When I started writed in 2006 Peyton had just gotten sick. I blogged to keep friends and family updated, it slowly morphed into a place where I vented about the horror of watching my baby in so much pain, I could honestly talk about the good and bad of the life I found myself chin-deep in, and as Peyton’s cancer battle finally relaxed I was able to use my site to support others and be an example of “IT DOES END” that so many parents needed to see.
Then I quit.
I made the choice to close Peyton’s site because it was exactly that: Peyton’s site. Not mine.
I felt like I couldn’t sit and write about myself at a site with her name in the title. Then I thought of Rachael and Nathaniel. I’d written about them for years on their sister’s site, but how fair to them to have Peyton’s name in the title, never theirs.
When I cam home after having my strokes I wrote almost every day. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t insightful, but I did it and it was a good reminder of my recovery.
I’ve not been writing as much as of late.
Part of that is because I’ve been miserably sick since Christmas.
But the bigger part is that I’ve been searching for my purpose in blogging.
I don’t want to be a “mommyblogger”. My kids are kickass but you can read about be telling you HOW kickass they are so many times.
I can’t be a foodie because I don’t cook anything I’d want to take pictures of.
I’d love to go back to photography nut the strokes did take that away.
I’m lucky to be friends with Katherine from Postpartum Progress. She’s an incredible writer and outrageously fun person. I respect her so much for taking something she feels strongly about and helping others feel supported and educated in dealing in their own lives. She has purpose.
So 4+ years after the strokes and I’m still learning to deal and struggling with the changes in my body. Its hard to blog about it because I feel like I ride a fine line with whining and being grateful to be alive.
When I write I have to feel there’s a PURPOSE to my words. Not just to anyone that reads but a reason for me to through the struggle of sitting at my computer.
Because that’s what it is.
It’s a struggle to ignore the pain in my eyes and type everything with one finger.
It’s worth it some days.
I search for purpose others.