In the course of rehab my husband has been trusted with certain types of duties.  I generally trust him in most things, unless he gets that crazy gleam in his eyes.

You might think I’m exaggerating, but you haven’t seen those shiny eyes bearing down on you like it might be your last day.

EVER.

E-V-E-R.

So, a few months ago we got a device that would help us work muscles that don’t work on their own.  It was called E-Stim…for Electrical Stimulation.  It would electrocute muscle groups to help them remember how to move.

The only word my husband heard was: electrocute.

My leg have moved funny.  Let’s electrocute them!

My fingers started stirring.  Let’s electrocute them!

My arm has is reaching new heights.  Let’s electrocute it!

Orphans have saved baby seals.  Let’s electrocute them!!!

You get the picture.

Today, we went to our acupuncturist and I didn’t feel good enough for a session.  My husband did and I encouraged him to keep his appointment.

Halfway through the session I asked my dearly beloved a favor.

“Can I stab you with a needle?”

“NO!”

“Please?”

“NO!”

“Why not?”

“Why would I let you stick more needles in me?”

“So, you’ll quit asking me if you can electrocute me all the time.”

“But I do it with your best intentions in mind.”

“Obviously I do too. Let me stab you once and you’ll see.”

This went on for a little while.

He never let me stab him.

Clearly, he doesn’t value my love.

Once upon a time, in the far away kingdom of Mar Raige, lived King Peter and Queen Anissa.

They ruled a happy land, full of bountiful crops and peaceful peasants doing peaceful peasant-y type things.

The King stayed busy, overseeing the safe passage of messengers from lands far and near and the profits of that work kept the kingdom running in good order.

The Queen spent much of her royal duty keeping the peaceful peasants…well, peaceful….and creating great tapestries on her blog loom.

It was a lovely kingdom that all the surrounding nations looked upon with great favor.

But.

Always, laid the threat of a great foe.

The monster that reared it’s ugly head each year and brought great unhappiness in the land of Mar Raige.  The King spent many long months battling the beast, a vicious creature so loathesome that each season of the monster’s rising, the Queen feared for the welfare of the kingdom.

The beast bore the name of NFLFootball.

Every year, the King raised his troops and led them into battle.  So great were his fellow warriors that they became known as the Fantasy Football League…their numbers great and their purpose single-minded.

To be the last one standing in this battle against NFLFootball.

They began each battle season with great strength and fervor…they donned the shields of smack-talk and took up the swords of ESPN…they sought out the blessing of the great magician Bradshaw…all in preparation to wage this war…this endless war.

And the Queen waited.

She waited at the walls of the castle…praying fervently that the King would return triumphant…that THIS would be the year that he would finally be able to put these long seasons of battle behind him.

Yet, year after year, even when the King would return from winning the battle….the war waged on again the next season as the beast grew yet another evil head from the ashes of it’s destruction.

Even after the legendary battle of Free Agency….although the King SWEARS that NFLFootball was never quite the same after that battle.

Still it lived.

It seemed the beast could not be killed.

The Queen would often rage behind the curtains of her rooms…weeping for the season to end and for her King to be returned to her.  Her lonely soul would slowly wither without his presence and she became angry at NFLFootball for stealing away her love.

So, the next year when the fighting season was drawing near, the Queen took up her own shield and had her own sword forged.  She was prepared to join the battle.  She would become one of the Fantasy Football League and she would stand at the side of her King as he faced down his greatest enemy…she would fight for her Mar Raige.

Her strength was not as great, her battle skills not as finely honed…but she waged war as bravely as she could…bringing her own fleet of warriors to the Fantasy Football League.

The King and Queen fought side-by-side for years…relying on each other for the strengths that can only be found in love, devotions and really kick-ass bye week trades.  They survived times when it seemed as if the battle raged not between them and NFLFootball….but between the royal Couple itself.

Sometimes leading to the King being ousted from the Royal Bedroom and forced to sleep on the Royal Couch.

Because even though the King wore the Mantle of Good Sportsmanship, he often forgot that his beloved Queen possessed the Cloak of Gloat-Any-More-And-You-Can-Move-Out!….handed down through generations of her family.

It holds tremendous power.

And now, the time approaches.

The battle is nearing.

It is the preseason…the time before the beast awakens fully from it’s slumber…angry and hungry.

The Queen and King prepare their swords and shield…they kneel to their respective benevolent saints…the Queen before the Mighty Colts and the King before the Litigious Steelers….never the actual Saints (because THAT would just be stupid)…and begin the rituals of Draft…hoping that THIS is the year they will finally defeat the seemingly never-ending enemy.

They hope to reach deep into the chest of the beast and bring forth the beating trophy heart, upon which they will etch their names.

And for another year they will live in peace….with prosperity and joy.

And bragging rights.

The End.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? *cue Hank Williams*