friends don’t let friends choose to be douchebiscuits

At the start of my day, whether by sun, bladder, child or alarm, I always take a moment to mentally assess that things are the same as they are when I went to sleep.

My leg, my arm, my face, my eyes.

With the mental checklist run I swing my legs off the bed. This involves pushing my right leg with my left leg and with just enough force it also spins my torso. Lodging the left foot under my wheelchair and grabbing the mattress, I pull mysel erect.

I reach and grab my phone and tuck it over my right breast. I wear a sports bra to bed so I’ll have a place to keep my phone. I never am never without it. I have fallen too many times to ever take that chance.

I make sure both wheelchair brakes are on. I live with little girls.

I take a deep breath and push up from the mattress, turning on one foot, gripping the handle tightly. There is a moment of every “transfer” where I’m between two surfaces that I know the outcome could go either way. 99.9% it goes fine. That .1%? It hurts emotionally if not physically.

Once I’m in my wheelchair, I reach for the straps of my seatbelt. I used to hate the idea of a seatbelt. Then I started using a wheelchair all the time. I’ve been almost dumped, suddenly jerked, forced to curb hop, every manner of seatbelt-testing activity.

Take the brakes off. Put my arm in the armrest. Put my foot down ready to go.

With my left hand I steer the chair while my leg powers it towards the bathroom. I pull my hand in at the doorway because I have learned that my wheelchair is narrow enough for the doorway. Not with a hand, though.

I wheel past the toilet I have to use so badly, I reach for clean clothes to change into.

Once I’m fully ready with an outfit I head out of the closet.

I take hold of the grab bar hung by the toilet. I turn and get straight. Then I put my right leg on the floor. I know the sound when it’s at the right distance.. I stand up with a world that shakes and have learned to let go of the bar so I can do what needs to me done. I pull things down, I pull things up, I do this because its important to be able to do little things for myself.

You don’t know the meaning of the word reliance until you’ve had to ask someone else to take you to the bathroom.

It could go on and on. How I brush my teeth, take a shower, these tiny physical challenges.

Would I choose that this wasn’t my burden to bear? I’m not stupid. Of course.

But it IS mine. Wishing thing were different won’t change the fact that I have to get out of bed every day.

I had the choice to give up. Have someone else do all the hard work and just lay in a bed feeling bad for the life I’d been given.

I watch people. I listen. One thing about s speech issue is that you tend to listen more, to see more of the world going  on around you.You see the the hearts that work at greatness, to love with wild abandon. You see the souls taking their tentative steps into the light, hoping to find reassurance rain down in the soft beams.You hear those that give  words of softness but then betray by the actions of hardness.

Yes, it is a hard road I’ve chosen.

Just getting out of bed is daily trial.

THIS WAS A CHOICE.

What happens to you is beyond your control, but your reactions are totally your choice.

Just because you suffer doesn’t mean you get te be a douchebiscuit.

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24 Responses to friends don’t let friends choose to be douchebiscuits

  1. JackieC November 22, 2012 at 12:02 AM #

    Where do cigs go if the phone is in your bra?

  2. Arnebya November 16, 2012 at 9:02 AM #

    The part about controlling our response? Absolutely perfectly stated. I’m glad you keep getting up.

    Arnebya´s last post…Because

  3. Galit Breen November 16, 2012 at 7:58 AM #

    Wow.

    I’m really blown away by this one.

    {And slightly silenced, which is unusual for me.}

    But mostly humbled. Life is a series of choices, yes?

    Fabulous, inspiring post.

    Galit Breen´s last post…The Magic of Family Photos {& 100 Free Cards from Minted!}

  4. Kristen Mae November 15, 2012 at 10:34 AM #

    Douchebiscuit. What is it with the word “douche” lately? I’ve been saying “douche-canoe” in reference to people who are unnecessarily nasty. It’s kind of ironic that “douche” means “cleans.” =)

    This was a very humbling post that I really needed to read right now. I’m going to put on my big-girl pants and stop whining like a big douchebiscuit and get some shit done.

    Thanks.

    Kristen Mae´s last post…Losing My Shiz – ADHD and Me, Part Two

  5. Katherine Stone (@postpartumprog) November 15, 2012 at 9:56 AM #

    Great post Anissa. It reminds me of how hard it is for those of us not in a wheelchair to begin to imagine how many obstacles there are in front of you. I ended up in a wheelchair for a very brief period in my life, and I remember being shocked at how hard it was to do things like even open the heavy door of a retail store.

    P.S. You’re amazing.

