It isn’t gone.

It mat never leave.

It PROBABLY won’t ever leave.

But the fog IS lifting.

The lifting of the fog comes with working together for a common goal.

it would have been a thousand time easier to have won each battle and just had my way.

It would have been so much easier. But not necessarily better.

Maybe couples would have to be kinder in the split and stop to think of other circumstances if they had been in situations like mine.

Being through years of years of cancer at Peyton’s side, through these years of strokes, coma, therapy, recovery, building, growing I have learned to never hesitate at TRUE HAPPINESS.

there is a difference between a GOOD TIME and TRUE HAPPINESS and you know them when you have them.

But I have also learned to basking in TRUE HAPPINESS does not mean ignoring the circumstances.

It really is as trite as that saying: EXPECT THE BEST BUT PLAN FOR THE WORSE.

Peter ans I don’t live in a theoretical world of single parenthood.

We live in it, VERY REAL, EVERY DAY.

We had to cool our jets, let go of our tempers and start working as the team we’ve always been.

Even though we can’t be a couple anymore, we still make one hell of a parenting team.

I write about my conditions, but I hope you don’t think they DEFINE me.

I have to remind myself that just because I’m thankful with life in general that it doesn’t means I have to be thankful for each individual element.

I’m allowed to think that something’s crap.

Mayne it’s less “inspirational” to say I’ll have a plate of crap-burger with a side of crap…and for dessert? CRAP!!!

But I never claimed to be anyone’s flavor of inspiring.

This is it.

I told her what to write “What IS Great About Being In The Hospital“.

I don’t remember the whole thing, but I do remember that one of the things on my list was “gravy”.

Bless their hearts.

There was gravy on everything.

That was the first thing thing I was pushed to “write”.

It was hard.

To put the words together.

To make sentences that msde sense.

To know why I KNEW it was funny, but I was supposed to make others think it was funny too.

Part of me wanted to just give up.

This was TOO hard.

Some parts have gotten easier with time.

In some respects the writing is just as hard as it was that day in the hospital.

I read what others can produce and I feel jealous.

It’s the words that feel trapped inside because I have such limitations.

How sad that it isn’t their ability to walk or use both hands that cause my heart to hurt the most.

photo credit

That’s not so much what happened.

Instead of a quick stab with a needle I got a full eye exam with a bunch of words I didn’t understand.

After all the testing and checking and making of “ooohs” and “mmmhhhhmmmm” noises, I finally got the verdict.

I WAS ACTUALLY LUCKY TO NOT BE BLIND YET.

I had to schedule a surgery, on the spot.

I had to schedule THREE.

They are all outpatient, on the same day and fairly easy for recovery.

But they’re still surgery.

I’m having:

• a surgery on my left eye to deal with the eyelashes that were sticking to my eyeball
• another surgery on my left eye to help fix the double vision issues
• then the doctor figured that the majority of the vision shaking wasn’t from eyelid-muscle spasms, but actual spasms of both eyeball-muscles…surgery #3 will be to try to find the point where the eyeballs jerk the least

Yes, I’m having usury to keep my balls from jerking.

Sweet.

In a way, I’m really thrilled that I might be able to get problems fixed.  Problems that I’d assumed were just a part of my life. (Granted, I’m a little irked that no one had suggested these problem solving surgeries before)

In another way, I feel scared that I’m having surgery on my eyes.  MY EYES. If surgery goes wrong, I’ll be blind for life.

If I opt not to have the surgeries I definitely WILL go blind.

I’m not ready to be blind.

On top of everything else, I’m just not!

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I wrote about being thankful over at Nicole’s site