i want to be buried in my “i love jake ryan” shirt

I’m pretty sure I’m dying.

I’ve had bronchitis since Christmas, I keep forgetting to take my night meds so my bp is wonky and Web MD said this strange mole is probable pancreatic cancer. So, it’s been real ya’ll.

I can only imagine the lectures brewing right now.

You forget your meds? Are you stupid? Do you want to die? 

Yes, I forget my meds.

No, This is not a sign of my stupidity.

No, I don’t want to die.

Well, I don’t want to leave my family. I don’t want to miss their milestones. I want their hugs and laughs and stories.

I want to be a part of their lives.

Not a fading memory.

Rachael gives me a hard time about taking pictures of her. It’s hard to explain to a 12yo that in case I’m not here I want you to know that THIS is how beautiful I think you are.

 athaniel is about to turn 16 and I want to be there for his first drive.

Peyton is my baby. She’ll always be my baby. At 10yo she tells me she doesn’t really remember life before the wheelchair. I never want her to say she doesn’t remember life with her mom.

It’s hard. My body has pain, my eyes are fraked, my hearing is cluster**** and life in a wheelchair has can be a real monkeyfighter* sometimes.

Are there days I want to give up? God yes!

Do I? Never.

It’s not an option.

As important as is to me to teach my kids that I love them and I think they’re brilliant, I hope they’re also seeing that tenacity and spirit is what will get them through any tough times in their future.

*MONKEYFIGHTER –> Samuel Jackson is pretty famous for saying a particular curse word. A movie he was in was on cable tv and they had to edit out that particular word. The result was hysterical!

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One Response to i want to be buried in my “i love jake ryan” shirt

  1. Terri O January 14, 2014 at 2:08 PM #

    Monkey is my go to swear word when in the company of children or strangers :)

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