There are pictures from the days in the hospitals and the first days home. I’m choosing not to post those, but they were less than awesome.  Trust me on that on.It was hard feeling that everyone that knew me was staring in pity. I hated it. I was determined that if they were going to remember me for anything it was my fight and ability to smile.

BlogHer 10 at the CheeseburgHer party – My very first trip away from home.

Then Fall ’10 saw steps in the right directions.

These lovely ladies are great frinds and truly part of the support system that helped me come back.

Everything has been a struggle to connect, communicate, to make my points heard. my points were so simple.

1. If you die, will the people important to you know HOW important they are?
2. There will always be time to worry or stress about thing. Do it later, enjoy now.
3. YOU SHOULD NEVER PASS UP A CHANCE TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”.

I’ve changed.

I’ll keep changing.

I won’t ever look like I did in that in first picture, but I’ve progressed.

More importantly, my soul has progressed.

In this time that I haven’t had a “face” to carry me, I had to have strength of heart and definition of character.

The leaves falling in autumn.

The tide’s ebb and flow.

A woman will want to change the furniture around.

OH. IT IS GOOD!

I have curbed the urge because its something i can’t do for myself.

But today i finally did it.

I told the family where to put stuff and stayed out of the way.

Part of me hurt with the inability to pitch in.

Part of me has had to acknowledge how much i do. i deserved to ask for this help.

Hard though it might be.

For all i can’t do, there’s a lot i CAN.

For now it has to be enough.

Without my husband, for the first time.

I can’t tell you that I’m not nervous.

This is the first time I’m going out since November.

November.

Last year I was going to Boston and NYC by myself.

This year dinner is a big step.

I’m going to enjoy this.

Have fun.

Learn to love this again.

In the same room as my husband, a room away from my kids.

I gritted my teeth and endured.

There were a lot of tears.

My hand that was good curled into a ball I didn’t realize until it was finally done.

And I thought about the things I could have been doing.

Walks I could have taken.

Games I could have played.

Things I could have done with no wheelchair.

Stuff that can be done with two hands.

Things I’m determined to do again.

If I was satisfied I wouldn’t put myself through this.

I wipe the tears.

I blow my nose.

I think of a future where all the pain is worthwhile.