The leaves falling in autumn.

The tide’s ebb and flow.

A woman will want to change the furniture around.

OH. IT IS GOOD!

I have curbed the urge because its something i can’t do for myself.

But today i finally did it.

I told the family where to put stuff and stayed out of the way.

Part of me hurt with the inability to pitch in.

Part of me has had to acknowledge how much i do. i deserved to ask for this help.

Hard though it might be.

For all i can’t do, there’s a lot i CAN.

For now it has to be enough.

Without my husband, for the first time.

I can’t tell you that I’m not nervous.

This is the first time I’m going out since November.

November.

Last year I was going to Boston and NYC by myself.

This year dinner is a big step.

I’m going to enjoy this.

Have fun.

Learn to love this again.

In the same room as my husband, a room away from my kids.

I gritted my teeth and endured.

There were a lot of tears.

My hand that was good curled into a ball I didn’t realize until it was finally done.

And I thought about the things I could have been doing.

Walks I could have taken.

Games I could have played.

Things I could have done with no wheelchair.

Stuff that can be done with two hands.

Things I’m determined to do again.

If I was satisfied I wouldn’t put myself through this.

I wipe the tears.

I blow my nose.

I think of a future where all the pain is worthwhile.

I remember back when things were easy.

When they were simple.

When I took them for them for granted.

Then I got the offer to be a part of the GAP’s #GapMagic program.  I would be given the chance to replace jeans gone since my hospital days. Thanks to ambulance guys.

GAP didn’t know that when they offered.

I made sure they knew I wasn’t you average shopper.

I was more….complicated.

Today I showed up with my wheelchair, husband and three children.  Three kids, because a person like me that has to have help trying on has to bring the youngsters along.

And I tried on the clothes with my husband.

Outfit after outfit.

It took four times as long.

I had to breathe for a moment and not think about the last time I wore those those jeans.

I had to explain why I turned down nice offers like purses (zippers mean I can’t get them open) and new shoes (orthopedics for a reason).

But the people were as nice as people could possibly be.  They were patient and understanding.  They were friendly and funny. They were the people you wish you would get Every time in EVERY store.

A part of me cried when I recognized the sales girl who usually knew me.  She didn’t put it together.  She, that greeted me and called me by name, didn’t recognize me anymore.

It was a different experience.

Great, but different.