why you shouldn’t write on Monday

There I am, laying in bed, thinking of the things that have changed in the past few years. The thing on my body that have stronger, things that have gotten worse.

I think, mostly, of my kids in relation to these changes.

How much longer will the weaknesses maintain before they just DON’T anymore?

I’m excited for our son. 15 is a great age for him, with college, driving and girls in his near future. The 12yo is a bubbling hot mess of laughter and hormones.

If I were gone tomorrow they’d have strong, full memories of me and our life. Before the strokes. After the strokes. But the 9yo breaks my heart.

She doesn’t remember what I used to look like. She doesn’t remember me when I wasn’t in a wheelchair. She doesn’t remember much life before the strokes changed it all.

If I wasn’t here, who’d make her giggle with jokes about her stuffed animals? Who would kiss her booboos? Would anyone think to run their fingers through her hair till she falls asleep?

I love all my kids with an intensity that’s painful in it’s vibrancy. Pride in who they are, the laughter we share, tears at the thought that I might not be here to be involved in their milestones.

These strokes have taught me so much about appreciating every aspect of life.

There’s no way to appreciate this.

There just isn’t.

I can’t think about not being a part of their lives and not want to scream in anger at the body that failed me.

Then I get out of bed and hope today is full of changes for the better.

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5 Responses to why you shouldn’t write on Monday

  1. cheryl November 18, 2013 at 3:24 PM #

    I have watched you from afar for years, your writings at various places, and almost feel like I know you. I hope you realize what an amazing human being you are. I could not have made it thru the hell you went thru and still are. Humbling it is.

  2. Alexandra November 5, 2013 at 8:24 AM #

    I get you in my mailbox, and read, so I know how you are, but a post like this, I have to click over.. when I am grateful for your words, because YES, this is how we all need to talk to ourselves. It’s so easy for pity parties to begin… when we start to think things are about us… they’re not. It’s how OTHERS need us in their lives. THANK YOU, A. xo

    • Anissa Mayhew November 5, 2013 at 11:17 AM #

      I love you so much!

  3. Caz Stone November 4, 2013 at 4:38 PM #

    You know how powerful your writing is? Do you every think about how one day they’ll know you through that, if you’re here or if you’re not? And that’s no substitute for you being there and it’s horrible to think of, but is it maybe something?

    Caz Stone´s last post…So worry not, all things are well

    • Anissa Mayhew November 4, 2013 at 10:28 PM #

      I can’t say THANK YOU enough for this!

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