That’s the “d” word I was thinking about.

What were YOU thinking of?

Douchebandits. Douchebag McGreggor. Douchemover.

All good words to describe certain behavior.

I would LOVE to justify it by saying that *I* have never acted that way.

But I have.

So has Pete.

Out of anger. Confusion. Fear. Frustration. Hurt.

Just because I’m deciding to end a marriage for reasons that go SO MUCH deeper than you could even dream of knowing, I’m not doing it easily.

It doesn’t come painlessly.

I hurt for my kids. I hurt for myself.

And, yes, I hurt for Pete.

I just can no longer take responsibility for trying to FIX his hurt.

It was printing a picture for each year to build a timeline of PEYTON.

We printed the pictures out.  Peyton as a baby.  Peyton as a toddler.  Peyton with cancer. Peyton just before I had the strokes.

The final picture was one of my favorites.

One I had snapped of Peyton sleepy, with her arms wrapped around her daddy, looking at me from over his shoulders.

The picture showed love and total trust and safety.

I looked at that picture and it made me cry.

The me that walked along behind my husband.

The me that could just raise my camera and capture a moment.

The me that took caught our lives in picture to keep forever.

That me was gone.

Oh, she can be replaced with tools and tricks to try to make that passion live again.

But the truth is there are certain gifts that can’t be replaced.

That was one of them.

Catch me at Babble today: In The Homework Battle: Score One For The Teacher

It gets on my nerves that I have to sleep every day.

I love naps, mind you.

Don’t get me wrong.

But the fact that my body wears out and I HAVE to rest hurts me.

I have no choice.  Like a child, a nap is critical to my ability to play “Words with Friends” function.

I get blurry.  Fuzzy.  My ability to think unclear.

Then I slip under the comforter and let sleep put everything back in order.

I wish it were my decision to float away.

But it’s not.

It’s one more footprint the strokes left behind.

*********************

You can also read me at Babble today: It’s All Your Mom’s Fault You Have These Kids

or

also at CafeMOM: Five Ways To Keep The Dinner Table Popular

or

I’m guest-blogging at Life Rearranged

I wouldn’t normally do it, but this is a really good reason.

Mominations is your chance to shine a light of recognition on an incredible mom doing good work, and put her in the running for one of ten prizes of $5,000 toward her favorite charity or project. Voting ends on September 6, and we will announce the winners that you have picked on September 12.

This is my favorite cause!

And it perfectly fits because September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month.

Every child deserves the chance to grow into THIS:

Please help me win by voting (it only takes a click & a second!) and sharing this on Facebook or Twitter!