and nurture, it usually falls to you to come up with some way to represent the consequence of a bad choice without actually letting them simply experience it for themselves. After all, when it comes to the more substantial values, such as truthfulness and trustworthiness, if you let things run their course so that the child can eventually ‘learn’ from their choices, the damage is often done. Not all consequences are immediate but life lessons often have to be so that they sink in.

    It seems to me that because Anissa’s method includes a physical element, people are jumping very quickly on the ‘that’s abuse’ bandwagon. Are you absolutely sure that a ‘burning’ tongue, one that isn’t actually suffering any damage, can be lumped together with burning children with cigarettes, beating them with planks of wood, pushing their heads underwater, failing to feed and clothe them, failing to seek medical treatment for them when necessary….? This ‘abuse is abuse’ cliche is touted about so much that people have completely switched off to what it’s actually implying.

    What is more, there are startling figures out there at the moment that suggest as many as 1 in 7 children is at risk of mental illness. What’s more, only 1 in 4 of those children will ever receive adequate help, yet we still live in a society where outrage is directed primarily at the physical treatment of children to the detriment of dialogue that addresses their emotional well-being. Do we issue logical consequences that address a point of learning the child will need as part of their natural development into fully functioning members of society or do we simply take away their television privileges because they didn’t do as they were told? Ultimately, if children see it as a punishment then it is more likely that it will continue to be just that to them. Something to endure because of failure, something enforced by an adult and, often, assumed to be simply something that the adult wants. Punishment doesn’t always teach them how to avoid it next time. It certainly doesn’t always show them why the behaviour needed the punishment in the first place.

    And yet, you know what? Most of still love our children with everything we have. Funny how that doesn’t guarantee you perfection.

    I offer no judgment on Anissa’s choices because they are her own and I do not believe she abuses her children. There is no sign of willful neglect on her part or excessive control, be it physical violence or emotional and mental torment, and thus I will not insult her by lumping her in with the trash who refuse to afford their children even the most basic of human decencies. Be careful with the words you throw around. If you are less than precise with them, you leave us with nothing to describe acts that truly do need to be brought out of the silence they evoke.

    I will say this though as a reflection on my experience with lying. I went through a stage as a child where I found the truth difficult. It did not last very long but I suppose I tested the water a bit and I have certainly never forgotten the logical consequence my mother employed. After the usual long chat involving the importance of having your word trusted, she set up a bit of a test with me. The day after, she was going to tell me one lie and I had to see if I could figure out what it was. At the end of the day, she sat me down to talk about it and asked me how I had felt knowing that anything she said could have been the lie I was looking for. I can still remember to this day how exhausting that day was! I had never before really questioned my mother’s honesty and to have a whole day trying to figure out if I could trust what she was saying was unsettling to say the least. When she posed the question, “now suppose I was a person who lied all the time,” I remember connecting with how horrible that would be. Having a real experience to link it with was a damn good reminder in the future, let me tell you.

    And you know the really weird thing? I don’t remember what the lie actually was! It really wasn’t the important thing.

    • Marie August 30, 2012 at 12:17 AM #

      When I saw the heading of your latest blog post I literally shivered. I had seen the Dr. Phil show when that lady was on and had watched the video. I was absolutely horrified by her behavior. The little boy was so frightened that he could hardly speak. He knew what was coming and because it was so awful he chose to lie. I would have too! She scared me! She was so out of control that the daughter felt she needed to film it.

      I like Karen’s mother’s method. If you do not know what is coming out of your mother’s mouth, whether it was a lie or the truth, you would know that trust is very important. I think that’s a very important lesson.

      Please find another way to punish for lying. Maybe try this one above.

      Good luck
      Marie

  5. Maggie S. August 28, 2012 at 7:07 AM #

    Stay the course. Grounding doesn’t work. I like them a lot better now than I did nearly a month ago, but they have continued the behavior.

    Hot sauce and vinegar never worked with my daughters. And wouldn’t with my son. He’s from China and eats chili sauce with a spoon,

    Maggie S.´s last post…Monday Morning

  6. The Animated Woman August 27, 2012 at 7:49 PM #

    I’ve never heard of punishing bad behaviour by hotsauce before…is it common?

