I write about my conditions, but I hope you don’t think they DEFINE me.

I have to remind myself that just because I’m thankful with life in general that it doesn’t means I have to be thankful for each individual element.

I’m allowed to think that something’s crap.

Mayne it’s less “inspirational” to say I’ll have a plate of crap-burger with a side of crap…and for dessert? CRAP!!!

But I never claimed to be anyone’s flavor of inspiring.

This is it.

I run a site where we constantly preach the lesson of a positive body image.

I even make sure to post lots of pictures on Twitter and Facebook about “loving your body”.

I believe in that stuff.

I truly think it’s a fact that each person is capable of incredible beauty based on their confidence, intelligence and self.

I look around me and can see this tremendous beauty where people don’t see it in themselves.

Now there are those that are really pretty. Those that have glamorous looks. Those that take aesthetic perfection to a new level.

I hate to tell you, that’s easy.

As a past photographer and handy Photoshop user, I could make you look like Scarlet Johannsen.

I could take away pounds.

I could take away wrinkles.

BUT.

I couldn’t make you funny.

I couldn’t make you a person others valued.

I couldn’t make you a stronger, more resilient person.

How are the traits most important in others so hard to find most important in myself?

Why do I let myself constantly feel diminished by the face that isn’t right? The side that doesn’t work?

To be very ego-centric I’m doing what was NEVER expected and better than EVER anticipated.

I’m proud of that.

I AM.

But it doesn’t stop me from having those days I just want to be pretty.

*************************

You can read my top 10 reasons for getting my tubes tied!!!

Are they an opportunity to rise to a challenge?

Are they set so that there is an inevitable failure?

Why do some find them empowering and some find themselves buried under a world of frustration?

Why is there such a difference between the expectations you have for yourself and that somebody has OF you…even though they come to the thing?

Can the expectations become their own limitations.

How many time do you not-quite meet expectations before you give up?

Is being realistic about expectations the same thing as buckling under the constant pressure.

Is there crippling weakness in admitting devastation or incredible strengh in finding the compulsion to start again.

Or both.

photo credit

Well…

So, let’s get down to what I like to call “Anissa’s Rules of Engagement”

• I can’t see you when I’m moving or far away – This might be partially fixed by the eye-surgeries I’m scheduled to have but chances ARE that if you are left thinking “GOD, what a bitch! I waved and she didn’t wave back.”I COULDN’T SEE YOU. Because of the eye weakness (that the surgery is supposed to help fix) I have, I have trouble focusing on anything that is moving. THEN! Because the muscles spasm in my right eye (another surgery), everything is always moving.
• I have trouble hearing when there is a lot of background noise – My hearing aide is supposed to help fix this when I get it. But the reason I avoid loud/noisy places is because I can’t hear at all. I spend a lot of time in hallways and outside of things because of the noise. Not because I don’t want to talk to you. If I AM in an area where you’re surprised to see me, I probably have earplugs in, AND CAN’T HEAR SH*T. If you want to have a conversation of any substance, you’ll wait till I can hear. Otherwise, I’ll nod and smile A LOT.
• You may not have expected it but I have a speech problem - I talk wonky, quieter and my throat gets dry very easily. Things come out of my mouth that probably shouldn’t.  But I don’t think I can blame that on the strokes.
• The wheelchair is like a really big scarf – feel free to compliment me on it, ask to borrow it, if you have any questions the kids named the new wheelchair Bertha.
• I won’t break – people hug me, sit in my lap. step on my feet, knocked my arm off the wheelchair…but get between me and the coffee and I will report you to security as someone who mugs the handicapped. NO LIE.

Seriously, that’s really it.

What you have read or tweeted is pretty much what you get.

<sarcasm>I know you’re thrilled by that.</sarcasm>