The girls would come, but HE WAS MY FIRST.

The doctor put him on my belly and I can’t even explain what happened.

The sun exploded.

Time stopped.

Everything that WAS changed.

It happened two more times.

But he was the first.

Everything with Nathaniel is a first.

Today is the day we all celebrate the first time I held this little bit of extraordinary in my arms.

Happy Birthday.

Yeah, we wished "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, UNCLE JOE" on purpose, thanks to J&V!

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At Babble you can read about more differences between what you’ve done and what you’ve been through.

I lived in this constant fear of my family leaving and not coming back.

There were cards, the kids brought gifts, we tried to celebrate together.

I remember the laughing of the kids.

I hugged them SO tight.

I was very tired, but was afraid to sleep.

I didn’t want to lose a moment of time with my family.

“Sleep, we’ll be here when you wake up.”

I remember Pete reassuring me so I would close my eyes when I needed to.

But I wouldn’t.

Peyton curled up with me.

Rachael laid her head in my arm.

Nathaniel’s hugs were long but never long enough.

They had to go home.

I had to watch them go.

I imagine being stabbed feels like a splinter compared.

I cried until I did finally sleep. The only way to escape the pain of being without them.

Yesterday I got to spend Christmas with my kids.

I was at home and knew that every smile would be captured for eternity.

The kids loved their gifts and I’m glad we were able to give them a little of material joy but I hope they remember that being together is something WE CAN’T TAKE FOR GRANTED.

It was an important letter because I wanted the kids to know that I was aware of how I’d let them down. But it didn’t mean I loved them any less.

So, I realized that if something ever happened to me I wanted the kids to have something to remember me by.

I thought about writing something private, but I also know the kids might never find it.

Dear Kids,

If you’re reading this I’ve run away with the circus and left to make my fortune in monkeys.

Ok.

Seriously.

If your reading this, it’s because something happened and I’m not able to explain this to you in person.

First, I just want you to know that YOU three were the best things I ever did in my life. Getting to be your mom was the experience beyond all others. I don’t think it’s possible for me to put in words.

Nathaniel, I hope as you become the man you are showing the signs of growing into that you will remember one of the best lines Stan Lee ever wrote: WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. You have the most incredible capability for laughter but remember you also have the chance to have a strong heart.  You will have a lot of pain, but you have this once to be the guiding force in your sisters’ lives, don’t waste it. It’s ok to cry.  Fall in love.  Remember that “Princess Bride” is one of the best movies ever. Call your dad instead of driving drunk.  Know I love you.

Rachael, you choose to think of yourself as the “middle child” but remember that I chose to think of you differently: “the infectious laugh” or “the one most like me” or “the cook”. It’s such a struggle for you to get past the idea that anyone might forget you when it’s IMPOSSIBLE. You really need to hold on to the fact that you are unique and amazing….something you might not appreciate now when you want to be just  like everyone else.  But you will.  One day.  Know that I appreciate you and who you are NOW.  And I love you.

Peyton, you my sweetie, need to keep being the kind of person who thinks the answer to universe is “pie”.  Talk about yourself in third person.  Dress in green every day.  Think your older brother and sister herd unicorn, know your daddy is there to protect you and believe in your ability to do ANYTHING.  Clean up your messes.  Put things back where you find them.  Keep giving the best hugs in the world.  I love you.

 There’s a lot of things to tell you that I didn’t.  I’ll leave that to your dad.  Or Gilmore Girl reruns.

As much as I tell you, I can’t say it enough: YOU are family.

No one will ever know you the way these people do.

No one will ever love you the way these people do.

Don’t be an asshole. I’ll find a way to haunt you for eternity if you do.

I LOVE YOU.

Mom

Then my other friend Schmutzie wrote this.

So I drew this:

Not really, but I thought about it.

The question was asked: what are the 5 best decisions of my adult life so far?

• To stay pregnant
• Bungee-jumping
• Deciding to write it all
• Bread bowls
• Not giving up

To stay pregnant – I was in the position of having to choose to be a mother when I wasn’t prepared or married.  I made the choice to stay pregnant and it started me down this path to a life I NEVER WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

Bungee-jumping – dancing every chance I got, parasailing, learning to surf = these are all other things I did before I had the strokes and don’t regrat NOT doing when I had the chance.  Because I did them.

Deciding to write it all – it took my daughter being diagnosed with cancer for me to decide to start writing it all down.  OK.  In all honesty, that was when I started letting other people read my words. I have never stopped.  Not because I think my words are so important, but I feel the need to get the words out.  They are a fountain you can never stop.

Bread bowls – the day I had the strokes that changed my life, I went out for soup instead of going home. That choice to be out with people who would call an ambulance and not at home alone probably made all the difference.  Yes.  Bread bowls saved my life.

Not giving up – I was laying in bed with my 7yo the other day when I got sick of her whining about how hard subtraction was.  “I can’t do it!”  I lost my temper. Walking hurts.  Learning to sit up was hard.  Letting someone help me do things I was used to doing for myself is embarrassing. I didn’t want to be in a wheelchair.  I didn’t WANT to do everything one-handed. I DON’T EVER WANT TO HEAR HER SAY SHE CAN’T DO ANYTHING. Because one of the best, hardest, constant, most challenging decisions I’ve made is to keep trying.

photo credit :link