    The Animated Woman´s last post…Hotel Roomate Beauty TIPS.

    • Anissa Mayhew August 27, 2012 at 8:55 PM #

      No, it isn’t even common in our house, just when they choose to lie and we have only had Rachael have to have it more than once.

      We can use more traditional methods for other things.

  7. DogsDontPurr August 27, 2012 at 6:08 PM #

    What concerns me is the use of food/spice/condiments/pepper as punishment. Will she, later in life, associate spicy food with punishment? Will this ruin the enjoyment of all kinds of cuisines that are hot and spicy? Could this trigger an eating disorder?

    I would think the first thing to do is figure out what is triggering the bad behavior/lying and address that.

    The idea of any punishment by mouth makes me sick to my stomach.

    • Anissa Mayhew August 27, 2012 at 6:44 PM #

      You assume that we AREN’T trying to figure what is causing the lying, but still need to punish the incident.

      This punishment hasn’t caused an eating problem anymore than grounding her from her belongings turns her into an episode of “Hoarders”.

      I would rather you be sickened be my punishment method than have have children grow up to be liars with no second thought.

  8. Vertical Mom August 27, 2012 at 2:16 PM #

    Punishment in our house is most severe for lying, as well. They might not have been punished for the infraction but if they lied about it they WILL be punished. If a child learns to lie easily, with no conscience about it, it’s the first step, the necessary precursor, to more egregious behavior.

    Vertical Mom´s last post…Only One Other

  9. Adrian August 27, 2012 at 1:32 PM #

    I guess the question is, did it work? I struggle with this one as my 14 YO son can lie like a rug on the floor! He knows better, he knows it bugs me more than ANYTHING else in the world, but he still does it – way too often.

    I usually will double up his punishment if he does something wrong and then lies about it, but like your daughter, he’s a stubborn one. Usually, I have him write the Scout law – 50 times or more – A Scout is loyal, trustworthy, etc. It’s a long one, so it usually takes him an hour, but I can tell that it doesn’t make much of an impression on him. Maybe I’ll have to try to hot sauce trick instead. He would definitely hate that, but it’s hard to do with a kid that’s bigger than you are.

    Adrian´s last post…Smart Money: Used vs. New?

    • Anissa Mayhew August 27, 2012 at 1:46 PM #

      We’ve only done the hot sauce punishment a handful of times. It’s one of those things that seem to work while it’s a fresh memory.

      We did it once with my son. Never had to do it again.

      It just really depends on their personality.

  10. Anissa Mayhew August 27, 2012 at 6:54 PM #

    “handful of times” = 6 times with 3 kids over 14 years, and I still didn’t use as much as much hot sauce as she did in one video.

    Putting a cigarette out on a child is the thought process of bent mind. It would never occur to us Just this week we asked that same child was asked if she wanted buffalo sauce or bbq wing sauce? Without the words “hot sauce” to make it a big deal there was no reaction except to tell us she preferred bbq.

    I’m sorry you think we abuse our children.

  11. Karen August 29, 2012 at 5:13 AM #

    This is a cowardly comment. It serves no purpose other than ,I suppose, to make you feel sanctimonious and self-righteous.

    Firstly, don’t label an entire person because of one piece of behaviour you don’t approve of. If you find the behaviour disgusting, then say so. I am reasonably certain you have no grounds upon which to judge Anissa in her entirety.

    Secondly, if you’re going to go this far, then make your comment worth something. Even if she was doing something terrible, what did you do to suggest anything constructive that might help her alter her methods? Where in this comment did you offer alternatives or even a reason for your opinion? Quite simply put, you didn’t. If you feel so strongly that what she is doing is incorrect then why on earth did you not make some attempt to appeal to her to change? This is the type of behaviour we see from people who merely watch accident scenes. Who stand there and film whilst acts of violence are perpetrated. Who spend their life telling the world what they think of it without ever once offering to pitch in and make it better. You are nothing more than another villager waving a pitchfork, hurling insults and making no legitimate footprint on the world around you. If all you have to offer is judgment without guidance then you just wasted the time it took you to respond.

    The world cares less about what you think of it than you realise. I hope Anissa reads this and simply feels as sorry for you as I do because you are clearly a person with some means to make a difference; you’re just choosing not to.

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