I was asked to keep it more private.

And I thought about it.

I really did.

Did I want everyone knowing that I failed at my marriage?

That I’m choosing to end a union I had once vowed my forever?

The sheer magnitude of my vulnerability.

Not really. NO.

But did I want to share every moment of my daughter’s cancer?

My failures as parent through treatment.

Did I want to want to let you watch as I came back from the strokes?

Has it been easy to take picture and videos of my handicaps?

Did I go with the easy way out with the physical side of my recovery.

How were those things not personal?

Why was it ok to make THAT public, but I was supposed to hide this choice that, although hard, was somehow RIGHT.

I have worked really hard to not make this more one-sided than it has to be.

Partly because that’s not how I want this.

But, more importantly, the kids might read this and I want them to knew that these posts were never about GETTING MY WAY.

It’s just that writing has always been MY WAY OF DEALING.

I write about my conditions, but I hope you don’t think they DEFINE me.

I have to remind myself that just because I’m thankful with life in general that it doesn’t means I have to be thankful for each individual element.

I’m allowed to think that something’s crap.

Mayne it’s less “inspirational” to say I’ll have a plate of crap-burger with a side of crap…and for dessert? CRAP!!!

But I never claimed to be anyone’s flavor of inspiring.

This is it.

I run a site where we constantly preach the lesson of a positive body image.

I even make sure to post lots of pictures on Twitter and Facebook about “loving your body”.

I believe in that stuff.

I truly think it’s a fact that each person is capable of incredible beauty based on their confidence, intelligence and self.

I look around me and can see this tremendous beauty where people don’t see it in themselves.

Now there are those that are really pretty. Those that have glamorous looks. Those that take aesthetic perfection to a new level.

I hate to tell you, that’s easy.

As a past photographer and handy Photoshop user, I could make you look like Scarlet Johannsen.

I could take away pounds.

I could take away wrinkles.

BUT.

I couldn’t make you funny.

I couldn’t make you a person others valued.

I couldn’t make you a stronger, more resilient person.

How are the traits most important in others so hard to find most important in myself?

Why do I let myself constantly feel diminished by the face that isn’t right? The side that doesn’t work?

To be very ego-centric I’m doing what was NEVER expected and better than EVER anticipated.

I’m proud of that.

I AM.

But it doesn’t stop me from having those days I just want to be pretty.

*************************

You can read my top 10 reasons for getting my tubes tied!!!

Not because I had critically important thing to say, but because my therapists would recommend working my brain.

Write, they said.

Think, they said.

Post, they said.

But, do it well. Notice they didn’t say THAT!

After I got back in the habit of posting and relatively comfortable sharing the thoughts inside my broken brain, the doctors pushed me to keep working my brain.

“Words With Friends” – a Scrabble-esque Facebook game – became my next hurdle.

There were huge hurdles.

The phone.

The radio.

Being with people who stared.

Words With Friends.

The words started out very basic. I was an opponent’s dream, a sure win for them.

It was almost a physical pain to look at the letters and make a word form THEN transfer from the bottom of the screen to the the appropriate spots.

It was a blow to my pride to know I used to never lose a Scrabble game.

I could barely make the word D-O-G if you spotted me the D and the G.

But I kept playing.

I kept losing.

I started to get more comfortable with the letters.

The point margins got closer.

I don’t remember the game but I remember the feeling the first time I won.

Since then I’m more of a challenge with every game.

I play for fun along with brain strain.

I will keep playing.

Hopefully, WWF becomes less of a brain drain and mere relaxing pastime.

Someday I will win more than I lose.

Someday.

photo credit