It’s been a year.

A year since I handed Peyton her last dose of chemotherapy medicine and she downed it like a champ.

A year since the clock started ticking….the one that counts off the days to five years.

She’s finally gotten to the age where she’s got more days off-chemo than on-chemo in her lifetime.  It was a bitter imbalance there for a while.

For four years and 364 days we say Peyton’s “off-treatment”.

Then with a flurry of fairy dust and magical unicorns, she wakes up on that five year mark and she’s “cured”.

THEN we can SAY she’s cured.  Of cancer.

But today when I got those numbers in my hand and saw how good they are, I couldn’t stop myself from dancing in my heart that for another two months she’s cured in my mind.

Year one down, baby girl.

Just four more to go.

Peyton had an oncology checkup on Tuesday.

I had the pukes.

They rescheduled it for Wednesday.

I still didn’t feel like I was safe to be around the immune-compromised kids, so I canceled that one too.

Now, we wait until next week to see her doctor and get her bloodwork.

And I’m sort of relieved. It’s been a year off treatment for Peyton and they’re going to change our schedule to only having checkup ever other month…waiting a full sixty days between visits.

This is a good thing…it’s the natural progression of a healthy off-treatment life.

We are being weaned.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to let go of the security blanket.  I like having those numbers in my hand every month…the numbers are concrete…they are our PROOF that she’s ok.

So, I’m relieved that we’re not going in until next week.  Because I’d rather wait an extra week between clinic visits than have them tell me to wait longer between clinic visits.

I know. Savor the irony.

Ya’ll better pray for my kids because their mother is obviously losing her mind.

And to take the focus off my insanity, HALLOWEEN CUTENESS!

The girls got their hair cut today.

Tomorrow’s picture day at school…sort of a big deal.

One that Peyton will miss.

Again.

I can’t even tell you how much that sucks.

Instead, we’ll be going for an eye exam with an ophthalmologist.

Peyton has eye problems? You might ask.

No. Peyton has headaches. She has what she describes as “tingling” in her head. She has suspicious crap going on in her noggin.

And that means I get to drink the crazy kool-aid.

Big, gulping swallows of it.

Our new doctor at Children’s Healthcare of ATL should be known as Dr. Crazy. Because that’s what he deals with all day.  More crazy walks in his door every day than Dr. Phil ever dreamed of.

Dr. Crazy listened to my recitation of Peyton’s issues….me thinking I was doing a pretty decent job of being not-insane about it…but Dr. Crazy’s specialty is Leukemia Relapse and Long-Term Survivorship.  What a great bi-polar job to have.

He can smell my brand of crazy from a mile away.

After checking Peyton from head-to-toe, going over all the random weirdness again, he said the best thing EVER.

” I believe everything is fine…” <—that’s not it

“…but I can see you’re worried…” <—nope, still not it

“…so we’re going to run some tests and if we can’t figure out what it is, at least we’ll know what it isn’t.” <—officially nominated best doctor in the world

He GETS it.

On a level that most people, even doctors, just don’t understand.

I don’t need you to tell me she’s fine.  I give myself pep talks all the time.

I need proof.

And Dr. Crazy can give me that.

So, over the next few weeks, we’ll be checking for different things.

Tomorrow we’ll go check her eyes….we’ll be able to see if there seems to be any abnormal pressure that would speak of any not-supposed-to-be-there-things going on.  Or maybe she just needs glasses.

She’ll be having a CT scan sometime in the next week.

And? A spinal tap during our next appointment.

It’s a search for things that hopefully won’t be there.

Pressure in the brain.

Anything resembling a tumor.

Return of the cancer.

Things I don’t want to think about, but have to rule out.

*sigh*

But her hair looks really cute, right?

September 2003…waiting

September 2004…laughing

September 2005…enjoying

September 2006…enduring

September 2007…persevering

September 2008…inspiring

September 2009…overcoming

September 2010…..

And what?

Will the Leukemia stay gone? Will it come back?

That’s LIFE with cancer.  You can NOT have the disease. I think it’s impossible to NOT have the fear.  The scars are forever.

The future is always hopeful, but never certain.

And for too many people, that is what they live with every day.

No child should have years of their life stolen while they’re undergoing chemotherapy, radiation and surgeries.

No parent should have to endure the pain of watching their child get sicker by the day.

No one should have to bury their child. EVER.

Yet every day new children are being diagnosed…some are winning the battle…even one lost is too many.

Please help me in raising awareness of Childhood Cancer this month.  I’ll be posting about different charities, organizations, kids…and you can do your part…you can read, you can donate, you can share your stories, you can encourage others to open their hearts and just listen.

Support our Childhood Cancer Awareness campaign by putting a badge on your blog, a twibbon on your Twitter avatar, posting on Facebook or just NOT ignoring it the next time you hear about it.

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