Last night I fell down.

The first time in forever, I wiped out.

And I laid on the floor with no way of getting up, feeling helpless and pretty stupid.

Now, there was no reason for me to feel foolish.  My weaker leg pulled up last minute and it caused me to get off balance and I grabbed for the wheelchair to steady myself,  but the angle was wrong and it all went OVER.  It was an accident, not because of silliness or carelessness but it’s going to happen sometime.

There is no way to tell someone flat on their back, staring up at the ceiling, alone in the dark, there’s no reason to feel stupid.

You can’t help it.

Even when you know you shouldn’t, you do anyway.

In all honesty you’ve probably never fallen on your back.  But try it sometime.  Get on your back.  Pretend you’re a turtle.

Realize there’s nothing you can do.

Falling can SUCKIT!!!

You will wake up.

You will stare at the wall.

You will wonder how this day could possibly be any different from the day before.

You find your wheelchair.

You get up.

You do your exercises and stretches.

You spend too long doing too little work.

You nap.

You play with your kids.

You laugh at bad jokes.

You read stories and give sloppy kisses good-night.

You write a story.  For the first time. For a different reason.

You head to bed.

You can start to feel a whole new sense of pride.

You’ll face a new day tomorrow.

I visited my old therapists.  These were the ones I had last before I was able to go home.

Belle, Cinderella and Jasmine.

That’s what we called them and that’s what they’ll stay.

These three ladies taught me enough so that I could go home.  They gave me what I needed to be able to do what I’ve done today.

They taught me to balance and start to walk, they taught me to get dressed by myself, they gave me my first real meals…they made me believe that I could write again.

For weeks they worked me hard.  They trained me as much as they could.

I would never have met these people if I hadn’t been in the hospital.  Had a stroke. Been in a coma.  Struggled through rehab.

The worst parts of my life still brought the most wonderful people.

Back before I had the stroke, I was a very busy blogger.

I always had someone to meet, a company to rep, a product to try.

Dude, I was busy.

I also wrote my blog that I loved, I wrote the blog that I dreamed about (and it came true),  and these were just a few of the hundred jobs I felt I had.

Did I mention that I had a husband…..not to ever forget the three kids.

Then I had the stroke that changed everything.

And I had to learn to say no.

I had to learn to turn opportunities down.

I had to get past the idea that companies would forget I existed.

And I did it like a champ.

I turned down offers to speak at things because I really couldn’t yet.

There were thing that we’d really like to have, but I’m not able to do what they’re asking yet.

I just wasn’t well enough yet.

It was all ok.

Then came an offer that seemed to pinpoint all the things most wrong with me.  It felt like it made everything worse.  Turning it down felt like complete failure.

It was the first time a job offer made me cry.

I wanted to be ok again,  I wanted for this all to have not happened.

I wanted to be normal again.

Usually there are smiles and lots of laughter but sometimes days are like this.

Then i will wipe the tears away and get back to work.