do i love you more?

Nathaniel was born in 1998. Rachael came in 2001. Peyton arrived in 2003.

As my friend Robin likes to say, I made humans with my genitals.

As an adopted child with no way of finding the birth parents I felt profoundly moved the first time I held someone related to me by shared blood.

Nathaniel was a perfect first child. I was lucky to get a happy, sleeping  charming  first baby. He soothed me through hard moves, he made me smile on bleak days, he was a thing of joy that made every part of my life better and brighter.

In the months before Rachael was in my arms I watched my stomach grow rounder with her presence.

I would put my hand on the firmness of the new life I was growing and wonder to myself, “I was enthralled with every part of Nathaniel. Was it possible to love another person as much? Would I feel unfair to this new baby because the emotion I felt for Nathaniel was beyond words. It consumed me. Did I have enough to give without taking away from my son? Would a second child make me less of a mother to both?”

I truly didn’t know if I had enough to give two babies.

The doctor laid her on my stomach. I was sweaty, tired and still in pain from pushing her out.

It was the most incredible experience. In that moment I knew that there was no question of being able to love her enough. I was already in love with this little person. As I watched Nathaniel croon to his new baby sister there was no question of being capable of loving them.

There was no doubt about the capacity of my soul to surround this new baby too.  She was born, I adored her too.

My heart grew again.

Now they’re older. They are becoming the adults they will grow into. I see bit and pieces of inherited personality. I watch unique people emerging.

Can I love them all the same?

Hell no.

When they ask me I’ll tell each of them they’re my favorite.

But I tell them there’s no way I can love them the same.

I love them all equally. I don’t love any one more than I love the others but I love them for the very different people they are. THEY aren’t the same so how could I love them the sane?

They’re starting to GET that.

I’m incapable of describing my love for my children in a way that doesn’t diminish my feelings to simple words.

I hope they’ll understand that.

Maybe they won’t until they have children of their own.

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5 Responses to do i love you more?

  1. Vikki January 3, 2013 at 11:29 AM #

    My daughter (my second child) asks me all the time about my levels of love for her and her brother. I say what you say, “I love you the same but differently.” Then, she says, “Fine but if we were both falling off a cliff, which one of us would you save?” Ha.

    Vikki´s last post…The Year of the Fox

  2. Maggie S. January 3, 2013 at 9:55 AM #

    This is an argument my husband and his siblings were still having when their mother died, and would have today. My niece and nephew once told me that their grandmother would never love my children like she loved them. “They keep using that word; I do not think it means what they think it means”.

    We speak often of my children’s birthparents and that it’s okay to love them even though they haven’t met, yet. And they already know it is a different kind of love.

    There are a lot of different kinds of love.

    Maggie S.´s last post…New Year’s Resolutions: Reverent, Requisite, Real

  3. Mary/Kyooty January 3, 2013 at 8:16 AM #

    My Mom had 5 children and the one thing she told me all along was there are “no favorites”. The words bring hurt as much as Best friends. It doesn’t matter how old you are there are different loves and likes and levels but I think these words can bring on feelings of being left out or hurt or can also be uses against other children. I have though caught myself saying “you are my favorite middle son” because luckily there is only 1 middle, or my favorite red head, and my favorite youngest but it’s a point where they all know I’m making fun. And of course they’ve grown enough at 13,11 and 8 to poke at each other with it.
    I can remember asking my mom about whether I was the favorite, and I can remember “I love all my children” because she knew it was something that could go wrong. LOL Also she came from a house of 8 kids herself. She probably heard the very same thing. :)

    Mary/Kyooty´s last post…Good Bye 2012

    • Mary/Kyooty January 3, 2013 at 8:18 AM #

      BTW of course she loved me the most, I was the first, if it weren’t for me she’d have closed up shop long before 4 and 5 showed up. I prepared her for excellence. My youngest sister of course says “well after me they couldn’t get any more perfect?” I then of course point out she didn’t come alone. (twin).

      Mary/Kyooty´s last post…Good Bye 2012

    • Anissa Mayhew January 3, 2013 at 9:30 AM #

      The thing about “fave” is so true. It’s a joke around here because they know there is no favorite. I love that they’re confident in my love to ask if they’re my fave in front of their sibling knowing i’ll give the same answer to the next one to ask. “fave” has ne place amongst my kids.

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