the view from up here

When I learned to let go of the safety grab bar by the toilet so I could pull down my clothes I felt a supreme satisfaction. It was a mental battle to put faith in something I couldn’t feel. I trusted my leg to hold me up and learned to rely on the familiar routine of my body.

It was something I’d come to depend on.

It would be my only chances to fully stand some days.

And I would look down. Not with fear, but with the abstract thought of what a long fall it was.

I no longer have that abstract thought. I can no longer look down without the fear of falling.

Remembering the slow-motion fall hitting my face and arm, seeing the floor rushing up to my face, throwing my left arm up to protect my head and the unplaceable pain in my right side.

HITTING.

Hearing the sound my body makes when it smacks concrete.

I see the door I struck and know its harder than human bone.

The pain of the moment of impact and the bone that needed to fixed has been nothing compared to the fear I now feel.

The fear that the satisfaction is gone forever.

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4 Responses to the view from up here

  1. Megan March 5, 2013 at 1:26 PM #

    The things we take for granted.

    I believe you are stronger than fear, that you will prevail in time.

    Megan´s last post…Drafting

  2. Alexandra March 5, 2013 at 8:39 AM #

    .. and thanking the keyboard gods and my brain that I didn’t say “and she RIGHTS for us.”

    xo
    Going to leave you alone now.
    But not really.

    Alexandra´s last post…Did I Ever Tell You About The Time…

  3. Alexandra March 5, 2013 at 8:39 AM #

    Ack!! “Here” “HERE” to listen.

    (don’t want to listen my job at AL over that!) *sheesh. woman doesn’t even know the difference between here and hear and she writes for us????

    xo

    Alexandra´s last post…Did I Ever Tell You About The Time…

  4. Alexandra March 5, 2013 at 8:38 AM #

    I love you, Anissa. I am hear to listen, and you can tell me about your life. I don’t know what this is like, but I do know how to really listen, and feel.

    xo

    Alexandra´s last post…Did I Ever Tell You About The Time…

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