    Katherine Stone (@postpartumprog)´s last post…Postpartum Depression Could Cost US More Than $1 Billion Annually

  6. Alison November 15, 2012 at 8:26 AM #

    Taking that choice is brave. Whether you feel that you had a choice to choose (does that sound weird), you are brave, truly.
    Also, douchebiscuit. Best word ever.

    Alison´s last post…Sons And Daughters

  7. thedoseofreality November 15, 2012 at 7:56 AM #

    You know, I wish my mother could have read this post. I wonder if it would have helped her. I don’t know, honestly, but I will tell you that it helped me. Thank you.

    thedoseofreality´s last post…“SITS” Yourself Down!

  8. Rosstwinmom November 15, 2012 at 7:29 AM #

    I keep trying to tell my son Alex that you choose to be unhappy about things that happen that you don’t like. He’s only 5, but I see him hold on to a hurt so much longer than necessary, and it scares me that he’ll be sad a lot when he grows up. I wish I knew how to teach him this lesson.

    I do know that you have reinforced that my goal with him is right. I can’t have a kid spend his life being sad about little things when he basically has the best life.

  9. Jenna November 15, 2012 at 6:41 AM #

    This was… amazing. Thank you for writing and sharing it.

  10. Jamie@SouthMainMuse November 15, 2012 at 5:17 AM #

    I for one, am so glad you chose to get out of bed and write this post. It stamped deep into my heart.

    Jamie@SouthMainMuse´s last post…Blurb Photo Books Preserve My Instalife.

  11. Mamacita November 15, 2012 at 12:49 AM #

    You. . . . you. . . . you. . . . I love you so much. Also? You have added so many new, cool words and expressions to my vocabulary – douchebiscuit is my new favorite.

    Mamacita´s last post…Ten Things I STILL Haven’t Done Yet. . . .

  12. holly November 15, 2012 at 12:35 AM #

    you are ah-mazing. so brave. so inspirational.

    holly´s last post…Chocolate, Chiles and Plenty of Cacti at the Desert Botanical Garden

  13. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting November 14, 2012 at 11:28 PM #

    I love you. So so sooooooo much.

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting´s last post…Homeowners and Gardeners, Can You Help? What IS This?

  14. Lynn November 14, 2012 at 11:25 PM #

    LOVE it and some much needed perspective for everyone. Well Said!

    Lynn´s last post…Walmart 2012 Black Friday UPDATE: Get Black Friday Prices NOW with Layaway!

  15. Kim Tracy Prince November 14, 2012 at 10:42 PM #

    Heh heh. You said “douchebiscuit.”

    Kim Tracy Prince´s last post…Wordless Wednesday: The Zombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us

  16. Sherry Carr-Smith November 14, 2012 at 11:32 AM #

    Today, I pledge not to be a Douchebiscuit.

    Sherry Carr-Smith´s last post…Veterans Day, Grandma, and Military Wives

  17. Apryl November 14, 2012 at 9:47 AM #

    Your strength is incredible.

  18. Shannon November 14, 2012 at 9:28 AM #

    I really don’t know how to respond – what to say – except that I will take these words – your words – with me through this day, and hopefully into my tomorrow, and they will affect the way I think and feel and react.
    Your words? They stick. They travel. They give. Thank you for sharing them with us.

    Shannon´s last post…Up and Away

  19. TracyinSuburbia November 14, 2012 at 9:07 AM #

    I was having the shittiest day… dog had diarrhea all over the floor… discovered a huge chunk of our aluminum siding had been ripped off during the storm (and how did we not notice that?)… and, woe is me… we still have no internet and I am forced to do all my surfing by phone. Then I read your blog and realized what a douchebiscuit I am (thanks for the new phrase).
    Thank you for the gift of perspective and for showing me what true grace is.

    Mwuh!

  20. Naked Girl in a Dress November 14, 2012 at 8:57 AM #

    We really can’t control many life events, but I do agree we can control how we respond. I am glad you make the choice to get up each day–for your family, but also for your readers. It’s great to have you be a part of the vibrant group of writers online. You make a significant contribution daily.

    Naked Girl in a Dress´s last post…Happy Fake Thanksgiving

  21. Tina SendChocolate Cruz November 14, 2012 at 3:49 AM #

    YOU. are my hero. Ok?

  22. Anne (@notasupermom) November 13, 2012 at 10:40 PM #

    I think you are wonderful.

  23. Karen Sugarpants November 13, 2012 at 9:55 PM #

    I absolutely love this, so much. May I share it with my nursing class? I think they need to understand the beginning part just as much as the important message at the end. Great post, Anissa.

    Karen Sugarpants´s last post…When She Was Good, She Was Very Very Good

    • Anissa Mayhew November 13, 2012 at 9:57 PM #

      Absolutely xoxox!

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