startling realization

There I am, just days away from the biggest event I’ve ever organized and I have this moment of clarity.

I’m literally sitting on the toilet (bear with me) where I sit to change clothes and I can’t get my leg out of my jeans. I’m struggling with my pants that are stuck on my non-moving foot, I reach down to pull on the denim when  I overbalance and nearly faceplant.

I catch my self in the nick of time with my left arm and keep myself from an inglorious dump on the tile.

I sit on the toilet with the pants around my ankles, waiting for my racing heart to slow.

I look in the bedroom with the boxes full of swag and prizes piled up and think, “WTH am I doing? What makes me think I can do this when I can’t even pull my pant off without falling? I’m paralyzed. I AM.”

I close my eyes. Tears bubble to the surface.

I open my eyes and look at the arm that lies limply at my side.

I look at the leg that caused me so much trouble to start with.

My eyes wander over to the wheelchair that is my only mode of transportation.

The voices in my head start again. Why are you doing this? Let the non-crippled do this. You can’t lift those boxes. You can’t drive yourself there. You’re pretty useless in a fire. 

They were totally right.

Those voices in my head.

The people with two arms and two legs do it faster and better. I can’t move a box worth crap. Me driving is a pretty scary thought. In case of fire do not use wheelchair.

My 8yo came in and said,” Are you almost done? I need your help with something.”

Then she flounced out.

She didn’t stop to ask if it was something I COULD do it , she just assumed I WOULD, somehow. The way I have done so many things.

For a moment I truly doubted my ability to do any of it.

Then I realized it wasn’t my ability to do that mattered, it was my skill to make things happen.

Follow #NonCon to laugh along with us 

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14 Responses to startling realization

  1. Arnebya October 16, 2012 at 12:52 PM #

    It always takes our kids to bring us away from the lyingbitchvoice. Our kids don’t have any damns left to give about whether we CAN. We have shown them that we just DO. You can and will do all that you want/need to. You will find a way. See yourself as your kids do and you’ll believe it too (and call the lyingbitchvoice a liar).

    Arnebya´s last post…The Bright Side of 39 (and a letter to myself)

  2. Alex@LateEnough October 16, 2012 at 8:59 AM #

    Kids don’t let us get away with many moments of feeling sorry for ourselves even when we are REALLY sure we deserve that moment. Damn those kids in the best way possible. Glad the conference went well.

    Alex@LateEnough´s last post…I Am Going To Become A Nun When Scott Leaves Or Dies And It Is Going To Rock (The Nun Part)

  3. Jayme @RandomBlogette October 15, 2012 at 6:47 PM #

    You are quite an amazing person. I followed #NonCon this past weekend and I was in awe of its awesomeness. You did an amazing job. I only wish that I was there to have met you in person. One day I will and that will be amazing.

    Jayme @RandomBlogette´s last post…The Sarcasm Is Strong In This One

  4. Alexandra October 15, 2012 at 3:13 AM #

    I can’t type because I can’t see the keyboard through my tears.

    I don’t know what to say other than you are larger than life to me, and I love you.

    Alexandra

    Alexandra´s last post…ICYMI

  5. TechyDad October 11, 2012 at 1:22 PM #

    Whenever I go to a conference, I think to myself “What are you doing? You’re no good at socializing!” To some extent it’s true. I’m much better at socializing when I’m safe behind the computer than face to face. (I’ve recently learned more about the reasons behind this which means it’s not something I’ll simply “get over.”) However, when I was at Disney this past May, I heard Lisa Druxman speak. She mentioned about how gremlins will sit on your shoulder and tell you you can’t do things. The trick is to knock them off your shoulder.

    My gremlins tell me that I’m completely unable to socialize so I need to knock them off my shoulder and go to face-to-face social events. I only wish I was able to go to NonCon. (Hopefully next year.)

    TechyDad´s last post…App Analysis: Bad Piggies

  6. Jenn October 10, 2012 at 1:01 PM #

    I have two working arms and two working legs, and in my experience so far, I’m pretty useless in a fire, too. (I stand there and flap and point and scream for someone else to put it out and save my burning pot holders and don’t let the entire kitchen burn down.)

    Kids are great at putting things into perspective sometimes… and eight year old girls (my daughter is turning 8 in a few weeks) are especially great at assuming you WILL do things, and at flouncing. ;)

    Good luck with your event!

    Jenn´s last post…Of course my car would wait until it’s cold to stop producing heat.

  7. Twenty Four At Heart October 10, 2012 at 12:36 PM #

    Yeah, I flunked EVERYTHING at PT yesterday and the tears came. I had to stop and remind myself I have come a long way even if I have an even longer way to go. You DO because it is so much better than giving up. Also, I think you and I are both stubborn bitches! : )
    I love you for that!!

    Twenty Four At Heart´s last post…The Painted Ladies, San Francisco

  8. kyooty October 10, 2012 at 8:31 AM #

    Enjoy yourself, isn’t that what you’re planning this for? (I’m still passportless.. if only they were free, and didn’t need pictures)

    kyooty´s last post…How I Spent my Summer Vacation Part 4

    • kyooty October 10, 2012 at 8:34 AM #

      And this is why you are so much further ahead of me! your mind is taking the leap to get things done, mine? hiding in my pjs on the rocking chair typing and reading other people’s lives. I lost a dear friend last week, she was 39, and I’ve been telling myself since then I have to live the life I’ve got, and today you pointed out what I’m not doing. Darn living! it takes so much out of a person.

      kyooty´s last post…How I Spent my Summer Vacation Part 4

  9. Maggie S. October 10, 2012 at 7:52 AM #

    Oh, my. You have reached in my soul and put your finger right on how I see myself. And it matters right now, today.

    I don’t know if I’m going to be able to follow.because I’m so sad not to be going.

    Maggie S.´s last post…Mask

  10. Laurie October 10, 2012 at 1:42 AM #

    I’m pretty useless in a fire, too.

    It all evens out, somehow. I don’t know how, so that’s a pretty stupid thing to say, but it sounds good. Let’s go with it.

    Laurie´s last post…How not to traffic drugs across the country but look like you are apparently

  11. Jasmine October 10, 2012 at 1:14 AM #

    Bittersweet and honest truth. I’ll see you tomorrow, with my two arms and two legs to move things where you tell me. You are a good leader, I’ve learned so much from you already.

    Jasmine´s last post…Fat People Are EVERYWHERE! My Doctor Wants Me To Get Weight Loss Surgery

  12. Kristin October 10, 2012 at 12:49 AM #

    Thank you Anissa. I really needed to read this. I really needed the reminder that we can fulfill different roles and still be doing our job.

    Kristin´s last post…To the Ass Clown who stole my mother’s purse

  13. Melinda October 10, 2012 at 12:47 AM #

    I never even thought of your handicap as something that would get in the way of the conference. You are Anissa. You will get it done. I have always thought of you as this very capable and strong willed woman. I have never once thought of you as that chick in the wheelchair. I have never thought once you couldn’t do something you were chatting about doing. You are awesome. *hugs*

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